luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Reproduced from Devid Ducky's Diary, some time a long while ago.... the argument still standsLangeveldt said:Thats quite funnyWhat are they going to send for Irani to bat at three if he gets injured???
And tooextracool, Anderson has already proved himself... He just needs to rediscover that form...
Sunday, May 18, 2003
Dear Diary :
Well, the ECB selectors have finally done it - they have united the country in one fell swoop. When the test squad to face Zimbabwe at Lords was announced at 10.30 yesterday morning, cricket-lovers from Carlisle to Penzance scanned the list of names for their favourites.
The expected names were there - you could almost picture the lips moving in unison.... Nasser? Check! Jimmy Anderson? Check! Harmison? Check! Butcher? Check!. McGrath? Hurriedly click on Ananova 'News', unsuccessfully scan for report that Aussie opening sledger extraordinaire has started drinking Stones instead of Fosters (OK, it's not THAT easy to qualify for British nationality - just ask Graeme Hick. He had to drink the stuff for five years before they let him in - but you get the idea). Back to Cricinfo, 'England', 'Players', 'M', 'McGrath' - Ohhhhhhhhh, him! Back to the squad, look further.
Suddenly, a collective sigh of relief escapes the lips of the nation. No Rampers. Back to McGrath, click on averages, back to Yorkshire's game against Northants. Hmmmmm. No clues there, so let's invent a time machine (for want of a better thing to do).
Slowly, the dials turn, then faster, faster. Day turns to night, back to day again. The seasons change, all becomes a blur as we race headlong, spinning almost out of control. Suddenly, everything becomes clear again. We look around - there are two gentlemen in the room. It is breakfast time.
Picture the scene, in another time, at 221B Baker Street over a fine spread of kippers, kedgeree, devilled kidneys and cocaine.
<Watson> "Something troubling you, Holmes?"
<Holmes> "Not at all, Watson. Just perusing the sporting column in the Gazette."
<Watson> "Has the squad been announced, old man?"
<Holmes> "Yes. A few surprises, to boot. I see they've selected McGrath."
<Watson> (horrified) "The foul-mouthed convict? The last I heard of him, he was on his way to Botany Bay in chains."
<Holmes> "No, not Glenn, my dear stout fellow. A flat-capped, unwashed Johnny from the sticks called Anthony."
<Watson> "By Jove, Holmes! Whatever could possess those upstanding gentlemen from Thomas Lord's neck of the woods to pick him - a - a - (gulp) Yorkshireman?"
<Holmes> "McGrath's tedious scoring rate of late makes that of the venerable captain, Lord Nasser of Hussain, look good. Besides, it's all part of the big plan."
<Watson> "I appreciate that the ponderous rate at which the northern oaf in question accumulates his notches hardly troubles the scorer's penknife, and even pales into insignificance in comparison to that of our esteemed leader, but what is this big plan you refer to, Holmes?"
<Holmes> (takes long, satisfying draw on Meerschaum pipe) "The plan, Watson, that paves the way for the return of that fine gentleman of breeding Mark Ramprakash for the second test match - as replacement for said McGrath, of course."
<Watson> "I don't understand, old bean."
<Holmes> (dons Deerstalker hat, prepares to depart for a second breakfast at the Diogenes Club) "After this announcement, nothing emanating from the ECB will ever seem a surprise again, hence the Earl of Rampers will be able to return to the fold almost unnoticed, and what is more, without all the frightful embarrassment of riots in the streets, the burning of effigies, questions in the House and all the usual cheap tactics the hoi-polloi resort to when they disagree with authority. England will therefore become great again - a land fit for gentlemen to grow old in."
<Watson> "Capital idea, Holmes!"
<Holmes> "Elementary, my dear Watson. Oh, and Watson..."
<Watson> "Holmes?"
<Holmes> "Whose glowing duck is that in the corner of the room?"
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