Devil Ducky's Diary

[luckyeddie]

(DD) Our special guest today on Cricket Web is a man who played nine test matches for England, and who has brought that vast experience into the world of the media - none other than Accrington's favourite son, David Lloyd. He's taken a few moments out of the commentary box here at Chester-le-Street to talk to his vast army of fan.

(Bumble) Thanks, Ducky.I must say it's very nice to be here. As you so rightly say, I have a lot of fans who

(DD) (interrupts) Fan, David, singular. It's not a typo.

(Bumble) Yes, I've heard about your, er, bizarre sense of humour. Anyway, I received an email this morning - isn't modern technology wonderful? - from Mrs Gladys Sputum from Eccles - that's a smashing sounding place isn't it? Eccles, Lancashire. I love Eccles cakes, me. In fact, a couple of days ago I went down to Sainsbury's and, do you know, they 'ad Eccles cakes on special offer. My budgerigar, Moley, he loves Eccles cakes. I break them into little crumbs - he likes the currants, you know.

(DD) Can we talk about your test double hundred?

(Bumble) I saw Moley take a fabulous catch once - one handed, diving, Andy Moles of Warwickshire, good player, top bloke, not my budgie...

(DD) (interrupts) Edgbaston, 1974?

(Bumble) Oh yes. Day 1 was the best day. We didn't play at all - it rained the whole time. I went up to the Radio 4 studio to talk to John Arlott, Jonners, all that crowd, top blokes. I think that's the moment when I knew just what I was going to do when I finished playing. They 'ad Chorley cakes, I remember. Chorley - that's a smashing sounding place, isn't it? Chorley, Lancashire. I love Chorley cakes, me. In fact, a couple...

(DD) (interrupts) Against India?

(Bumble) Oh yes. Day 2. We bowled 'em out for a 'undred and summat. Hendrick - him from Derbyshire gorra few, I remember. Bowled 'em out round about tea. Can't remember what cakes we had, but we 'ad pork pie - one of them with a big, pastry rose on the top. Lovely. Anyway, Abid Ali and Solkar opened t' bowling for India. They were rubbish, weren't they? Food 'n' drink. Top blokes, though. Anyway, Bedi bowled 'undreds of overs. He come lollipopping in, soft as grease. Good bowler, though. Top bloke.

(DD) So you didn't rate Abid Ali, then?

(Bumble) What? He's not here, is he? 'Ave you gone and set me up? It's not 'This is Your Life', is it? I'll kill Botham when I see 'im. Did you see Accrington Stanley's on the way back? Played for them, I did.

(DD) 214? Against India?

(Bumble) Did you? That's a terrific innings, that is. I seem to recall getting a good score against them too. Edgbaston, 1974. I 'ad Chorley cakes.

(DD) About your nickname

(Bumble) What, 'Bumble'?

(DD) No, 'Big Nose'

(Bumble) Classic profile, this. Look at all the Roman coins - sign of a true leader.

(DD) David, this is your...

(Bumble) (interrupts) See, I told you. Where's that bloke with the red book? I'll murder Botham, I will. Hey, I saw some youngsters playin' cricket on the car park a bit ago. Crackin' young batsman, there was. That's what we want, youngsters in the side. If they're good enough, they're old enough. Gerrem in t' side.

(DD) This is your first time at a test match in Chester-le-Street. How did you find it?

(Bumble) Well, I just popped over on the M62 and then up the M1.

(DD) I've just heard that Bob Willis is looking for you.

(Bumble) Is he? Top bloke, Willis. Have you seen his hair? Looks like a girl.

(DD) David Lloyd, thanks for spending a little of your valuable time with us. Next week, we hope to....

(Bumble) Is that it?

(DD) Thanks, David

(Bumble) They said there'd be cakes. Chorley cakes or Eccles cakes...

(DD) You ate them all. Next week, Ian Botham will be speaking about cakes - sorry, Nasser Hussain and his relationship with ...

(Bumble) I'll be off then.

(DD) his relationship with Rasputin and previewing his new advertisement for Shredded Wheat, so until then... David. Leave those wires alone. That's a camera, not a cake tin (click).

 

[Neil Pickup]

It's only a matter of time before you're a national cult hero.

 

[luckyeddie]

It's only a matter of time before you're a national cult hero.

Trying.... enjoy the ride. All we need is just ONE pro cricketer to read it (especially if it's about one of his mates - and seeing as I've attacked everyone, it's only a matter of time)

 

[Neil Pickup]

Nah, if people can get away with Dead Ringers, 2DTV and the like, you'll have no worries. And this is funnier.

 

[luckyeddie]

Nah, if people can get away with Dead Ringers, 2DTV and the like, you'll have no worries. And this is funnier.

Not worried - I WANT them to see it (must do a Botham and a Willis soon - probably a double-act where we can explore their innermost pomposity)

 

[Neil Pickup]

Aaaahhh... Complete mis-read on my part!

 

[R_Powell_fan]

Brilliant Ed.....

keep them coming...

Neil: Eyes said Simon Taufel did read one of Eddie's articles....

 

[Langeveldt]

Legendary stuff

 

[PY]

Just read your DD weekly and the Shane Warne part:

"My good friends at Hampshire County Cricket Club tell me that they are holding a special luncheon at the Rose Bowl on July 1st. Amongst the guests are Wasim Akram, Matthew le Tissier and, of course, Shane Warne. Stick to drinking bitter, Warnie. The Pils is a bit dodgy."

That is absolute CLASSIC

P.S. Have you thought about getting yourself a catchy title for your column that allows for a small amount of pun-tastic fun?

 

[luckyeddie]

Just read your DD weekly and the Shane Warne part:

"My good friends at Hampshire County Cricket Club tell me that they are holding a special luncheon at the Rose Bowl on July 1st. Amongst the guests are Wasim Akram, Matthew le Tissier and, of course, Shane Warne. Stick to drinking bitter, Warnie. The Pils is a bit dodgy."

That is absolute CLASSIC

P.S. Have you thought about getting yourself a catchy title for your column that allows for a small amount of pun-tastic fun?

Thanks for the kind thoughts.

Re a title, I'm open to suggestions.
Either post your thoughts here or send me an email.

First thoughts:

"Feed the duck"
"Golden duck"
"Vasbert's Drake"
"Duck! Too late!"

 

[luckyeddie]

Sneak snippet from next week's column....

The Bangladesh Cricket Board have responded to former coach Mohsin Kamal's accusation that they (the BCB) need to change their attitude if they "...are to avoid becoming an international laughing stock".
A BCB spokesman refuted the suggestions, putting on a pair of spectacles with a large nose attached and saying "Bangladesh were terribly unfortunate to lose the series against Dhaka girls under-14's" before adding "It's strange, isn't it? If you stand up in a library and shout 'AAAAAAGHHH! everyone stares at you, but if you do it in an aeroplane everyone joins in."

 

[marc71178]

On the subject of Willis, on Skysports.com he says we have to look out for the world class batting of Jacques Kallis, Lance Gibbs and Gary Kirsten.

 

[luckyeddie]

On the subject of Willis, on Skysports.com he says we have to look out for the world class batting of Jacques Kallis, Lance Gibbs and Gary Kirsten.

Heh! Simple mistake to make. He means Peter Kirsten.

He's also looking forward to next year when the Aussies can bring back Sean Wayne.

 

[luckyeddie]

New column published - see front page.

Anyone wishing to read the old ones can get at them using the archive facility (also from the front page).

We think of everything.

 

[Eyes_Only]

Well done...

Yet another classic to add to the archives!

 

[luckyeddie]

So Twenty20 is upon us at last - the latest version of cricket to be launched on the British public. Games are scheduled to start at 5.30 and end at 8.15 - a duration which is absolutely ideal for cricket in this country. Two and three-quarter hours is, after all, the length of the average English summer.

Chris Adams of Sussex has described it as 'No holds barred cricket' and as well as the hot seat' where the next batsman due in will be positioned (in order to avoid the statutory 90-second 'time-out'), players are 'wired up' with microphone links. It is this last point which intrigues me.

Adams clips a ball neatly off his hips towards fine leg. He scampers off for an easy single, only to hear a deafening 'Noooooo' when he's about three quarters of the way down the pitch. He stops in his tracks, turns and sees Murray Goodwin haring past him in the opposite direction. The ball is whipped back to the bowler who gleefully removes the bails.
Our Chris trudges off forlornly, only to be met by David Lloyd on the pavilion steps.

(Bumble) What happened, Chris? Yer looked like a right Charlie out there.

(Chris) Well, David, I thought there was an easy one, but something went wrong somewhere.

(Bumble) That Murray Goodwin, he's run a few out, hasn't he? Top bloke, though.

(Chris) I don't know what Murray was thinking about. Why would he send me back, yet carry on running himself?

(Bumble) 'Ow d'yer mean?

(Chris) I heard this loud shout of 'No'.

(Bumble) Oh, sorry. That was me.

(Chris) Pardon?

(Bumble) Willis pinched t' last Chorley cake. Yer can't gerrem down here, you know. Anyway, it's great, this Twenty20 lark, intit? Cricket, pop music, the lot. Eh, some of these youngsters in t' bands can move - 'specially t' lasses. Like Alan Mullally after a good curry. I'm lookin' forward to t' final already, me. What's the name of that band's playin' at Trent Bridge? Nuclear summat. Aye, that's right. Nuclear *****cat.

(Chris) Help!

 

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

Fresh from his personal triumph in the 2005 Ashes whitewash, England captain Steve Harmison has gone on record as saying that he owes all of his success of recent years to a conversation he had with Derbyshire captain Dominic Cork.

The most exercise Gilchrist has had recently is walking out to the middle, bagging his usual pair and walking back to the dressing room again."

Simply outstanding.

 

[luckyeddie]

Simply outstanding.

I hoped you'd like it.

I think I'm going to continue the 'time machine' trend with a few 'reports' in the forthcoming weeks.

 

[Neil Pickup]

I'm liking it

 

[luckyeddie]

Twenty20 newsflash.... (can't keep a straight face as I'm typing this)


Despite popular opinion, the radio-controlled duck which is rumoured to ****** batsmen back to the pavilion after they fail to contribute a score is NOT Devil Ducky, neither is it my cousin, Vasbert's Drake. It is an impostor which the ECB have used in order to cash in on the popularity of Cricket Web in general and this columnist in particular.

I understand that Somerset did not like the idea of using a duck, because the club think that it will become cliched and monotonous if their current form is anything to go by.

Consequently, they have run a competition amongst local schools to design a replacement. They winner is a motorised fish which will dispense huge ear-shaped sweets to the kids. Somerset plan to call it 'Candy Haddick'.