Score: Australia 3-0
Runs: Ponting, Extras
Wickets: Clarke, runouts
Misc: Every Australian bowler to get injured by lunch day 1 at Melbourne. Clarke to bring himself on as main strike bowler and break SF Barnes' record for wickets in a series.
Australia will pick Mitchell Johnson in a horses for courses pick when the series rolls round to Perth. Johnson, despite having his foot in plaster, by this point will be Australia's 2nd fittest quick (Siddle being the fittest due to a rigorous training regime where he runs all day a la Forrest Gump). Despite such an obvious handicap, which means Johnson can barely walk nevermind run, he'll still be clocked at a faster speed than any of India's "quicks".
India will flounce and threaten to go home after the 2nd Test unless UDRS is fully implemented for the remainder of the series. Tony Grieg, meanwhile, will dissapear from the airwaves after an accumulation of infraction points for trolling.
Zaheer Khan will be fit enough to take the field in every Test. He will only bowl in 3, as Dhoni will forget that he's actually fit and work on the assumption that Zaheer must be injured because that's what always happens.
After a series in which the big 3 (Tendulkar, Dravid and Ponting) have a poor time of it, Ponting will embark on a delusional press conference where he'll reference how well he's hitting them in the nets at least 6 times, and will reveal that what's driving him is being Test cricket's leading run scorer. The 4th Test will descend into farce after a returning Watson runs out Warner and then himself, bringing Ponting to the crease. Australia bat for all 5 days, with Ponting scoring 2,600* before Clarke announces Ponting's retirement at the close of play.