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Devil Ducky's Diary

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luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
kwek said:
LE can you and DD come back togheter and revive this thread!!
and dont give us to much fishes!
Yes indeed, my Dutch friend.

<quack> Is there any truth in the story of the little boy who stuck his finger in the dyke?

I beg your pardon, DD?

<quack> Dykes are to do with the sea defences

Really. How does that work?

<quack> They use Jo Brand as a dam
 

luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
Clarkewatch, 28 June 2005

Yes, it really IS time to wheel out this old chestnut again, seeing as Ajit Agarkar no longer wishes to be known as the world's greatest living all-round prospect, and I haven't done him for some time.

I'm sure that it has come as no surprise to avid readers of all matters Rikki that our boy has been having a rather splendid time of it of late. Consequently, it is only right that I should pick on one of his, er, lower-profile matches to bring his exploits firmly into focus.

Rikki (motto: Citius, Acneus, Fartius, meaning: "Faster, Spottier, I'd give it five minutes") had a storming match a month ago, picking up the 'Player of the Round' accolade in Surrey's triumph in the C&G against Gloucestershire, and followed that up with a stonkeriffic match-winning performance in this week's Twenty20 slaughter of Middlesex which included ... wait for it....

46 in 28 balls
A maiden
A wicket maiden no less (a rare bird indeed in Twenty20)
A triple wicket maiden (beat that)
(ok) A hat-trick

Unfortunately, no-one plugged in the Clarkequake detector because, frankly, we didn't think it was worth it, but it was estimated as being at least 5.3 on the Rikkiter scale, sufficient to detach the pointy, sugary bits from the biscuit in a bag of Midget Gems (If that's what those sweets are called nowadays), which Rikki is particularly fond of on account of the way they match his complexion.
 
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luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
Stop Press

Andrew Symonds to apply for Irish nationality.

It has come to our attention, here at CricketWeb, that Andy Symonds, 30-year-old Brummie git currently masquerading as an Australian (chuckle) one-day international all-rounder, is currently considering an offer to replace Ed Joyce in the Paddies line-up.

Apparently Dublin-born Joyce's sponsors, a well-known drinks manufacturer who shall remain nameless for now, are more than a little concerned that 'one of their own' could be tempted away from the Emerald Isle in order to throw his hat in the ring with the 'damned Inglis', and have cast their net a little wider than the normal public bar of the Cat and Cage, Drumcondra, Dublin 3.

Symonds, speaking from his seat in the, er, public bar of the Cat and Cage, Drumcondra, Dublin 3, declined to comment. He said "Too right, sport, it's extremely gratifying to be mentioned in the same breath as other wonderful Irish cricket players such as Eamonn de Valera, Daniel O'Connell and Val Doonican, but what really clinched it was the news that Guinness and sport are synonymous in this fair land, to be sure, to be sure, Bruce. Ooroight?

When pressed further, he again declined to comment, adding "What clinched it was an advert I saw on a billboard for the 'Guinness Hurling Championships' - and after four pints I can manage a carrot-assisted twelve yards'".
 

PY

International Coach
Class.

I was wondering if the Duck was going to make a come-back for the Ashes series this summer?
 

steds

Hall of Fame Member
luckyeddie said:
Yes indeed, my Dutch friend.

<quack> Is there any truth in the story of the little boy who stuck his finger in the dyke?

I beg your pardon, DD?

<quack> Dykes are to do with the sea defences

Really. How does that work?

<quack> They use Jo Brand as a dam
:lol:
 

Sudeep

International Captain
PY said:
Class.

I was wondering if the Duck was going to make a come-back for the Ashes series this summer?
An Ashes appearance on the CW main page by the duck himself would be awesome, truly and utterly awesome.
 

jot1

State Vice-Captain
luckyeddie said:
Yes indeed, my Dutch friend.

<quack> Is there any truth in the story of the little boy who stuck his finger in the dyke?

I beg your pardon, DD?

<quack> Dykes are to do with the sea defences

Really. How does that work?

<quack> They use Jo Brand as a dam
:lol: :lol: :lol: Love it!
 

luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
Clarkewatch Special Report, 9 July 2005

The entire Rikki Clarke Appreciation Society, comprising the whole of the CricketWeb Ginger (Penniless Students) Group and CricketWeb Corpulent made their way to sunny Brizzle for the first Annual Clarkewatch, Pasty and Beer festival.

The Derby faction had an abortive start with LE starting the engine prior to immediately climbing into the back of the car, claiming that "It is an automatic and it's got GPS so that doesn't leave me a lot to do", but a good slapping helped him to reconsider. Meanwhile, back in Exeter, Pickup was spending his last 27 pence on the recently-introduced First Class Young Student Sleepover With Breakfast ticket, sponsored by Michael Jackson.

Upon arrival at said Brizzle, Chairduck Devil Ducky made polite conversation with a local as to the whereabouts of the ground. "Oo aarr. Crickey, moi lovelies. Aarr, Glaarcester they be called, yet they be a-playin' at Brizzle. Who'd a thought?" said the duck in near-fluent Wurzel.

Stapling his beak back into place, DD led the way to Broadmead where, on this occasion, he left the talking to Yours Truly. "Oo aarr. Crickey, moi lovelies. Aarr, Glaarcester they be called, yet they be a-playin' at Brizzle. Who'd a thought?" said the beturbanned bus driver, indicating that we climb aboard.

A fifteen minute bus journey saw us engaged in conversation with a wonderfully helpful member of Gloucestershire CCC. "Oo aarr. Crickey, moi lovelies." he began, before we made our excuses and left, luckily in the right direction. So to the ground. Honest Pickup found another 27 pence whilst I followed the duck through a hole in the fence behind the tennis courts, vowing to spend the normal visitors admission price of a hundred pounds (non-students) on beer.

This being the second day of four and Rikki Clarke having been unable to oblige his fans by making more than a token gesture with the bat the previous day, we were confident that we would be in for a marvellous day's entertainment when it came for England's latest in the long line of 'New Liam Bothams' to turn his arm over, no doubt.

There was the small matter of Azhar Mahmood's century to see first (not out 88 overnight). The play got off to an impressively comical start when Martin Bicknell, seeing the easy single, proved that he is still the master of timing by waiting until Mahmood was three quarters of the way to the next county before freezing him in his tracks with a booming cry of "when's lunch"? Mahmood, run out, 89. This was quickly followed by Chris 'Clumsy' Taylor failing to notice that some wag had tied his shoelaces together. The resultant fall and dislocated shoulder allowed him a free hospital lunch, so I suppose that's something.

This brought Killer Harbhajan, Dentist of Praal, to the wicket and for the next two hours Gloucestershire's potent attack of Kirby, Averis and co. were despatched to all parts. Just as we were preparing to celebrate Killer's maiden (and likely to be only) career century, he started playing each ball on its merits instead of his earlier, panic-stricken wild swipes and he got out for a lifetime-best 84 (83 more than I predicted - close, but understandable under the circumstances).

Eventually, Surrey's glorious first innings came to an end on 603 (Clarke 17, Azhar Mahmood 89, Killer 84 and some other bits) - then it was time for the real event - Lunch

which consisted of a pasty and a pint for LE, a bag of Michael Jackson's special alcoholic jelly babies for Pickup and a bucket of worm-flavoured chips (Squirmy Fries) for the duck

Back to the cricket. Incidentally, checking the records to find the last time an innings in England had totalled in excess of 600 without a century of any description, not just without one from Rikki Clarke, came up with - never. Now if Clarke had scored just 83 more, he would never have taken part in such a feat. Who says he doesn't know what he's doing?

Back to the cricket again.

Someone got rid of Phil Weston and some other things quite rubbish happened before Pickup's helpful cries of "Give Rikki a bowl!" and "Ormond is a fat pig who cannot run and cannot bowl either - are you blind or just stupid, Thorpe?" had the desired effect.

This time, we wore disguises on entry back into the ground - The duck wore a ginger wig and Pickup sported a fine, grey ponytail.It would have been a perfect switcheroo if LE had been able to fly or even if he hadn't been sick after eating the worms, but I guess you can't have your cake and eat it.

Graeme Thorpe threw the ball to Rikki Clarke. This was it - something was about to happen. It did. Wide - four byes too. And again - we were surely in for an afternoon to remember. And then it happened. Spearman, done for sheer pace by the tall spotty one with better hair and now a better line than Jason Gillespie (although even the wides had him ahead on that count) edged to Ally Brown who clung on.

Matt Windows was simply blown away by the sheer pace and hostility of Clarke who was warming to his task, to the delight of his entire fan club. Adshead was unable to get on top of another rip-snorter and Martin Bicknell, rivalled only by James Ormond (laughably described by Cricinfo as 'test player') in the 'pedestrian fielder' stakes, was able to arthritically cling on to the stinging catch.

Clarke's work done and the Gloucestershire upper order in tatters, he took a well-earned rest. LE's suggestion that aliens had kidnapped Rikki Clarke and had substituted one of their own number in his place, someone who could actually play cricket, fell on deaf ears. A pity that he only muttered it under his breath really - it might have got a laugh if there were in fact any other supporters within earshot.

When we were finally ******ed from the ground again, Gloucestershire had been reduced to the rabble they are and our hero was carried shoulder-high from the arena by his adoring public - at least, he would have been if there is any justice in the world. In years to come, old men will converse in hushed tones over cloudy glasses of even cloudier zoider. "Oo aarr. Rikki, moi lovelies. Aarr, Zurrey they be called, yet they be a-thrashin Glaarcester at Brizzle. Who'd a thought? Aarr. Rikki, is name. Tha's roight. At Brizzle. Who'd a thought?"
 
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PY

International Coach
Class. :laugh:

Laughed quite a bit when Neil informed me by text of Rikki's first over.
 

Gloucefan

U19 Vice-Captain
Pity I missed it but I wouldn't be a proper student if I had got up on time. Looked at the score at about 1:45 and thought just thought nahhh...
 

luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
Gloucefan said:
Pity I missed it but I wouldn't be a proper student if I had got up on time. Looked at the score at about 1:45 and thought just thought nahhh...
Your man on the gate didn't even know that there were concessions for students carrying special Michael Jackson 'Just Blackmailing' cards. He said "Oh no there isn't. I've been here eight years and no scroungin' student has got past me without paying the full price. That's because they're all too lazy to get up before 6.45 pm" before adding ""Oo aarr. Crickey, moi lovelies. Aarr, Glaarcester they be called, yet they be a-playin' at Brizzle. Who'd a thought?"
 

luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
I am so sorry for you people who live in Foreign, uncivilised places (not unlike Yorkshire) who don't get wall-to-wall, live cricket coverage on free-to-air channels.

Now over here in England, when the cricket's on the telly, the Channel 4 directors get feedback through the set-top boxes - consequently, those fans who are seen to be watching the game continually qualify for prizes. Why, only the other day there was a knock at the door and Mark Nicholas's Chauffeur was standing there holding the door of his Rolls Royce Silver Ghost. Well, I was flabbergasted. Where was the rest of the car?

But I digress. Out of the door stepped Mark Nicholas's Butler - not his second or third one but his proper Sunday Best Butler, the one he uses on special occasions. He carried a silver tray and on it were china cups and saucers (proper bone china - not enamel mugs like poor people like you have to drink out of) - so thin you could see through it - and a matching Royal Crown Derby teapot. Ahead of him walked the great man himself - Geoff Boycott.

Well, the Memsahib and I had a wonderful tiffin. The tea was the most piquant Earl Grey (the Oil of Bergomot was most pungent) and the cakes - oh, don't get me on to the cakes. Battenburg, the daintiest little Angel Cakes - even Bumble's favourite, the humble Chorley Cake (a surprise really because David Lloyd works for Sky. We avoided those in case they had been spat on).

Well, Geoffrey regaled me with splendid tales of cricket matches from days of yore - he's a natural, that man - made himself so much at home that when my dear wife interjected with a polite question of her own (she tries, the dear) Geoffrey smiled patiently then hit her in the face with a cakestand. We laughed for hours when she came out of surgery.

And do you know the most amazing part?

Exactly the same thing happened the next day.
 

luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
Letter in The Times

<quack> LE's only gone and done it again - had a letter about cricket published in that esteemed organ The Times again - regular as clockwork, every 5 years or so he manages it. Only writes three a day too.......

Quick - they're on sale now...
 

luckyeddie

Cricket Web Staff Member
marc71178 said:
:notworthy :notworthy :notworthy

A very good letter - are you allowed to advertise CW in your letters? ;)
When they rang me back (they always do to ask whether you've submitted it elsewhere) I tried to get them to put a plug in (along the lines of "Fatso is a hack for Cricket Web") but they wouldn't. Gits.
 
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