I'll have to see if I can dig it out for you.
EDIT:
Courtesy of the authors:
Wife: “Err, why don’t we just go out to a restaurant tonight, dear?”
James: “But I was going to make something special!”
Wife: “Our neighbours are still recovering from the lasagne you made last Saturday!”
James: “What do you mean recovering!?”
Wife: “Neil only just got out of hospital on Thursday!”
James: “Yeah, but Neil is just a wimp!!”
Wife: “He had to have six hours of surgery!”
James: “Yeah, on his brain.”
Wife: “And their dog died after eating the leftovers!”
James: “They don’t even own a dog!”
Wife: “If he didn’t die first!”
James: “Good thing they don’t have any kids…wait. Did they have a kid? OH MY GOD DID I KILL - “
Wife: “No, James.”
James: “Should have gone to Spec Savers! I thought the rat poison was olive oil. Oops!”
Wife: “Daniel did offer you a free eye examination at Spec Savers, you didn’t have to act so offended!”
James: “Glasses aren’t my style! I wouldn’t be fashion forward with them!”
Wife: “HEY! What are you saying about my reading glasses?!”
James: “That they’re as fashionable as Peter Siddle’s Dingo fur vest!”
Wife: “I’ve seen you in your water polo gear - you are in no position to be talking fashion!”
James: “That’s water polo fashion, it’s fine! At least I don’t have a blouse like yours!”
Wife: “You bought this for me for Christmas - I was just wearing it to keep you happy!”
James: “I bought it because it’s the kind of unfashionable thing you like!”
Wife: “Yeah?? Well your new haircut is stupid! Nobody can take you seriously, purely because of your hair!”
James: “Oh really? Your face is stupid!!”
Wife: “WELL WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO MARRY THIS FACE THEN?!”
James: “Otherwise I was going to die alone! I was desperate!”
Wife: “James, you’re an international cricketer; who wouldn’t marry you?”
James: “Not Scarlett Johannsen”
Wife: “Not if you use the scary eyes on her - that’s how you get yourself a restraining order, as you now know.”
James: “I should get a restraining order on Neil. He stares at me while he’s cutting the lawn!”
Wife: “That’s because he was wondering why the freak circus was in town at this time of year.”
James: “What’s that supposed to mean!?”
Wife: “Nothing, Bearded Lady.”
James: “You’re the lady, and I don’t even have a beard!!”
Wife: “So now you’re saying that I have a beard?!”
James: “It’s more of a moustache…”
Wife: “James! That’s no way to speak to Neil’s wife, it’s been a very traumatic week for their family!”
James: “I was talking about you!”
Wife: “Well Patricia thought you were talking about her, ISN’T THAT RIGHT, PATRICIA?”
James: “I just told you that you had a moustache and you are more worried about that silly bimbo Patricia and her bad wallpaper?”
Wife: “I’M AN INTERIOR DESIGNER; I AM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THAT WALLPAPER.”
James: “I thought you were an accountant!”
Wife: “You’re never here, you don’t even know that I made a serious career change six months ago!”
James: “Being an interior designer is stupid! Get a real job home dog”
Wife: “Alright, PROFESSIONAL WATER POLO PLAYER. I’m sure THAT job will last you another forty years.”
James: “Oh yeah? I’m making all the money! You didn’t even congratulate me when I got a contract!”
Wife: “YOU’RE NOT EVEN SERBIAN.”
James: “Shut up, you’re not even a women!!”
Wife: That’s a bit hypocritical, er, Jamie. And I do mean that in the female version of the name.”
James: “Am so a man!”
Wife: “I think you’re pregnant, James.”
James: “You always look pregnant”
Wife: “Well according to SOMEONE, I’m a man. So how could I possibly be pregnant?”
James: “I’m calling you fat”
Wife: “WELL I AM PREGNANT, SO UNLESS YOU WANT OUR UNBORN CHILD’S NAME TO BE ‘FAT’, I’D SHUT UP.”
James: “Well it’s not my child”
Wife: “WELL, IT’S NOT NEIL’S, IS IT?”
James: “I HAVEN’T BEEN HERE! It’s not mine!!”
Wife: “I visited you in England two months ago, or do you not recall this?!”
James: “You didn’t even show up!!”
Wife: “How could you say that?? I was there for three weeks!”
James: “You must have been at someone else’s house because you weren’t at mine!”
Wife: “I got food poisoning from your steak and chips, where else could I have been?”
James: “Burger King? You definitely weren’t at mine!”
Wife: “Burger King? What are you on about?! I’ve dyed my hair since then, don’t you remember a blonde woman at your house?”
James: “Kane came to visit, he’s blonde but a man…”
Wife: “Yeah, I was with him! I was visiting my cousin in Bristol so I caught the bus with him.”
James: “You were never there and Kane never said he saw you!”
Wife: “Oh, Kane would say that. Because it’s his child.”
James: “WHAT!? YOU CHEATED ON ME?”
Wife: “No, I’m Kane’s girlfriend, you dick. Your wife made us switch places for a week, just to see if you’d notice.”
James: “Kane’s girlfriend isn’t blonde and isn’t fat…”
Wife: “I told you I dyed my hair, and weight is subjective!”
James: “Stupid WAG get out of my house!”
Wife: “Whatever, bitch. And by the way, you forgot your wife’s birthday.”
James: “**** off you smell like pickles!”
The End.
