Well, I've plotted New Zealand's path to winning the World Cup. Nostradamus has spoken - these are the nine no-nonsense guaranteed steps to World Cup glory. Place your bets now. Doubters be warned.
Step 1) Beat Kenya.
Step 2) Do the expected thing and lose to Australia. Do not under any circumstances beat Australia, as this will cause teams to mentally move NZ from 'speed bump' to 'possible threat'. It's important not to peak early.
Step 3) Tactical loss to Zimbabwe, confirming to everyone that New Zealand are a bunch of complete no-hopers with no chance whatsoever in the tournament.
Step 4) Batsmen get themselves into form with a confidence boosting 320 batting first against Pakistan. Then bowlers bowl half volleys and half-trackers to Abdul Razzaq and Shahid Afridi as Pakistan get there in 37 overs.
Step 5) Manage to beat Canada comfortably, despite John Davison scoring a quick 70 from 40 balls.
Step 6) Narrowly beat an understrength Sri Lanka (who have already qualified) and sneak into the quarter finals on net run rate.
Step 7) Somehow end up playing the West Indies in the quarter finals. They have one of their off days and self destruct batting first. NZ limp to 153/6 in entirely unconvincing fashion and take the match.
Step 8) Play South Africa in the semi final. They enter the match as overwhelming favourites and do what South Africa does best.
Step 9) The Indian papers have already printed their celebratory headlines for the next day. But MS Dhoni has a nervous breakdown under the pressure while NZ play out of skins and beat India in the final. The stars align... This is just going to be the 1-in-20 day when everything goes right.
<Picture of Vettori holding up the trophy>
See I could live with a Pak/Ind QF if the above results took place. Even though I'd likely die of a heart attack during the QF, it would be worth it to see those upsets.
