Mark Ramprakash – England’s Batting Doyen
It’s an often-held belief that Mark Ramprakash’s stint as a test cricketer for England wasn’t all that it could have been. People argue that he’s never made the most of talent he never had in the first place; should never have been allowed to stay in the team for an extended period of time; etc etc. Having been appointed the task of proving that ‘Rampers’ was THE great English batsman of all time I am now prepared to present you with some startling findings:
After an intensive study of his career statistics I’ve found that, due to a glitch in the system, Ramprakash’s averages for batting and bowling were in fact swapped in some sort of conspiratorial smokescreen. Today I’m proud to announce that his bowling average was in fact 27.32, thus leaving his batting average at an amazing 119.25!!! Not only was Mark Ramprakash the best English batsman of all time….HE’S THE BEST BATMAN OF ALL TIME ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!
Given the above findings, one can assume that he’s not only the best batsman ever to play the game, he’s also the best all-rounder! This addresses another question put to us re: ‘Who’s the best all-rounder, Craig White or Chris Cairns’ – extensive research has revealed it’s Mark Ramprakash!
Mark ‘The Rash’ Ramprakash was a batsman who scored a lot of runs against the best teams in the world, with his stunning 154 against the West Indies in 97/98 pointing to this ability to ‘perform under pressure’. He earned his nickname ‘The Rash’ during this series because he was all over the West Indies….
‘The Rash’ was not only a great batsman though; a lot of people get caught up in his achievements on the field and forget what a great conservationist and animal rights activist he was. Mark was known in some circles as cricket’s Noah…he once gave shelter to a a struggling bird that had strayed onto the pitch at Lords – hiding it on the face of his bat, where it would be safe from flying leather. Like Noah, ‘The Rash’ also collected two of each animal in a symbolic arc – in the main, two golden ducks, two diamond ducks, two silver ducks and so on. With the ‘arc’ being the flourish of his bat before dismissal, which like Noah’s Arc, was also made out of wood.
His efforts at sustaining willow growth in both England and India were also overlooked by many, by only using one (practically unmarked) bat throughout his career he did his part in ensuring that these precious commodities were largely left untouched on his behalf.
So it is with great pleasure I present to you the batsman that is Mark ‘The Rash’ Ramprakash! I urge everyone to stand and applaud as one at talent the likes of which we may never see again!
I joined the statistics division early on in the piece as I heard you could gain swift promotions, and it seems to be ringing true! I could only be casual on non-weekends due to sleep and work duties, but I'll try to do as much as I can...now, was it one or two sugars in your coffee?
