luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Another little 'something' has been added to the end of the Bollywood thread - see Cricket Web front page.
This one's especially for Rik
This one's especially for Rik
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Devil Ducky's Diary
- Thread starter luckyeddie
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luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
'Bollywood' has now been archived.
Anyone wishing to read the old articles go to the front page,
News (drop-down), select 'archive' then scroll down until you get to DD. There's about 3 months worth. Go on - you know you want to.
New column - 1 article so far - a thrilling new television show just like all the other thrilling, old television shows. More stuff will be added when I get back from slitting my wrists following watching day 1 of the second test.
Anyone wishing to read the old articles go to the front page,
News (drop-down), select 'archive' then scroll down until you get to DD. There's about 3 months worth. Go on - you know you want to.
New column - 1 article so far - a thrilling new television show just like all the other thrilling, old television shows. More stuff will be added when I get back from slitting my wrists following watching day 1 of the second test.
Rik
Cricketer Of The Year
Not too long now before we get mini "Radar" action figures in the toy shops, complete with odd scratchy beard (no it's not removeable) and a free "WIDE" sign when you go to view him play, for those magical moments which seem to come round all too often. This sign also has an alternate message on the other side..."4"
You will also be able to trade in this sign in the future. The new sign will take on the form of "GOT HIM!!!" and...
"WIDE"
You will also be able to trade in this sign in the future. The new sign will take on the form of "GOT HIM!!!" and...
"WIDE"
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
No problem at all, Eyes. Incidentally, Simon features heavily in today's column.
(runs for cover)
Saturday, 24 May, 2003
Dear Diary :
Spare a thought today for the man in the middle. Cricket in the modern era is subject to all sorts of scrutiny, ranging from slow-motion action replays, stump cameras and the like right the way through to 'Hawkeye' - a range of tracking sensors strewn around the ground whose main purpose seems to lie somewhere between giving commentators something to talk about and making umpires look stupid.
One who should know is Simon Taufel, of course. I bumped into him quite by accident the other day in town. I heard this voice behind me. "Good afternoon. I brought a pair of shoes in for repair a few days ago. Could you tell me when they will be ready?" he asked.
"Excuse me," I interrupted. "You are a cricket umpire, aren't you?"
"Why, yes I am," he replied. "How did you know?"
"Because this is a newsagent's. The cobbler's shop is on the OTHER side of the optician's."
Taking advantage of my good fortune, I asked Simon for an exclusive interview for Cricket Web. When I caught up to him half an hour later, he finally consented, adding that he would only do it upon condition that I gave a prominent mention to our mutual friend, Megan Gaukroger, who was largely responsible for 'engineering' the chance encounter. Naturally, I refused.
We sat in the park and talked for hours - I just couldn't get away (God knows, I tried). I asked him about his formative years - whatever made him decide to become an umpire? "I did it for a bet!" he exclaimed. "No, really, I did. My best friend, David, bet me ten dollars that I couldn't pass the exams and become a decent umpire."
"Fascinating," I said. "And what does David think now?"
"I saw him the other week and reminded him of our wager - he still hasn't paid me" said Simon.
"Well, he did stipulate that you become a DECENT umpire." I joked. Picking up my teeth, I instantly regretted my faux pas.
At this point, I sensed that things weren't exactly going well, so I hurriedly changed the subject. "People talk about the 'dreaded finger' - some umpires seem to take an inordinate amount of time in their deliberations. What are your feelings regarding the agonies that batsmen are subjected to?"
"Oh, I'm all in favour of it. Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean that I'm in favour of making batsmen squirm - it's just that an umpire has to weigh up all the pros and cons before he arrives at his decision." he replied.
"In what way?" I asked.
"You have to take into account all sorts of things. For instance, with an appeal for leg-before, did it pitch outside leg? Was the batsman genuinely playing a shot? What about the height? Would it have hit the stumps? Did I put enough money in the parking meter?"
I asked about fitness. "Umpires today have to be really fit. Cricket is a very physical game, but so is umpiring. I regularly work out to the extent that I can do push-ups using just my index finger, so a batsman's hardly likely to be able to keep it down by will-power alone."
"How old were you when you became an umpire?" I asked.
"I was 22 when I made my First Class debut, later I had a few outings as a TV umpire in internationals and finally stood in my first Test Match in 2000." Taufel replied.
"Yes, I remember." I said. "A Boxing Day start at Melbourne. Was everyone else on holiday?"
"Just keep your mouth shut and I'll only have to THINK you're stupid - or in your case - beak." he snorted.
"That doesn't make sense. Keep my mouth shut and you'll only think I'm BEAK?" I asked politely.
When I regained consciousness, I returned to the subject of exercise. "It's very important for an umpire to warm up correctly. Before I leave the dressing-room, I do all sorts of stretching exercises. Signalling wides, one-short, the lot. A good fifteen minutes - and it's essential that you do, even for the younger umpires. Remember the unfortunate 'accident' which Billy Bowden suffered recently? First ball of the day, a no-ball. Struck the batsman on the pad, went for four. Poor Billy tried to pull all three signals at once - had to spend five days in traction."
I had heard that Simon, in common with most sportsmen, was a little superstitious, so I gently raised the matter. "Well, I have the odd little foible, but nothing too elaborate. A typical day starts with me having a shower, drying myself on my lucky towel, putting on my lucky clothes, eating a breakfast of bacon, eggs and two slices of lucky wholemeal toast, filling my lucky water bottle, driving to the ground without touching a road containing the letter 'M', talking to the captains - mind you, I'm always careful to be wearing my lucky baseball cap if one of them is Saurav Ganguly and it's a Friday because he's left-handed - and, of course keeping an eye out for Mark Nicholas."
"Is he unlucky?" I asked.
"No, I owe him fifty bucks."
On other umpires - "Dickie Bird is a legend. Do you know that he can spot a single cumulus cloud from fifty miles? He's been retired ten years now but he still carries a light-meter - 'just in case'. David Shepherd's the one, though. I have never met anyone so dedicated to his sport. Do you know that he had his house moved a quarter of a mile just so that the number 111 bus would stop outside his front door?"
Just before the park-keeper came to throw us out, I asked Simon Taufel what he thought he would be if he wasn't a test match umpire. "Well, I love umpiring, the responsibility of making important decisions, decisions that affect people's lives. You know, actually 'making a difference' - being someone who is fair, considerate but above all ruthless, so I suppose it would have to be a traffic warden."
Simon James Arthur Taufel, a true gentleman of sport.
(runs for cover)
Saturday, 24 May, 2003
Dear Diary :
Spare a thought today for the man in the middle. Cricket in the modern era is subject to all sorts of scrutiny, ranging from slow-motion action replays, stump cameras and the like right the way through to 'Hawkeye' - a range of tracking sensors strewn around the ground whose main purpose seems to lie somewhere between giving commentators something to talk about and making umpires look stupid.
One who should know is Simon Taufel, of course. I bumped into him quite by accident the other day in town. I heard this voice behind me. "Good afternoon. I brought a pair of shoes in for repair a few days ago. Could you tell me when they will be ready?" he asked.
"Excuse me," I interrupted. "You are a cricket umpire, aren't you?"
"Why, yes I am," he replied. "How did you know?"
"Because this is a newsagent's. The cobbler's shop is on the OTHER side of the optician's."
Taking advantage of my good fortune, I asked Simon for an exclusive interview for Cricket Web. When I caught up to him half an hour later, he finally consented, adding that he would only do it upon condition that I gave a prominent mention to our mutual friend, Megan Gaukroger, who was largely responsible for 'engineering' the chance encounter. Naturally, I refused.
We sat in the park and talked for hours - I just couldn't get away (God knows, I tried). I asked him about his formative years - whatever made him decide to become an umpire? "I did it for a bet!" he exclaimed. "No, really, I did. My best friend, David, bet me ten dollars that I couldn't pass the exams and become a decent umpire."
"Fascinating," I said. "And what does David think now?"
"I saw him the other week and reminded him of our wager - he still hasn't paid me" said Simon.
"Well, he did stipulate that you become a DECENT umpire." I joked. Picking up my teeth, I instantly regretted my faux pas.
At this point, I sensed that things weren't exactly going well, so I hurriedly changed the subject. "People talk about the 'dreaded finger' - some umpires seem to take an inordinate amount of time in their deliberations. What are your feelings regarding the agonies that batsmen are subjected to?"
"Oh, I'm all in favour of it. Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean that I'm in favour of making batsmen squirm - it's just that an umpire has to weigh up all the pros and cons before he arrives at his decision." he replied.
"In what way?" I asked.
"You have to take into account all sorts of things. For instance, with an appeal for leg-before, did it pitch outside leg? Was the batsman genuinely playing a shot? What about the height? Would it have hit the stumps? Did I put enough money in the parking meter?"
I asked about fitness. "Umpires today have to be really fit. Cricket is a very physical game, but so is umpiring. I regularly work out to the extent that I can do push-ups using just my index finger, so a batsman's hardly likely to be able to keep it down by will-power alone."
"How old were you when you became an umpire?" I asked.
"I was 22 when I made my First Class debut, later I had a few outings as a TV umpire in internationals and finally stood in my first Test Match in 2000." Taufel replied.
"Yes, I remember." I said. "A Boxing Day start at Melbourne. Was everyone else on holiday?"
"Just keep your mouth shut and I'll only have to THINK you're stupid - or in your case - beak." he snorted.
"That doesn't make sense. Keep my mouth shut and you'll only think I'm BEAK?" I asked politely.
When I regained consciousness, I returned to the subject of exercise. "It's very important for an umpire to warm up correctly. Before I leave the dressing-room, I do all sorts of stretching exercises. Signalling wides, one-short, the lot. A good fifteen minutes - and it's essential that you do, even for the younger umpires. Remember the unfortunate 'accident' which Billy Bowden suffered recently? First ball of the day, a no-ball. Struck the batsman on the pad, went for four. Poor Billy tried to pull all three signals at once - had to spend five days in traction."
I had heard that Simon, in common with most sportsmen, was a little superstitious, so I gently raised the matter. "Well, I have the odd little foible, but nothing too elaborate. A typical day starts with me having a shower, drying myself on my lucky towel, putting on my lucky clothes, eating a breakfast of bacon, eggs and two slices of lucky wholemeal toast, filling my lucky water bottle, driving to the ground without touching a road containing the letter 'M', talking to the captains - mind you, I'm always careful to be wearing my lucky baseball cap if one of them is Saurav Ganguly and it's a Friday because he's left-handed - and, of course keeping an eye out for Mark Nicholas."
"Is he unlucky?" I asked.
"No, I owe him fifty bucks."
On other umpires - "Dickie Bird is a legend. Do you know that he can spot a single cumulus cloud from fifty miles? He's been retired ten years now but he still carries a light-meter - 'just in case'. David Shepherd's the one, though. I have never met anyone so dedicated to his sport. Do you know that he had his house moved a quarter of a mile just so that the number 111 bus would stop outside his front door?"
Just before the park-keeper came to throw us out, I asked Simon Taufel what he thought he would be if he wasn't a test match umpire. "Well, I love umpiring, the responsibility of making important decisions, decisions that affect people's lives. You know, actually 'making a difference' - being someone who is fair, considerate but above all ruthless, so I suppose it would have to be a traffic warden."
Simon James Arthur Taufel, a true gentleman of sport.
Last edited:
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
She deserves it - and you are most welcome.Eyes_Only said:
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
The number of internet pages returned for the phrase 'Anna Kournikova' is approximately 350,000.Eyes_Only said:
The number of internet pages returned for the phrase 'Simon Taufel' is approximately 1,750.
99.5% of the searches for the phrase 'Anna Kournikova' are performed by pre-pubescent schoolboys and ducks - this figure comes to 348,250.
Subtracting 348,250 from 350,000, we get 1,750.
Coincidence? I think not!
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Tell me about it. I've been looking for a job for the best part of 6 months now (no-one wants a 50 year old with an IQ through the roof - personally, I think it's the duck's fault)Eyes_Only said:LOL!
You seriously have far too much time on your hands if you worked all that out!!
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
He works for breadcrumbs in the same way that an elephant works for peanuts.Eyes_Only said:
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Just a wee snippet so far today - more will be added in the next few hours - see CricketWeb front page.
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
We're there, guys.
I can finally reveal the logic behind the England team selection.
See front page.
I can finally reveal the logic behind the England team selection.
See front page.
Mr Mxyzptlk
Request Your Custom Title Now!
So that's how they do it...
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Couple of people have told me that it's the most plausible explanation anyone's come up with yet.Mr Mxyzptlk said:
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
More nonsense posted - see front page.
Will add another chunk tomorrow.
Will add another chunk tomorrow.
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
New 'Clarkewatch' issued.
Beware - you are advised to don protective clothing before reading DD's weekly column this week - you have been warned.
See front page.
Beware - you are advised to don protective clothing before reading DD's weekly column this week - you have been warned.
See front page.
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