In seriousness though...
In my opinion...
Because he was and is a very one dimensional cricketer and it is arguable if he was the (2nd) best at even that dimension. Wasn't a great fielder, not much of a leader/captain and in terms of match-winning or turning knocks his probably don't list very highly.
I really find it hard to fathom that he gets in the top 5 ahead of Warne, Marshall, Murali, Richards, and quite a few others. He was great at what he did but he rarely transcended the game IMO to be in the top echelon of players. If he ended up second and ahead of Imran and Sobers...then I'd be at a loss for words.
I really find it hard to fathom that you find it so hard to fathom that Tendulkar could be in someone's top 5.
The justification for Warne et.al. can apply equally to a dozen and more of other cricketers including Tendulkar. I could mention the fact that Tendulkar owns every batting record today, performed for over 2 decades remaining among the top 5-6 batsmen for most of this period, inspired an entire generation and more, was a top performer in days Gooch and Boon, and is a top performer in days of Clarke and Cook etc. But that's not what I am going to do as I did not have him in top 5 myself, possibly for some of the reasons that you yourself mentioned.
However, I find the certainty and authority with which you summarily rule out any possible argument to include Tendulkar in top 5 quite amusing. It's also a curious thing that you single out Tendulkar for that sort of assessment. It's not as if you are advocating a strictly stats/facts based evaluation either, like PEWS does. You are leaving enough room for subjectivity, influence, intangibles etc. One can make a completely stats/facts based argument and also talk about the intangibles for Tendulkar perfectly well. On the other hand for some others it would be possible to justify a next-only-to-bradman status only on intangibles.
In that sense I think there is a very, very long list of cricketers who can be considered eligible for next-only-to-bradman. This includes someone like Lillee too who I didn't even have in my 25, but I totally get the rationale that someone will like to use to put him at #2.
I just find your arguments a result of a deep seated bias or dislike for Tendulkar or his stardom, deny it as much as you like.