Using the stages of grief, here’s my guesses for the rest of the Ashes:
Stage One: Denial -> England claim that they won the test match on vibes, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Stage Two: Anger -> England claim that they won the test match because they were the only ones not to commit such a heinous act as a stumping during the test.
Stage Three: Bargaining -> England claim that they won the test match, because even though it was a draw, and even though this means that Australia have retained the Ashes, and even though this also means they haven’t won an Ashes series since 2015, Ben Duckett did make a nice century and was a contender for Player of the Match.
Stage Four: Depression -> England admit that “we have a lot to work on”, after Day One of the test ending with Australia 0/250 (Warner 120, Khawaja 103). After England won the toss. And elected to bat.
Stage Five: Acceptance -> England actually win the test, after dropping Crawley, giving Foakes the gloves, and playing relatively sensibly. Stokes thanks the Australian team for coming to play in a good spirited contest, and has a good-natured beer with them afterwards, while McCullum seethes in the corner.