It's never been easy being a Pakistani fan. As far back as I can remember, there has been one difficult moment after another. Some dark moments we had no control over. Others, and lately more often than not, were of our making. With each passing scandal, you think we can't sink any lower. You hope we won't be embarrassed any further. And then the next scandal hits.
There is nothing I can write that can properly convey the mix of rage, sadness, and embarrassment that I feel. Oh I want to believe that this is not what it seems. That when all the details/truth come out, my team's innocence will be upheld. Yet I know that's not what will happen. I know deep down inside that the worse will be confirmed. Yet another black mark. Yet another blow to the soul of the Pakistani cricket fan. I feel numb and emotionally exhausted.
It may sound extremely cheesy, but whenever I feel a bit down, one of the things that always picks me up is watching my old VHS tape of the '92 WC Final. My three favorite players of all-time (Imran, Javed, Wasim) on top of the world. Pakistan on top of the world. Imran bowls that final ball, Rameez takes the catch and raises his hands. One by one, the Pakistani players fall to the ground for Sajda's. The final celebrations always bring a smile to my face, no matter how hard a day I just had. That's the effect cricket has always had on me. Today, I just don't have the desire to play that tape. I don't feel I'm in the right state of mind to talk about what should happen to the guilty players, or Pakistan cricket as a whole. I don't think I care anymore tbh.