Mr Mxyzptlk
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Simply genius. One of the best yet!
-
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Devil Ducky's Diary
- Thread starter luckyeddie
- Start date
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luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Friday, 23 May, 2003
Dear Diary :
Question : When do twelve go exactly into eleven?
Answer : When you are nearly a test cricketer.
Yesterday, the cricketing world was stunned to a duck when the news broke of the erstwhile one-day international seamer of questionable action and current England squad reject James Kirtley slamming his way to a glorious ton for Sussex against Nottinghamshire at Horsham. The only problem was, shortly earlier he was there for all the world to see, standing on the balcony at Lord's watching the highlights of the first coin-toss between England and Zimbabwe (see yesterday's Diary).
This, thought I, deserved further investigation. So I did just that - thought about investigating it. The conclusion I came to was too terrible to contemplate, but it was there for all to see. I checked on Ananova, I checked on Cricinfo, I checked on any other news source I could care to mention - R J Kirtley 103 not out. The proof was there - I realised that 'Dolly the Sheep' was the first tottering step along the slippery slope towards - yes, you've guessed it - CLONING OF CRICKETERS.
'Jurassic Park' started it all off. When Michael Crichton wrote the novel, did he contemplate the possibility that the monsters at Sussex County Cricket Club would take his words literally and keep Kirtley's toenail clippings for their own, sinister purpose? How could we all have been so blind?
Cast your mind back a couple of years to when India won the famous test against Australia after following on. That magnificent innings of 270-odd by VVS Laxman. Remember what everyone said? "Just like Tendulkar." Then last season in England when Rahul Dravid slammed the ball to all parts all summer long? "Just like Tendulkar." Ask Leicestershire what they think of Sehwag. "Just like Tendulkar." INDIA HAVE BEEN CLONING BATSMEN FOR YEARS!
In search of further proof, I looked at England. James Anderson? Corky! Matthew Hoggard? Corky again!. Andrew Flintoff? Corky with a few extra burgers and a pizza thrown in. So much for that theory. Why use Corky and not Botham - or Grace even? There must be a few beard hairs stuck down the side of a chair in the Long Room. Maybe it wasn't cloning after all, but I knew I was on the right track. Possibly the ECB are just being careful - those devils are clever, you know. I checked again - R J Kirtley 103 not out.
There just wasn't time to get out of Lord's, in to the car, pay the congestion charge and drive down to Horsham AND score a hundred. Besides, this is James Kirtley we are talking about here, so let's just hang in with the cloning theory a little longer.
The 'real' Kirtley - let's call him 'Kirtley' to avoid confusion - gets to Horsham and tries to gain admittance to the ground. The attendant guarding the entrance to the players' car park asks him "Where do you think you're going?"
"Afternoon Fred." replies Kirtley. "Looks like rain."
Fred looks him up and down suspiciously, glances at the scoreboard, sees the legend 'R J Kirtley 103*'. He checks again. He rings his boss. "How many runs has Kirtley scored?".
The head of security at Horsham, also called Fred, misunderstands and spends half an hour trying to log on to Cricinfo (as usual) and pulls up this season's analysis for R J Kirtley. He sees that his aggregate for this season is, coincidentally, 103. "103" calls back Herr Oberleutnent Fred to Fred.
Fred goes back to Kirtley's car. "Good to see you again, Mr Innes."
You see? Cloning.
Footnote : Under ECB regulations this season, a player returning from test match duty to his county can, if returning before the end of the second day, take the place of a PREVIOUSLY-NOMINATED player and become, in effect, a member of the starting XI.
A likely story!
Dear Diary :
Question : When do twelve go exactly into eleven?
Answer : When you are nearly a test cricketer.
Yesterday, the cricketing world was stunned to a duck when the news broke of the erstwhile one-day international seamer of questionable action and current England squad reject James Kirtley slamming his way to a glorious ton for Sussex against Nottinghamshire at Horsham. The only problem was, shortly earlier he was there for all the world to see, standing on the balcony at Lord's watching the highlights of the first coin-toss between England and Zimbabwe (see yesterday's Diary).
This, thought I, deserved further investigation. So I did just that - thought about investigating it. The conclusion I came to was too terrible to contemplate, but it was there for all to see. I checked on Ananova, I checked on Cricinfo, I checked on any other news source I could care to mention - R J Kirtley 103 not out. The proof was there - I realised that 'Dolly the Sheep' was the first tottering step along the slippery slope towards - yes, you've guessed it - CLONING OF CRICKETERS.
'Jurassic Park' started it all off. When Michael Crichton wrote the novel, did he contemplate the possibility that the monsters at Sussex County Cricket Club would take his words literally and keep Kirtley's toenail clippings for their own, sinister purpose? How could we all have been so blind?
Cast your mind back a couple of years to when India won the famous test against Australia after following on. That magnificent innings of 270-odd by VVS Laxman. Remember what everyone said? "Just like Tendulkar." Then last season in England when Rahul Dravid slammed the ball to all parts all summer long? "Just like Tendulkar." Ask Leicestershire what they think of Sehwag. "Just like Tendulkar." INDIA HAVE BEEN CLONING BATSMEN FOR YEARS!
In search of further proof, I looked at England. James Anderson? Corky! Matthew Hoggard? Corky again!. Andrew Flintoff? Corky with a few extra burgers and a pizza thrown in. So much for that theory. Why use Corky and not Botham - or Grace even? There must be a few beard hairs stuck down the side of a chair in the Long Room. Maybe it wasn't cloning after all, but I knew I was on the right track. Possibly the ECB are just being careful - those devils are clever, you know. I checked again - R J Kirtley 103 not out.
There just wasn't time to get out of Lord's, in to the car, pay the congestion charge and drive down to Horsham AND score a hundred. Besides, this is James Kirtley we are talking about here, so let's just hang in with the cloning theory a little longer.
The 'real' Kirtley - let's call him 'Kirtley' to avoid confusion - gets to Horsham and tries to gain admittance to the ground. The attendant guarding the entrance to the players' car park asks him "Where do you think you're going?"
"Afternoon Fred." replies Kirtley. "Looks like rain."
Fred looks him up and down suspiciously, glances at the scoreboard, sees the legend 'R J Kirtley 103*'. He checks again. He rings his boss. "How many runs has Kirtley scored?".
The head of security at Horsham, also called Fred, misunderstands and spends half an hour trying to log on to Cricinfo (as usual) and pulls up this season's analysis for R J Kirtley. He sees that his aggregate for this season is, coincidentally, 103. "103" calls back Herr Oberleutnent Fred to Fred.
Fred goes back to Kirtley's car. "Good to see you again, Mr Innes."
You see? Cloning.
Footnote : Under ECB regulations this season, a player returning from test match duty to his county can, if returning before the end of the second day, take the place of a PREVIOUSLY-NOMINATED player and become, in effect, a member of the starting XI.
A likely story!
Last edited:
lord_of_darkness
Cricket Web XI Moderator
lol this is mean 
as in extremely good
as in extremely good
Mr Mxyzptlk
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Ah, I said yesterday's was the best yet. I change that. Sensational stuff!
(And the trend continues - diary post, posts of appreciation and rave reviews
)
(And the trend continues - diary post, posts of appreciation and rave reviews
)
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Saturday, 24 May, 2003
Dear Diary :
Spare a thought today for the man in the middle. Cricket in the modern era is subject to all sorts of scrutiny, ranging from slow-motion action replays, stump cameras and the like right the way through to 'Hawkeye' - a range of tracking sensors strewn around the ground whose main purpose seems to lie somewhere between giving commentators something to talk about and making umpires look stupid.
One who should know is Simon Taufel, of course. I bumped into him quite by accident the other day in town. I heard this voice behind me. "Good afternoon. I brought a pair of shoes in for repair a few days ago. Could you tell me when they will be ready?" he asked.
"Excuse me," I interrupted. "You are a cricket umpire, aren't you?"
"Why, yes I am," he replied. "How did you know?"
"Because this is a newsagent's. The cobbler's shop is on the OTHER side of the optician's."
Taking advantage of my good fortune, I asked Simon for an exclusive interview for Cricket Web. When I caught up to him half an hour later, he finally consented, adding that he would only do it upon condition that I gave a prominent mention to our mutual friend, Megan Gaukroger, who was largely responsible for 'engineering' the chance encounter. Naturally, I refused.
We sat in the park and talked for hours - I just couldn't get away (God knows, I tried). I asked him about his formative years - whatever made him decide to become an umpire? "I did it for a bet!" he exclaimed. "No, really, I did. My best friend, David, bet me ten dollars that I couldn't pass the exams and become a decent umpire."
"Fascinating," I said. "And what does David think now?"
"I saw him the other week and reminded him of our wager - he still hasn't paid me" said Simon.
"Well, he did stipulate that you become a DECENT umpire." I joked. Picking up my teeth, I instantly regretted my faux pas.
At this point, I sensed that things weren't exactly going well, so I hurriedly changed the subject. "People talk about the 'dreaded finger' - some umpires seem to take an inordinate amount of time in their deliberations. What are your feelings regarding the agonies that batsmen are subjected to?"
"Oh, I'm all in favour of it. Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean that I'm in favour of making batsmen squirm - it's just that an umpire has to weigh up all the pros and cons before he arrives at his decision." he replied.
"In what way?" I asked.
"You have to take into account all sorts of things. For instance, with an appeal for leg-before, did it pitch outside leg? Was the batsman genuinely playing a shot? What about the height? Would it have hit the stumps? Did I put enough money in the parking meter?"
I asked about fitness. "Umpires today have to be really fit. Cricket is a very physical game, but so is umpiring. I regularly work out to the extent that I can do push-ups using just my index finger, so a batsman's hardly likely to be able to keep it down by will-power alone."
"How old were you when you became an umpire?" I asked.
"I was 22 when I made my First Class debut, later I had a few outings as a TV umpire in internationals and finally stood in my first Test Match in 2000." Taufel replied.
"Yes, I remember." I said. "A Boxing Day start at Melbourne. Was everyone else on holiday?"
"Just keep your mouth shut and I'll only have to THINK you're stupid - or in your case - beak." he snorted.
"That doesn't make sense. Keep my mouth shut and you'll only think I'm BEAK?" I asked politely.
When I regained consciousness, I returned to the subject of exercise. "It's very important for an umpire to warm up correctly. Before I leave the dressing-room, I do all sorts of stretching exercises. Signalling wides, one-short, the lot. A good fifteen minutes - and it's essential that you do, even for the younger umpires. Remember the unfortunate 'accident' which Billy Bowden suffered recently? First ball of the day, a no-ball. Struck the batsman on the pad, went for four. Poor Billy tried to pull all three signals at once - had to spend five days in traction."
I had heard that Simon, in common with most sportsmen, was a little superstitious, so I gently raised the matter. "Well, I have the odd little foible, but nothing too elaborate. A typical day starts with me having a shower, drying myself on my lucky towel, putting on my lucky clothes, eating a breakfast of bacon, eggs and two slices of lucky wholemeal toast, filling my lucky water bottle, driving to the ground without touching a road containing the letter 'M', talking to the captains - mind you, I'm always careful to be wearing my lucky baseball cap if one of them is Saurav Ganguly and it's a Friday because he's left-handed - and, of course keeping an eye out for Mark Nicholas."
"Is he unlucky?" I asked.
"No, I owe him fifty bucks."
On other umpires - "Dickie Bird is a legend. Do you know that he can spot a single cumulus cloud from fifty miles? He's been retired ten years now but he still carries a light-meter - 'just in case'. David Shepherd's the one, though. I have never met anyone so dedicated to his sport. Do you know that he had his house moved a quarter of a mile just so that the number 111 bus would stop outside his front door?"
Just before the park-keeper came to throw us out, I asked Simon Taufel what he thought he would be if he wasn't a test match umpire. "Well, I love umpiring, the responsibility of making important decisions, decisions that affect people's lives. You know, actually 'making a difference' - being someone who is fair, considerate but above all ruthless, so I suppose it would have to be a traffic warden."
Simon James Arthur Taufel, a true gentleman of sport.
Dear Diary :
Spare a thought today for the man in the middle. Cricket in the modern era is subject to all sorts of scrutiny, ranging from slow-motion action replays, stump cameras and the like right the way through to 'Hawkeye' - a range of tracking sensors strewn around the ground whose main purpose seems to lie somewhere between giving commentators something to talk about and making umpires look stupid.
One who should know is Simon Taufel, of course. I bumped into him quite by accident the other day in town. I heard this voice behind me. "Good afternoon. I brought a pair of shoes in for repair a few days ago. Could you tell me when they will be ready?" he asked.
"Excuse me," I interrupted. "You are a cricket umpire, aren't you?"
"Why, yes I am," he replied. "How did you know?"
"Because this is a newsagent's. The cobbler's shop is on the OTHER side of the optician's."
Taking advantage of my good fortune, I asked Simon for an exclusive interview for Cricket Web. When I caught up to him half an hour later, he finally consented, adding that he would only do it upon condition that I gave a prominent mention to our mutual friend, Megan Gaukroger, who was largely responsible for 'engineering' the chance encounter. Naturally, I refused.
We sat in the park and talked for hours - I just couldn't get away (God knows, I tried). I asked him about his formative years - whatever made him decide to become an umpire? "I did it for a bet!" he exclaimed. "No, really, I did. My best friend, David, bet me ten dollars that I couldn't pass the exams and become a decent umpire."
"Fascinating," I said. "And what does David think now?"
"I saw him the other week and reminded him of our wager - he still hasn't paid me" said Simon.
"Well, he did stipulate that you become a DECENT umpire." I joked. Picking up my teeth, I instantly regretted my faux pas.
At this point, I sensed that things weren't exactly going well, so I hurriedly changed the subject. "People talk about the 'dreaded finger' - some umpires seem to take an inordinate amount of time in their deliberations. What are your feelings regarding the agonies that batsmen are subjected to?"
"Oh, I'm all in favour of it. Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean that I'm in favour of making batsmen squirm - it's just that an umpire has to weigh up all the pros and cons before he arrives at his decision." he replied.
"In what way?" I asked.
"You have to take into account all sorts of things. For instance, with an appeal for leg-before, did it pitch outside leg? Was the batsman genuinely playing a shot? What about the height? Would it have hit the stumps? Did I put enough money in the parking meter?"
I asked about fitness. "Umpires today have to be really fit. Cricket is a very physical game, but so is umpiring. I regularly work out to the extent that I can do push-ups using just my index finger, so a batsman's hardly likely to be able to keep it down by will-power alone."
"How old were you when you became an umpire?" I asked.
"I was 22 when I made my First Class debut, later I had a few outings as a TV umpire in internationals and finally stood in my first Test Match in 2000." Taufel replied.
"Yes, I remember." I said. "A Boxing Day start at Melbourne. Was everyone else on holiday?"
"Just keep your mouth shut and I'll only have to THINK you're stupid - or in your case - beak." he snorted.
"That doesn't make sense. Keep my mouth shut and you'll only think I'm BEAK?" I asked politely.
When I regained consciousness, I returned to the subject of exercise. "It's very important for an umpire to warm up correctly. Before I leave the dressing-room, I do all sorts of stretching exercises. Signalling wides, one-short, the lot. A good fifteen minutes - and it's essential that you do, even for the younger umpires. Remember the unfortunate 'accident' which Billy Bowden suffered recently? First ball of the day, a no-ball. Struck the batsman on the pad, went for four. Poor Billy tried to pull all three signals at once - had to spend five days in traction."
I had heard that Simon, in common with most sportsmen, was a little superstitious, so I gently raised the matter. "Well, I have the odd little foible, but nothing too elaborate. A typical day starts with me having a shower, drying myself on my lucky towel, putting on my lucky clothes, eating a breakfast of bacon, eggs and two slices of lucky wholemeal toast, filling my lucky water bottle, driving to the ground without touching a road containing the letter 'M', talking to the captains - mind you, I'm always careful to be wearing my lucky baseball cap if one of them is Saurav Ganguly and it's a Friday because he's left-handed - and, of course keeping an eye out for Mark Nicholas."
"Is he unlucky?" I asked.
"No, I owe him fifty bucks."
On other umpires - "Dickie Bird is a legend. Do you know that he can spot a single cumulus cloud from fifty miles? He's been retired ten years now but he still carries a light-meter - 'just in case'. David Shepherd's the one, though. I have never met anyone so dedicated to his sport. Do you know that he had his house moved a quarter of a mile just so that the number 111 bus would stop outside his front door?"
Just before the park-keeper came to throw us out, I asked Simon Taufel what he thought he would be if he wasn't a test match umpire. "Well, I love umpiring, the responsibility of making important decisions, decisions that affect people's lives. You know, actually 'making a difference' - being someone who is fair, considerate but above all ruthless, so I suppose it would have to be a traffic warden."
Simon James Arthur Taufel, a true gentleman of sport.
Last edited:
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Eyes : You are most welcome.
Mr Mxyzptlk
Request Your Custom Title Now!
Mr Mxyzptlk said:
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
I asked him - shouted for ages - but three hours later he still hadn't given his decision.vishnureddy said:Great Stuff, LE
R_Powell_fan
U19 Captain
Eyes:- In an off-topic thread "Why people don't stay the distance?" you said something 'bout moving and looking for a job......I thought you were a full-time umpire, are you a part-time umpire ?
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Monday, 26 May, 2003
Dear Diary :
I've just noticed. There's a page missing from my diary. Honestly, there is NO Sunday, 25 May 2003. There used to be, I'm sure (although it could explain why the diary was in the 'bargain bin' at the bookstore when I bought it). What is more, I was sure that I wrote something in it yesterday, but my mind is a little fuzzy this morning. It's almost as though a whole portion of my life has been cut out and thrown away. I can't even remember what happened yesterday (although alcohol would normally have something to do with that).
The last thing I can remember was sitting down in front of the television yesterday afternoon to watch the feed from Trinidad as Australia cruised to their 22nd One Day International victory in succession. I had my diary with me, I was there, poised, ready to record the key points, pen in one hand, glass of whisky in the other and then....... nothing.
Examining the diary, I notice that there appears to be the tattered remnants of a page between Saturday the 24th and this one, so what could possibly have happened?
There are only three possibilities :
1. Australia lost, Ricky Ponting cannot handle being branded a 'failure' and consequently he has attempted a cover-up by flying to England and ripping the offending page out, also erasing my memory from the past 24 hours.
2. I got drunk
3. Aliens
The first is preposterous (not the fact that Ricky Ponting would go to so much trouble in order to look good - the supposition that the current West Indies side could even come close to ending the run of victories is just silly), the second is unlikely - there is still some whisky left in one of the bottles on the coffee table (after all, when you are legless, the saying "One's not enough, two's nowhere near enough" springs to mind) - so that leaves number 3.
Aliens stole a page from my diary - that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Anyway, back to reality for a while. The run had to come to an end sometime, and yesterday was as good a day as any for it to happen. It'll be a long while before any side ever wins 22 straight. Something remarkable would have to happen - say England play a 22-game series against Bangladesh. It would never happen, though. England would find some excuse to pull out after losing the first dozen.
The Aussies will be back, though. The character in the side is enormous. Their collective heart is nearly as big as Brad Hogg's lip. What happened there? From BAGGY GREEN - "A shot from Andrew Symonds bounced off a post and hit Brad on the lip." Right. That explains why, in the next game (St Lucia), Ponting asked Hogg to bowl and asked him what field he wanted. "Don't care - just as long as Symonds's at short leg." came the chirpy reply.
Some people write any old rubbish in the belief that, if you hit enough keys often enough, you will come up with a story (how else to you think I come up with this column?). I should like to congratulate the CRICINFO staff writers for coming up with the following scoop - England don't want Freddie. I quote "England's hopes of having Andrew Flintoff back in the team for the second test have been boosted by the news that he could be out of action for a further two weeks." er, the second test starts in 10 days, guys. Maybe aliens stole their diary too.
The ICC and the ACC have, to a man, flatly refuted the claim that Bangladesh are to lose their test status. That should come as a relief to everyone - especially Zimbabwe. It's taken a special effort on their part to lift themselves above the bottom rung. The only thing which puzzles me - according to Neil Pickup's CW world rankings, Bangladesh have 27 points. Surely those should have been awarded to the weather?
Dear Diary :
I've just noticed. There's a page missing from my diary. Honestly, there is NO Sunday, 25 May 2003. There used to be, I'm sure (although it could explain why the diary was in the 'bargain bin' at the bookstore when I bought it). What is more, I was sure that I wrote something in it yesterday, but my mind is a little fuzzy this morning. It's almost as though a whole portion of my life has been cut out and thrown away. I can't even remember what happened yesterday (although alcohol would normally have something to do with that).
The last thing I can remember was sitting down in front of the television yesterday afternoon to watch the feed from Trinidad as Australia cruised to their 22nd One Day International victory in succession. I had my diary with me, I was there, poised, ready to record the key points, pen in one hand, glass of whisky in the other and then....... nothing.
Examining the diary, I notice that there appears to be the tattered remnants of a page between Saturday the 24th and this one, so what could possibly have happened?
There are only three possibilities :
1. Australia lost, Ricky Ponting cannot handle being branded a 'failure' and consequently he has attempted a cover-up by flying to England and ripping the offending page out, also erasing my memory from the past 24 hours.
2. I got drunk
3. Aliens
The first is preposterous (not the fact that Ricky Ponting would go to so much trouble in order to look good - the supposition that the current West Indies side could even come close to ending the run of victories is just silly), the second is unlikely - there is still some whisky left in one of the bottles on the coffee table (after all, when you are legless, the saying "One's not enough, two's nowhere near enough" springs to mind) - so that leaves number 3.
Aliens stole a page from my diary - that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Anyway, back to reality for a while. The run had to come to an end sometime, and yesterday was as good a day as any for it to happen. It'll be a long while before any side ever wins 22 straight. Something remarkable would have to happen - say England play a 22-game series against Bangladesh. It would never happen, though. England would find some excuse to pull out after losing the first dozen.
The Aussies will be back, though. The character in the side is enormous. Their collective heart is nearly as big as Brad Hogg's lip. What happened there? From BAGGY GREEN - "A shot from Andrew Symonds bounced off a post and hit Brad on the lip." Right. That explains why, in the next game (St Lucia), Ponting asked Hogg to bowl and asked him what field he wanted. "Don't care - just as long as Symonds's at short leg." came the chirpy reply.
Some people write any old rubbish in the belief that, if you hit enough keys often enough, you will come up with a story (how else to you think I come up with this column?). I should like to congratulate the CRICINFO staff writers for coming up with the following scoop - England don't want Freddie. I quote "England's hopes of having Andrew Flintoff back in the team for the second test have been boosted by the news that he could be out of action for a further two weeks." er, the second test starts in 10 days, guys. Maybe aliens stole their diary too.
The ICC and the ACC have, to a man, flatly refuted the claim that Bangladesh are to lose their test status. That should come as a relief to everyone - especially Zimbabwe. It's taken a special effort on their part to lift themselves above the bottom rung. The only thing which puzzles me - according to Neil Pickup's CW world rankings, Bangladesh have 27 points. Surely those should have been awarded to the weather?
Neil Pickup
Request Your Custom Title Now!
:Pluckyeddie said:
For all we know, Bangladesh could have won that match...
They were 199 runs behind with 7 second innings wickets left.
(Oh, and Zimbabwe had to bat again)
Maybe not, then, but just maybe
luckyeddie
Cricket Web Staff Member
Tuesday, 27 May, 2003
Dear Diary :
Ajay Jadeja's hopes of making a swift comeback to the game have been dealt a serious blow. The New Delhi High Court have ruled that he cannot play any sort of match for anyone whilst it considers allegations from the BCCI. When told the news Jadeja said "You want to bet? I'll give you even money I'm playing again in three months .... Oops!"
Rameez Raja (yes, he of 'given out obstructing the field whilst on 99' fame), Chief Executive of the Pakistan Cricket Board, yesterday accused the ICC of operating double standards with respect to the punishment meted out to Shoaib Akhtar in comparison to what happened between Glenn McGrath and Ramnaresh Sarwan. Raja said (of the sledging incident) "No action was taken by the match referee or the umpires."
Not quite right, Rameez, but you do have a point. Umpire David Shepherd told them that they were behaving like kids and that they should grow up. They eventually did, and everything ended amicably, but it was pretty dreadful at the time. Furthermore, Malcolm Speed has recognised that the ICC rules only allow him to intervene within 24 hours of an incident taking place - and no-one brought it to his attention until two days later. The ICC are considering changing the rules.
My God!. I have just defended the ICC (a bit). There goes my credibility.
On the Shoaib Akhtar incident, he (Raja) added "Shoaib's action of scratching or cleaning the ball was unfairly interpreted as ball-tampering." Sorry, Rameez. I was with you for a while, but the last statement went over my head. This has left you somewhat open to ridicule, not that I would do anything like that, of course.
In other news, it was revealed by Rameez Raja that, in addition to the Shoaib mishap, the world had placed a totally erroneous interpretation on other famous cricket-related incidents as follows :
1. "Michael Holding has never deliberately kicked down the stumps after an appeal was turned down. He was being plagued by a troublesome wasp at the time. In trying to get rid of the pesky insect, he inadvertantly slipped and trod on the wicket."
2. "Umpire Tony Crafter never had to separate Javed Miandad and Dennis Lillee in 1981. A completely unrelated troublesome wasp had settled on Lillee, and the Pakistani skipper offered to carefully remove it. Lillee, being terrified of insects naturally panicked and whirled around, clenching his fists. Javed was concerned that the insect might get hurt, because it was a family pet belonging to opening bowler Sikander Bakht, and he tried to gently remove it from Mr Lillee's throat with his bat."
3. "The photograph, reputedly taken by Graham Morris and purporting to show Shakoor Rana and Mike Gatting angrily wagging fingers at each other was a clear and wilful misinterpretation of the facts. The pair were happily playing 'Stone Paper Scissors' at the time."
4. "Mike Atherton did not knowingly rub dirt on the ball at Lord's in 1994. He was under the understandable misapprehension that it was a small Bird's Trifle - and that he was sprinkling the enclosed pack of 'Hundreds and Thousands' on the top." Oh, sorry, that wasn't Rameez Raja's explanation. That was Mike Atherton's. My bad.
Dear Diary :
Ajay Jadeja's hopes of making a swift comeback to the game have been dealt a serious blow. The New Delhi High Court have ruled that he cannot play any sort of match for anyone whilst it considers allegations from the BCCI. When told the news Jadeja said "You want to bet? I'll give you even money I'm playing again in three months .... Oops!"
Rameez Raja (yes, he of 'given out obstructing the field whilst on 99' fame), Chief Executive of the Pakistan Cricket Board, yesterday accused the ICC of operating double standards with respect to the punishment meted out to Shoaib Akhtar in comparison to what happened between Glenn McGrath and Ramnaresh Sarwan. Raja said (of the sledging incident) "No action was taken by the match referee or the umpires."
Not quite right, Rameez, but you do have a point. Umpire David Shepherd told them that they were behaving like kids and that they should grow up. They eventually did, and everything ended amicably, but it was pretty dreadful at the time. Furthermore, Malcolm Speed has recognised that the ICC rules only allow him to intervene within 24 hours of an incident taking place - and no-one brought it to his attention until two days later. The ICC are considering changing the rules.
My God!. I have just defended the ICC (a bit). There goes my credibility.
On the Shoaib Akhtar incident, he (Raja) added "Shoaib's action of scratching or cleaning the ball was unfairly interpreted as ball-tampering." Sorry, Rameez. I was with you for a while, but the last statement went over my head. This has left you somewhat open to ridicule, not that I would do anything like that, of course.
In other news, it was revealed by Rameez Raja that, in addition to the Shoaib mishap, the world had placed a totally erroneous interpretation on other famous cricket-related incidents as follows :
1. "Michael Holding has never deliberately kicked down the stumps after an appeal was turned down. He was being plagued by a troublesome wasp at the time. In trying to get rid of the pesky insect, he inadvertantly slipped and trod on the wicket."
2. "Umpire Tony Crafter never had to separate Javed Miandad and Dennis Lillee in 1981. A completely unrelated troublesome wasp had settled on Lillee, and the Pakistani skipper offered to carefully remove it. Lillee, being terrified of insects naturally panicked and whirled around, clenching his fists. Javed was concerned that the insect might get hurt, because it was a family pet belonging to opening bowler Sikander Bakht, and he tried to gently remove it from Mr Lillee's throat with his bat."
3. "The photograph, reputedly taken by Graham Morris and purporting to show Shakoor Rana and Mike Gatting angrily wagging fingers at each other was a clear and wilful misinterpretation of the facts. The pair were happily playing 'Stone Paper Scissors' at the time."
4. "Mike Atherton did not knowingly rub dirt on the ball at Lord's in 1994. He was under the understandable misapprehension that it was a small Bird's Trifle - and that he was sprinkling the enclosed pack of 'Hundreds and Thousands' on the top." Oh, sorry, that wasn't Rameez Raja's explanation. That was Mike Atherton's. My bad.
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Mr Mxyzptlk
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Two in a day? Outstanding.
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