<quack>
4 March, West Indies v Kenya, Kimberley
Hitesh Modi (Kenya)
The plucky Kenyan, whose only previous appearance in this column was as 'The man Canada never wanted to get out', thrust himself forward into the limelight for a second time in the tournament when he bagged a first-baller to the once-again very impressive Vasbert Drakes who most definitely shoulders no blame whatsoever for the early departure of my favourites to win the entire tournament the West Indies. No, you know who you are you sad load of getting-out-as-soon-as-you-get-in and can't-catch-anything-to-save-your-lives failures. Cost me a fiver at the bookies, would you? I digress. Drakes to Modi, outside edge, caught by Ridley Jacobs. zzzzzzzz.
<Luckyeddie> Modi's middle name is 'Subhash'
<DD> That figures, although he made more of a full hash of his innings today.
DD rating - 0.5 lilypads
Maurice Odumbe (Kenya)
The splendidly impressive, hostile Jermaine Lawson steams in to Odumbe, himself fresh from registering a sparkling half-century against Bangladesh which had gone a long way towards carrying the Kenyans into the Super Sixes. The ball is short, very quick and the batsman is forced on to the back foot. At least, he would have been able to get onto his back foot if three vertical bits of timber hadn't got in the way. Hit wicket, second ball - a fine effort. As Selwyn would say, 'Magic, our Maurice' (our older readers may appreciate that).
DD rating - 7 lilypads
Breadcrumb moment - The post-game party(West Indies)
<DD> We are privileged today to have with us the greatest-ever bowler, living or dead, to play for Derbyshire - Michael Anthony Holding.
<Arthur X> He's not here yet.
<DD> Well, who IS here?
<Arthur X> Chris Gayle
<DD> OK, he'll do. Photographic memory, fascination for statistics and all. Grab him quick before he gets another one down his neck. The bar's free today.
<Arthur X> Oi, Chris Gayle. Over 'ere a minute.
<DD> Arthur, put the gun away.
<Chris Gayle> Hello dere. What can I do for you (hic)?
<DD> Devil Ducky, Cricket Web. Could you spare us a few minutes?
<CG> Sure ting, mon. Mikey not turned up yet?
<DD> Er, who?
<CG> 'Olding. 'Im an' Vas 'avin de boat race - first to eight.
<DD> (whispers) Arthur, keep rolling. We can wipe that bit when we get back to the studio.
<Arthur X> (chuckles) Sure thing, boss.
<DD> Chris, great innings today. Tell us about it in your own words.
<CG> Well, Martin Suji opened de bowlin. First ball was outside off stick, I left 'im alone. Second ball, 'e was a beauty - 'it de seam, I was lucky, mon. Tird ball, I left 'im alone. De fourt' ball of de over, I played 'im off de back foot to point....
<DD> (whispers) How much tape we got today, Arthur?
<Arthur X> A C-90, but we'll have to record over Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' at this rate.
<DD> Chris, what about some of your scoring strokes?
<CG> Oooo-kay. Dat Angara (hic) gave me a few outside off stick, so I smashed 'im troo de covers a time or two. You know, food an' drink. Speakin' of which, you wanna Red Stripe and someting to eat?
<DD> Thanks.
<CG> Dey got roast duck on de menu toda...... sorry. I'll see if dey doin' lilypad sandwiches. 'Lo, Mikey an' Vas just come in. Hey, over here, guys.
<Vasbert Drakes> Hi, DD.
<Michael Holding> 'Lo, lickle duck. 'Ow yer goin'?
<DD> Hello, guys. Michael, how disappointed are you that the West Indies failed to make it to the Super Sixes?
<MH> Well, I tink de side started goin' down'ill after I retired.
<DD> Did you not think that Curtley and Courtney were tremendous assets to the side in the 90's?
<MH> Who?
<DD> Curtley Ambrose.... Courtney Walsh.....
<MH> Oh, dose guys. Well, I suppose dey were ok. Now Ian Bishop, on de udder hand - did I ever tell you I was responsible for makin' 'im come to Derbyshire?
<DD> Fine bowler, but a little too injury-prone.
<MH> Yes, but he could mix a tremendous Daiquiri
<DD> Indeed...
<MH> Plenty of rom
<DD> About your record for Derbyshire....
<MH> Twenty tree daiquiris in tree minutes...
<DD> No, the eight wickets against Sussex in 1981, the nine wickets in an innings in.....
<MH> Twenty tree. I'm really proud of dat. Couple of 'em popped out again, but you can't catch 'em all, 'specially when dey comin' at you at dat speed. Course, in dose days I was quick. Even had time for a Cuba Libra in de miggle...
<DD> Getting back to the cricket - how do you feel about the early exit from the tournament, Vasbert?
<Vasbert Drakes> A little disappointed, DD. The fates conspired against us, I think.
<DD> Yes. The rain was most unfortunate in the game against Bangladesh...
<VD> No, I meant the stupid Lara run out against New Zealand, losin' the toss against Sri Lanka, Ram gettin' biffed on the noggin, Carl and Chris's fielding in the slips to my bowlin' at any time....
<CG> Last time I buy you a beer
<VD> De bar's free.
<DD> Chris. I noticed that you weren't moving that freely today.
<CG> No, I've got an injury. Unfortunate really. Got hit, er, unluckily, by a cricket ball...
<DD> How's that?
<CG> Don't you start. Seems Vasbert was a bit upset at Carl following de Bangladesh game, and trew a ball at 'im. Vas missed, de ball 'it me on de um er,
<DD> Rectum?
<CG> Lucky it didn't shatter 'em. Anyway, dat's why it took me 143 balls to get to my 'undred today.
<DD> You seem fascinated by statistics, Chris..
<CG> Happened a few years ago when someone told me that 1 person in 5 is Chinese.
<DD> Yes, but I fail to see...
<CG> That's right, 1 in 5. Amazing statistic. Take my family. There's five of us, so the odds are that one of us is Chinese.
<DD> Really?
<CG> Well, there's mum and dad, me, my older brother Colin and my younger brother Hop Lee Fung.
<DD> Amazing.
<CG> Personally, I think it's Colin.
<DD> Well, our time's just about run out here in Kimberley. So from Chris Gayle, Michael Holding, Vasbert Drakes and me, Devil Ducky, it's goodnight.
<CG> Goodnight.
<MH and VD> zzzzzzzzz
<DD> Arthur, ready to wipe the, er, out-takes?
<Arthur X> Sorry, boss. It went out live.