A furious Brendan McCullum today let loose with a barrage of post match criticism, most of which was directed at his bowling unit’s inability to score runs.
“As a bowling unit we’re just not putting enough runs on the board.”
“Moving forward, we can’t rely on our top order batsmen for runs. That’s an outdated approach which we’ve been trying to phase out under Hess (Mike Hesson).”
“We see the main role of batsmen in this side as a sort of mascots, cheering the bowlers on and clapping from time to time.”
“This is what we’ve diverted our focus to in training, because our analysis showed that actually batting long periods of time in test matches is quite hard, and as a result we’ve decided we can’t really be bothered.”
“Aside from that, by the time we (batsmen) have hauled our gear bags to the game, there’s not a hell of a lot left in the tank for batting. We’re not machines…”
McCullum was at pains to point out the crucial role the bowlers played in posting competitive totals.
“I mean, who’s better suited to face a bowler than other bowlers? They know how each other think. If you asked me or any of the other batsmen in the side what a bowler was thinking or planning, we’d literally have no idea.”
Batting all rounder Chris Martin reinforced McCullum’s view: “For me, personally, I see my main role in the squad as an enforcer at number 11. Ideally I want to come in, dominate a bowling attack, and score a quick century or double century. If I can take a few wickets too, then that’s just a bonus.”
Coach Mike Hesson wasn’t available for comment, as he was disposed in a small South African village negotiating the purchase of a mysterious drink, which sources say he believes may be the elixir of life.
“Once Hess gets us that elixir, everything’s going to be fine.” A restless and sweaty McCullum added.
“We’re all going to be just fine…”
The New Zealander - McCullum: Bowlers Aren’t Doing Enough With The Bat
