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[Dan]

Delays to CricketWeb Cricket Threaten Breakaway League

CricketWeb Cricket's future is under threat after a sequence of delays have pushed back the first round of First Class fixtures indefinitely. These delays, none of which have been explained, has driven fans back towards the folds of official cricket.

Members of the Futures XI, a conglomerate of multinational rising stars not offered a chance to prove themselves in their original countries, appear to be the biggest losers from the delay; spending days at a time inactive, according to batsman Will Bosisto, "is a waste. We could be playing Grade, 2nd XI competitions or be at state training. Instead we're sitting here waiting to get on the park".

Meanwhile, Fizzing at the Bung CC is glad to use the extra preparation time, training hard to overcome the weaknesses that saw them slump to a massive defeat in their first List A fixture. Vice Captain DB Wayne made a statement on behalf of Captain JD Hurricane, "We're fizzing at the bung to get back out on the park, and we feel the delay has helped us prepare to bounce back from our previous hit out. The competition is still in a feeling out stage, and we're still trying to settle on an XI. We're quietly confident that we'll develop as a team throughout the season; we believe we are the most cohesive unit in the competition."

"Heath Davis has been worringly quick in training, and CP Raftery has been a great find. He will probably take the gloves, given we're going in with only 4 frontline bowlers. It will be strange to roll the arm over again, but you know what they say, change is as good as a holiday. And in this case, we've got both."

Competition Manager Dylan Jellet was unavailable for comment.

 

[Noble One]

Awesome effort.

 

[uvelocity]

 

[DJellett]

Refuted.

 

[Daemon]

Atul Sharma Named the Fastest Bowler in the World

A week into his first season of any form of cricket, and Atul Sharma has confirmed prior claims to being the quickest bowler on the planet. After clocking a maximum of 172kmph during an incredible display of fast bowling against the Holy Hand Grenades in which he ended up with figures of 6-84, the jury was out - Sharma was, beyond doubt, the fastest bowler in the history of the game.

When asked how he attained such speeds, Sharma mumbled something that vaguely sounded like, "Me flip tyre and swing axe at tree".

This method of intense training has now been adopted by the BCCI and is currently being implemented across fast bowling academies all around India, in hope of producing the second fast bowler for the country.

Ex fastest bowler from India Harbhajan Singh had this to say, "It's a myth. I don't trust the technology used to measure the speed, it does not seem 100% accurate to me."

Unfortunately for Sharma, Harbhajan is just one of the numerous detractors. Reports have recently come in that Ishan Narang (known as Cevno on Silly Point) has claimed that Sharma is bowling at speeds of not more than 140kmph - "I've watched him on TV, he's not that fast". Esteemed member BoyBrumby has also deemed Sharma's action as "slightly suspect" .

Robert Cribb, expert statistician, has acknowledged the feat by Sharma, but says that it does not make him the fastest bowler in the world - "For that title, he has to be playing and bowling for a much longer time to obtain a decent spread of data to work with." At the time of the interview, Cribb was wearing a pair of Pokemon boxers saying Mew = Ditto, so we encourage our readers to have some perspective when reading about this source.

Meanwhile, other high profile cricket personalities who wish to remain unnamed are convinced that the BCCI is to blame. For what exactly, they have yet to confirm.


Daemon is not an assistant editor at ESPNcricinfo

 

[Cabinet96]

Superb!

The thing from Cribb about longevity and the final paragraph were probably the best bits.

 

[MrPrez]

Morne morkel laments lack of batting talent in cwc

CWC celebrity Morne Morkel has come out strongly against the level of batting in the rebel tournament, labeling it "weaker than Robin Peterson's spinning fingers."

The towering pace bowler was speaking after his team, Honey Badgers, dismissed the Holy Hand Grenades for under 200 in both of the defeated outfit's innings. Morkel claimed 5 of the 20 scalps including a delightful hattrick.

"I'd like to say that it was down to our bowling line-up, but I'd be lying" said Morkel. "I'd say the bowling was pretty average, and that's being nice. They only got the wickets so cheaply because the batsmen were plain awful!"

When asked why he only claimed 5 wickets, he replied "I actually felt sorry for them, so I purposefully tried not to get wickets. I lost my concentration at one point and got a hattrick, but all in all I think I did a good job."

Morkel denied claims made by Atul in the media that the Indian slingshot is the quickest bowler in the world. "Again, I reel myself in from bowling 180kph+ and he knows that. Kind of like how Steyn bowls within himself to get swing, except I do it to ensure no fatalities. He may be the fastest Indian, but that's not hard."

 

[Dan]

Egocentric Fast Bowlers in Drunken Scandal
Fast bowlers Atul Sharma and Morne Morkel, currently engaged in a war of words regarding who is the faster bowler, were arrested early on Sunday morning after a drunken night out.

They were found by police at approximately 3am, outside the CricketWeb Club, semi-naked and passed out in a pool of vomit. Witnesses stated the competition between the two spearheads hit a whole new level, with the inebriated fast bowlers drunkenly, and somewhat violently, questioning each other's masculinity.

Only this time, the length of the bowlers was apparently more important than their speed.

JD Hurricane, captain of the Fizzing at the Bung Cricket Club, the third CW-based side in the CricketWebCricket competition, had this to say:
"At FATB CC, we're proud of our fast bowling group's intelligence, cultured actions and open-mindedness. This was the cornerstone of our recruitment process. Now, while Atul Sharma may bowl at an alleged 172km/h, and Morne Morkel may take hat tricks, the egos of these two men have not least let themselves down, but their teams as well. Our quicks, Heath Davis, Hit, Yamadera and Wisney, are all masters of their craft and every bit as sharp as Sharma and Morkel. They, however, do not resort to such uncouth actions to draw attention to themselves. They're team players, while Morkel and Sharma are egocentric and selfish.

"Such actions are not acceptable in a public setting; the general populous should not have to deal with idiotic fast bowlers undertaking such actions as they try to enjoy a nice meal."

Both fast bowlers were arrested for public drunkenness, breach of the peace and various other charges. They were released on bail and placed on an alcohol ban, and will appear in court on October 15th. They may face infractions or bans for their behaviour.

STILL TO COME, COMMENTATORS COMPARE EACH TEAM'S SPEARHEAD

 

[DJellett]

Really appreciate the extra efforts by you guys in this thread

 

[Turbinator]

 

[Dan]

The Debate Settled: Atul Sharma vs Morne Morkel

After a lengthy investigation and interviews with some of CW's favourite residents (and Jono), it can be revealed that neither Atul Sharma nor Morne Morkel are actually that good.

Sharma, who it is claimed has bowled at 172km/h - about 6 times the size of his vocabulary - has been well and truly debunked as a fast bowling prodigy. Even his own coach, Ian Pont, suggested he had been overhyped:

I don't wish to enter into a discussion here but there is so much stupid hype about Atul

Everyone needs to be sensible about this guy.

Don't.Believe.The.Hype.

Morkel, similarly, has been the butt of jokes and criticism on numerous occasions for his inaccuracy, inconsistency and general inability.

After giving up on his pace bowling, he turns to leg spin to resurrect his career. He still bowls many no balls not because he oversteps but because his action is controversial.

Morkell [sic] is a pansy

I don't rate him at all at the moment and I'm not convinced he should even be in the team as it stands.

Finally, the spearhead of Fizzing at the Bung CC, Heath Davis, has been subjected to critical acclaim for his obvious fast bowling prowess.

Heath worryingly quick.

DB Wayne, who has wicketkept to all three bowlers, had this to say:
"Wicketkeeping to Heath has been fine - he's extremely quick, probably on par with Sharma and Morkel, however he has the accuracy neither of the others have. In those trial Twenty20 matches, it was a struggle not to concede 4 byes every second ball; Sharma couldn't get it on the cut strip, and we've all seen that video of Morkel. I'm convinced he was on something and hallucinated that the stumps were walking around towards square leg. Even I couldn't bowl that wide if I tried, and I'm a wicketkeeper!"

Morkel and Sharma were unreachable when requested for interview; team officials stated they were recovering from 'minor training injuries', despite news of their arrest already becoming public.

 

[Daemon]

wac

 

[MW1304]

Brilliant smear campaign rvd.

 

[Gelmatron]

Nah kents, I'm the fastest.

 

[Daemon]

still better than the forumers wc i guess.