duffer
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*Official* Pro-Wrestling Thread II
- Thread starter GIMH
- Start date
A generic rock song played throughout the CW Arena as the dulcet, dulcet tones of andmark announced that the following contest was scheduled for one-fall.
"Introducing first, from the Precambrian era, weighing two hundred thirty six pounds, he is the Suicidal, the Homicidal, the Genocidal, death-defying posting highlight reel, OVERRATEDDDDDDDDDD SAAAAAAAAAAANITY!"
OverratedSanity had little chance to challenge the announcer's assertion that he was millions of years old, as Nickleback's new soft-rock-funk monstrosity played, to the groans of the crowd. Little did they know, the choice of duffer's theme music was a subtle ploy to ensure he didn't become a babyface overnight, as he walked down to the ring cursing and swearing at children in the crowd, all the while cooking pasta on the trolley he was wheeling in front of him. He stood just outside the ring, swirling the pasta around as his theme was replaced by that of Jono, the most hated man in all of CWWE.
As the former CWWE Champion posed on the stage, garbage began to fly as the X-Pac heat rolled in. But Jono was unperturbed, casually strolling down the aisle as andmark continued his duty:
"Accompanied to the ring by Virat, from the City of Bangalore, weighing in at one hundred eighty seven pounds, he is...erm...who even is this guy? Oh, it's that Jono ****."
Jono lost his cool as a flying piece of garbage struck the mannequin head he was holding, which had a very poorly-constructed turban perched on it (for all brown characters must be stereotypes in the CWWE) as well as a photo of Virat Kohli's face taped to it. Jono himself had 'Virat' written across his forehead, and began to yell and scream as a "USA, USA, USA" chant reverberated around the arena.
"...and their opponents, first, from the University Law Department, he is the one, the only, JUUUUULIUS...THE SLEDGER... VIIIIIIIIIICENT-AYYYYYYY"
Sledger, as everybody knew him, cooly walked down the aisle to a favourable reaction from the CWWE faithful. He paused at the foot of the ramp, mere metres away from duffer's pasta cart, opting to wait for his reinforcements to arrive instead of entering the lion's den alone.
Some random track from some random Oasis back-catalogue B-side that literally nobody has ever heard then began to play, as andmark continued:
"And his partner, accompanied to the ring by his boi Triple H, from the Great State of Tranmere, weighing in at two hundred and fifty two pounds, he is The Rover himself.... GERIANT...SHANDY PANTS...HEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
As GIMH made his entrance, the camera cut to the commentators -- Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone and spikey -- discussing the match ahead. spikey, speaking exclusively in .gifs and sporting a very fancy pair of SuperNev-eye sunglasses, insinuated that Jono and Virat were inappropriately involved, while Schiavone's entire output for the evening was "BUT WHO'S THE THIRD MAN?!?"
Geriant Hero and Julius Vicente, the current CWWE Tag Team Champions, looked to the curtain as the audience began to chant "FURRRRR-BALLL, FURRRRR-BALLL". But no Furball was forthcoming, and the referee eventually had little choice but to start the match.
Hero began the bout with OverratedSanity, as Jono threw a tantrum and refused to start, while duffer continued to cook his pasta as if he wasn't scheduled to wrestle at all. He even pulled out a chef's hat as he cooked away at the bottom of the ramp. The match itself began slowly, with tests of strength leading to headlock takedowns and the standard chain wrestling one expects at the beginning of a match. GIMH and Julius tagged in and out regularly, ironically having a numbers advantage over OverratedSanity in spite of the 3-on-2 nature of the match. After yet another arm-wrench-into-gut-kick double team move, spikey announced, via .gif, that he'd come across some footage from earlier today that explained the lack of Furball.
"My knee! My knee!" Furball unconvincingly fake-screamed, clearly not in any pain from his knee whatsoever. "I've gone on my morning run and twisted it! I'd better go see the doctor!"
The scene cut to Furball at the hospital, lying on the bed with his leg out-stretched. Not far away, a doctor stood with his back turned
"I've gone on my morning run and twisted my knee! I thought I'd better go see the doctor!"
"Hmmm... good choice Mr. Furnball. Let me get my penne to write this down, in the linguine of the doctor"
"Erm, what. Are you making really terrible pasta puns or am I that drunk?"
The doctor slowly turned around, revealing himself to be duffer, with a full packet of Spaghetti in hand. Before Furball could move, he belted him over the head with the pasta and dumped a vat of sauce over him. Jim Ross, thinking the footage live, began to commentate.
"BAH GAWD DUFFER WITH THE PASTA. HE'S KILLED HIM! HE'S KILLED HIM! AND THE PASTA SAUCE BAH GAWD, BAH GAWD, BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY HE MAY BE BROKEN IN HALF!...though he'd be lovin' it if it was Good Ol' JR"s Barbeque sauce!"
While the footage had been running as an inset, literally nothing else happened in the match. But then, as he climbed the turnbuckle, GIMH's foot barely brushed the side of Virat's head. Jono snapped.
Ignoring the need to tag, because who needs rules anyway, Jono rushed into the ring and felled Julius with a big clothesline, then a second, and then a bodyslam. GIMH dived off the ropes, but was caught by a dropkick that sent him crumpling to the outside floor. Jono began to stomp Julius, and bounced off the ropes for a leg drop. He covered, but GIMH broke up the fall. Now OS was back, half-tackling GIMH to the outside, just in front of duffer's pasta stall. Julius was still down, but Jono turned his attention to the man on the outer, as Virat was right in harm's way when GIMH threw OS into the steel stairs. As Jono and OS grappled with GIMH on the outside, Julius began to recover. He looked at the men, looked at the opposite ropes, then looked at the crowd. They approved.
Hitting the ropes, Julius rebounded at speed and dove clear over the top rope with a wonderful corkscrew tope, crashing into Jono and OS and duffer and Triple H and Virat and GIMH alike, DRIVING THEM ALL STRAIGHT THROUGH THE PASTA STAND!
"BAH GAWD, BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY" -- JR
"Holy ****, holy ****, holy ****, holy ****" -- Crowd
Even spikey was driven to human-emoji status by the ludicrous spot. And his face contorted even more when the glorious strains of Closure in Moscow's Neoprene Byzantine hit. Schiavone lost his ****, finally finding out who the third man was.
"THE THIRD MAN IS DAN! THE THIRD DAN! THE THIRD DAN IS THE MAN!"
spikey slapped him straight across the face and destroyed his headset to make him shut up.
Dan surveyed the damage, opting to ignore the carnage and roll OS back into the ring, as he was the one covered in the least pasta sauce. Attempting a cover, he got a long two as OS got the shoulder up. The match picked up in pace, with a few acrobatic arm drags followed by a big dropkick, giving Dan the time to bounce off the ropes for a big headscissors takedown as OS regained his footing. Going up to the top rope, he opted for a flying cross body into the recovering duffer, knocking him straight back into the pasta. Dan popped back up immediately, yelling to the crowd who were all squarely in his corner. But as he rolled back into the ring, OS kept him down with some nasty stomps.
Meanwhile, GIMH had possession of Virat and was taunting Jono. Then, he made a critical mistake. He took Virat and THREW HIM INTO THE VAT OF PASTA SAUCE. Jono lost it, utterly destroying GIMH with a big clothesline and no-selling sledger's sledgehammer shot, ripping the weapon out of Vicente's hands and snapping it in half over his own head. The rage continued, powerbombing Julius onto GIMH's prone body, and savagely kicking the two of them in the ribs. Even Triple H wasn't spared, as he tried to protect his bois from the rampage. Jono picked Trips up and slammed him back-first into the ring post, dropping him on top of GIMH and Julius to lock in a triple Sharpshooter.
Back in the ring, OS and duffer had Dan in all sorts of trouble, until Dan started no-selling as a part of his comeback. Hulking up like a man with the yellowest of dicks, he slowly turned the tables, fighting the two men off with punches and forearms. He hit a spinebuster on duffer, and caught an incoming OS with AN RKO OUTTA NOWHERE. He covered, but only got two as OS proved he could take punishment with the best of them. A missile dropkick-into-running knee lift-into-neckbreaker-into-standing moonsault combination looked to finish off the match, but Jono appeared out of nowhere to break up the pinfall. Still on a rampage, Jono ran past the fall, kicking it apart, and scaled the top turnbuckle to dive into the conveniently-cleared Spanish Announce Table for literally no reason whatsoever. duffer, having got back to his feat, stared on in wonderment before shrugging his shoulders and pulling out a frying pan.
Clearing house with the pan, smashing Dan over the head and catching both GIMH and Julius with it as they re-entered the ring, it looked like duffer and OS had everything under control. Enter Triple H. Pulling out a second sledgehammer, he quickly disposed of the unfortunate OS before slamming the hammer into duffer's guts. One big Pedigree later, it looked like a win for the good guys as Dan went to the top rope. He turned his back to attempt the shooting star press, but as he rotated Triple H jumped in the way and caught him with the sledgehammer in mid-air.
"WHAT IS TRIPLE H DOING? BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY HE'S KILLED HIM!"
With a nasty Pedigree onto the frying pan, Trips pulled duffer's unconscious body on top of Dan's, and the rule-ignoring referee counted three. After some of duffer's music played, the arena went silent. Triple H, still next to Dan, was the only audible voice in the ring -- "I WILL BURY YOU! YOU WILL NEVER BE THE FACE OF THIS COMPANY GODDAMMIT!"
If 'Hardcore Holly-style' is 'accused of ***ual assault', then yeah.
OverratedSanity
Request Your Custom Title Now!
GIMH
Norwood's on Fire
Ah yesssssdan you legend
Reminds me of the good old E-fed days.