Broncomans tour of T&T - The inside story from the man himself!

[Simon]

Entry 1 - The Team

Before i start, i want everyone to know that i think im a superstar
trapped in the body of a pathetic excuse of a cricketer. In fact im so
good the cricketweb XI board have decided to ship a few of my mates
off to Trinidad and Tobago to play a few games.
While the games arent considered Frist Class games im looking foward
to being an exceptional performer and once again prove the the world
just how good I am!

While I understand that I am quite clearly the best player in the team,
theres a couple of guys that go alright to. Firstly theres my good
mate Samuel Vimes, a fairly handy batsman who is better known for his
wicketkeeping. A fellow Cricketweb XI player but quite clearly not
blessed with the natrual abilty that was given to me at birth!
Although the side has been together only a few days Sam was given the
honour of recieving the first nickname. "Bill" named after Bill Lawry
for his less than extravagant batting style was at first very
disapointed to be handed such a name, but hes growing used to it and
by the time our stay with the side is over it should have stuck!

Another of my team mates is John Davison, the Canadian international
is growing a real repuation for playing in all different parts of the
world. We expect he will be the lynch pin of the side and dominate
with bat and ball. A couple of the other blokes with international
experience are Ravi Rampaul and Venkatesh Prasad.

At first we were all excited that Prasad was coming to play with us
here in T&T, that was until we realised that Venkatesh Prasad and
Javagal Srinath are completely different people. Imagine our surprise
when the big fella came steaming into the crease during the first
training session only to bowl what seemed to be a very straight off
spinner, we are certain this so called fast bowler in fact never
played test cricket, i think i saw Bill rowling his arm over a bit
quicker than Venkatesh was!

The Full squad for the next 9 matches is as follows:
Imran Jan
Samuel Vimes
Broncoman
Lendl Simmons
John Davison
Jaffar Mohammed
Michael Kanhai
Dave Mohammed
Ravi Rampaul
Taubesh Samaroo
Venkatesh Persad
Avishka Seemungul
Sherwin Suwa
Arthus Mandel
Carter Poper
Lionel Bibb

One of my favourite players in the squad has to be Michael "Rusty"
Kanhai. Named Rusty after seeing him batting, it reminded me of a rusty
gate swinging in the wind. The kid can hit a ball thats for sure. Unfortunately only when hes playing golf! Who knows, we may get a score or two out of him before my stint here is over.
I must say im also coming around to our little chubby offspiner Lionel Bibb. A hero in these parts, once ate a world record 39 donuts during the lunch break of a league match and followed that up with a run a ball century, ive seen this guy play cricket and the only part of that i believe is that its more likely to be a century of donuts at lunch!

Its going to be an enjoyable time here thats for sure, some of these guys can really play cricket, others im not so sure about, me and Billy may even be able to teach these guys a thing or two about the game while we are here.

Next entry will have an indepth report of the game and a few of the players reactions to having the worlds finest opening batsman in test cricket playing in their side.

 

[Simon]

Entry 2 - The First Game

Well the big day arrived, here I was, a world class test batsman playing club cricket in Trinidad and Tobago, what was I doing here? Then it struck me, i need to get some runs, some way, some how! I was so keen to get stuck in i turned up to the ground with the pads on ready to go, then the news of the toss came through, WE WERE BOWLING!I was furious, until a closer inspection of the "pitch" revealed that batting wasnt the smartest thing to be doing.

Even before the warm up had started there was news that would send shockwaves through the Toco Flashes camp, Venkatesh Prasad had forgotten how to bowl! So with that good news James Anderson was brought in as his replacement.

The clock (the one that was working) struck 10am and we were ready to play, Samuel "Billy" Vimes standing next to me with the gloves on, i was ready to have a quiet day in the slips, Anderson with the shinny new pill in his left hand ready to go. Thunderbirds opener Xavier Marshall was on strike and the most interesting period of my illustrious cricketing career was about to begin.

The first session of the game went without major incident, except for the moment where I feel asleep in the slips between balls, i was promptly shifted to deep 3rd man to sign a few autographs for the kids. The mud patch that is the wicket here in Toco gave few surprises on the opening morning. At 107/1 we were starting to question the captains decision to bowl first. As a well respected test cricketer i feel i should have been consulted before a major decision like bowling first was made. Unfortunately turning up 45 minutes after the toss didnt help my cause.

Lionel "Chubbs" Bibb, crushed Thunderbirds middle order. While only taking 2 wickers, he went for barely 1 run per over. Fortunately for he big guy he didnt have to do too much running of his own either. Dave Mohammed grabbed 3 wickets of his own as we had the Powderpuff Girls (thanks to Billy for that one) dismissed for only 237. A handy score on this deck, but really the type of batsman i am we should lead by lunch tomorrow.

We made 309, a rather mediocre score as the match heads for a draw, i made an extremely impressive 19 from 92 balls. Although 19 doesnt sound like much credit must go to the umpires for allowing the bowlers to bowl 6 bouncers an over. Eventually i decided it was time for someone else to have a hit, so after a patient dig i gave it away for the team. Samuel Vimes played a rather poor shot under the circumstances, he gave his wicket away for the team, simply not good enough at this high level of cricket. A disapointing 11 for him. But stars of the innings were Chubbs (73) and Lendal "Simmo" Simmons (66). Neither looked all that comfortable at the crease, but took advantage of the pathetic change bowlers.

The second innings was much of the same, The Powderpuffs managed 226 and for some reason (my average) we decided to have a crack at chasing the 155 from 5 overs we needed to take outright points. We narrowly missed out on that target finishing at 0/19. With my 9 not out being the obvious highlight of the match, which included one spectacular cover driver that will be played on TV screens across the world for years to come.

A drawn match, you cant really complain.

The next entry will be the reactions to our first match....

 

[Mr Mxyzptlk]

Very interesting and entertaining. Keep it up. I look forward to reading more of your tales.

Note that the Toco James Anderson is not the England international. He's a 45-year-old Englishman from Guildford who happens to have a passion for doing weird stuff with his hair. He is, however, a fast bowler - clocks around 98 mph regularly. He ate his vegetables when he was younger.

 

[ash chaulk]

please dont call my team powderpuff girls

 

[Simon]

please dont call my team powderpuff girls

it was samuel, not me

 

[Nate]

haha a great read there...

 

[ash chaulk]

samuel please dont call my team powderpuff girls

 

[Simon]

Entry 3 - Reactions to the first match

With the match only being played over 3 days a draw is the most likely result. Of course thats how our first game finished. We dominated both innings and have the game gone to a 4th day we would have no doubt won convincingly. While there werw a couple of blokes who surprised me, Chubbs, esceptional all round performance topping that list, a few of the guys simply didnt put in, i thought id get a couple of the guys reactions to the game as well as their feelings of having 2 of Cricketwebs finest players lining up for them.

Broncoman: Well Chubbs, you certainly surprised me with your performance in that game, is this one of your finest games in your long career?
Lionel: I enjoyed the match thats for sure, but the ordinary bowling certainly played a large part in my score. I also noticed you didnt score heavily broncoman, how does that make you feel.
Broncoman: I'm jeg lagged. ill carve up next game.

Broncoman: Amit my good man, i want your reactions on this game...
Amit Jaggernauth: well i thought we played quite well, im a bit disapointed in the umpiring though, i quite clearly had a number of LBW decisions go against me. I can tell you im not happy!
Broncoman: woah, big call, i thought the men in the middle did a decent job, except for their inability to judge a wide.
Amit Jaggernauth: I think the biggest problem was your inability to hit a ball broncoman.

Broncoman: Samuel, well here we are in the windies, what do you make of this place?
Samuel Vimes: Its a dump and these guys cant play cricket.
Broncoman: well maybe they arent as good as us, but they all go ok, i mean neither of us did much.
Samuel Vimes: i did plenty thank you, i got cramp in my hands from signing autographs!
Broncoman: yeh i know how you feel, we may have to start charging money for them.
Samuel Vimes: ill see what i can arrange.

Broncoman: well coach, it must be a big thrill for the team to have current internationals in the squad for the next month?
Coach: Yeh its super. the guys have lifted since you and sam have been here, i havent seen chubbs play an inning like that since the local bakery opened, he looked like he was really enjoying himself out there
Coach: as for you broncoman i was disapointed with your batting performance in the game, except thart cover drive in the 2nd dig was a pearler!
broncoman: yeh it was fantastic wasnt it, you should see a few more in the 40 over game.

 

[marc71178]

Samuel Vines: i did plenty thank you, i got crap in my hands from signing autographs!

What on Earth did he use to sign the autographs?!

 

[bugssy]

What on Earth did he use to sign the autographs?!

hahahahahahahahaha

yer what where you using mate!

 

[Simon]

id like to answer, but unless sam can tell you i guess its going to be a mystery forever.

 

[Simon]

Entry 4 - The Second Game

Well we are finally ready to play some good cricket for the fans, that boring three day stuff is over and one day cricket is about to start. 40 overs a side should make for a good close game. Im actually a bit nervous about this game, its my first game of one day cricket at any level in over a year and my quest to rejoin the successful Cricketweb XI one day team begins now.

Cant really complain about todays pitch, only because they refused to let us see it before the toss! So with this in mind bowling first wasnt a bad situation to be in. Some good news this morning with Venkatesh making himself available to play, he should improve our pathetic bowling attack just a little bit. I'll be having words to the captain to ensure i get a bowl today and if our front liners perform like they did in the 3 day game i think we could see samuel make a rare appearance at the bowling crease!

Venky took the new ball with some success. He managed 1/22 from his lone spell of 7 overs. The Big fella really looked wrecked after that spell and i dont think we will be seeing much of him for the rest of the tour, mainly because he was pushed out of the back of the team bus.
The bowlers indeed did a very good job to resctrict the Thunderbirds to a medicore score of 8/164 from their 40 overs.

Highlights of the innings included a spectacular catch by yours trully at backward point. The thing that made this catch so good was the fact I was
asleep until the cry of "CAAAAAAAAAAAATCH" came out, a full length dive to the left followed and it stuck magnificantly.

Another of the highlights was the spell bowled by that man broncoman. Many of the well respected journalists at the ground noted it could have quite possibly been the best spell of one day bowling sent down for the Toco Flashes. 1/4 off 2 overs at a crucial stage of the game really swung it in our favour, im not expecting to shoot right up the PwC all rounders rankings.

Our chase was pretty easy to be honest. With players in the class of my good self we wouldnt expect anything different. Samuel "Bill Lawry" Vimes lived up to his nickname by scoring a painfully slow 32 runs. In fact he hit only 1 four in his 71 balls at the crease.
I didnt fair any better myself scoring only 4 runs. Most of the other guys were amongst the runs, Rusty, another to live up to his nickname
guided us home with 34 not out including 7 beautiful fours.

Well after another poor showing with the bat im expecting the local media to have a field day. Im getting quite used to being critised for my poor and slow batting, but ive learnt to deal with it. I am really disapointed with own personal performance, but i shouldnt have expected too much being my first 1 day game in so long. But good for the team to get a win.

Next Entry will be about our 3rd game and a few more interviews with the guys.

 

[Simon]

Entry 5 - Broncoman accused of racist remarks!!

I was awoken by a phone call at 4.30 this morning with a news report from Australia. I was shocked to discover that Thunderbirds bowler Rondell Lochan had made a complaint against me for racisim! I was speechless. I am a firm believer that racist remarks have no place on the cricket field and are best left to the sound proof walls of the dressing rooms.

This So called journalist from Australia, who refused to name himself had been given a tip that Rondell Lochan had me caught in the slips for just 4 i said something i shouldnt have. Its a well known fact that this type of thing isnt in my nature and i hold no anger towards any person because of their skin colour or their background. That is unless they are a kiwi.

Some people may remember the work i did with those homeless children in pakistan during the Asian Test championships. I love every single one of gods creatures, but thats still being investigated, im confident of getting found not guilty though. But the fact is that while i was there i took time out of own busy schedule to have a game of cricket on the street with those kids, they had the time of their lives, that was until i hit their only cricket ball into the sewers and now they cant play.

As far as im concerned this journalist has no creditability to me because i find it impossible that Rondell Lochan could have made such an accusation against me, HE CANT SPEAK ENGLISH. I know this for sure, because of the times i was trying to use my world famous sledges, he didnt move an eyelid, otherwise he would have been out pretty quick smart.

I will keep you all inform of developments as they come to hand...

 

[Simon]

Entry 6 - The Third Game

Its days like these that the word retirement pops into your head. The media are on a witch hunt, the runs arent coming, you are a long way from home and have nothing to look foward to. Of course im use to rumours of my private life popping up, ive put the whole racisim saga behind me and looking foward to winning some games for Toco. unfortunately thats not happening either now.

Todays a match, another 40 over game at home against the Pos Porters. Quite frankly they are pathetic and should pose little trouble. Things didnt quite go so well, they put us in on a belter of a deck. Bill opening u with Imran Jan, fellow CWXI player Xavier Rose took the new ball and didnt look back. He claimed 4 great wickets, including that of one Samuel Vimes. Samuel's 14 from 15 balls was better than the score suggests, he looks set for a big innings very soon.

The same cannot be said for my good self. 12 from 22 today and no sign of form. Its really disapointing to commit yourself to playing in a place like this and not perform. In all honesty i am an exceptional cricketer that should be peeling off century after century, rather than fielding questions from the media about my embarassing form. That R word keeps popping up, but the only think to do is hope against hope that the Cricketweb XI didnt see that shot i played to get out today!

We struggled through to be all out for 171 in the last over, Immy (Imran Jan) made a solid half century, but no one else managed anything. Xavier Rose was outstanding with the ball, dismissing really poor batsman to make his 4 wickets look better than they actually were. Canadian/Australia John Davison, whos actually starting to annoy me with his ego, this simply no room for that in a cricket team, made 34 today, but he may miss training tomorrow after being hit by a stray stump while "kitting up" in the dressing room.

Well a pretty dour affair turned into a classic! we won by a run with a sensational last 3 overs saw us conceede only 11 runs. Vimes got Rose back by taking a great catch to dismiss the tailender off that man Davison for only 5. He really is letting down the CWXI name here in the Windies at the moment. Billy also took a good catch to dismiss Fyver Deo. Of course the bowling was the main contributor to the wicket. I certainly enjoyed it thats for sure, a brilliant slower ball and the batsman had no idea! i finished with figures of 1/18 from 5 overs. Another brilliant display of bowling from an international class cricketer.

Next entry will include our next match and some reaction to the recent shocking news that has ingulfed the cricketing world.

 

[Simon]

just to let you know i am not at home tonight, but i will be doing a couple more entries tomorrow to catch up, hope everyone is enjoying them

 

[AUST_HiTMaN]

just to let you know i am not at home tonight, but i will be doing a couple more entries tomorrow to catch up, hope everyone is enjoying them

Yep keep em up Simon, they are good reads.

 

[Simon]

Entry 7 - The Fourth Game

Back to the three day stuff today, i feel pretty good, the allegations against me have been dropped, fortunately the comment i made while i was walking off the field was picked up in the stump microphone and you can clearly hear me say "oh look at that black cat" as i was pointing to a cat just to the side of the grandstand next to the fielders head.
Anyway onto the cricket.

Again the chances of getting a result in this three day game are about the same as me being Prime Minister of Australia! so with a draw in mind who could refuse the odds of 3/1 on the result? Not me thats for sure!
For some reason we chose to bad on a pretty poor deck and after i crushed a couple of poor ball to the boundaries i was ready to pull up the chair and spend the rest of the afternoon watching. My opening partner Imran Jan again was among the runs, making a useful 66. I swear this guy gets bowled pies all day and i get out to bowling not seen in the Windies since the early Eighties!

We made 220, Billy looked good again and i feel a big score his coming for him, a quick fire 38 ment that a result other than a draw is a real chance now. ill see how slowly i can score in the second innings.

The Pirates first innings was a long boring day and a half of my life id like to have back, a lot like my first marridge in many ways, but after scoring at around 3 an over they were finally dismissed on day two for 335, meaning we would have to bat well to get the game out of their reach. Chubbs Bibb again did a great job with the ball taking 4 wickets, i can see why everyone he loves the litte guy, hes a real charachter, never short of a joke, thats why i was so surprised he went right off when i put deep heat in his protector, hopefully hes ok to play tomorrow. I was only given 1 over which id funnily enough like to forget.

We did enough late on day two to make sure this match was a draw, Immy pleasing me with his 11 from 60 balls a fine dig under the circumstances. My first glimpse of form came in this innings too. 39 from 56 balls with 8 boundaries and given out to what can only be described as the worst umpiring decision in the history of cricket.
I've pretty much hooked a ball to backward square leg and been given out LBW. But thats umpiring for you, I just hope he has car insurance. Samuel looked uncomfortable and was out pretty quickly for just 9.
Mr Ego himself John Davison pleased the crows again with his hollywood hairstyles and his beautiful women and had then decided to hog the show by making a well ompiled 46, i honestly dont know how this guy has any friends!

We let the Pirates have an over at the end, all's it did was add another catch to Vimes' tally as they finished 1/0 and the match was drawn. A good game as i feel everyones a winner, the crowd saw some good cricket, i won a bit of cash, Davo scored again and Vimes looked like hes going to score some runs soon.
The only loser Immy who missed the team bus and had to walk back to the hotel.

Next entry will be the next match, i think!

 

[Simon]

Entry 8 - The Fifth Game

Another pointless three day game today, although the runs arent coming im enjoying my time here. Being away from the spotlight is helping me improve as a person i think, ive always been too critical of myself, but i think since ive been here ive learnt to accept that im an exceptional cricketer. Well enough about me the team is playing pretty well, havent looked like losing really, but winning and losing isnt all that matters in these games, its how much money you make.

Like the previous match we batted first and again, Imran Jan was the only one to make an impact, he made 94 of our 162 runs! 21 boundaries came as expected, the big name doesnt like his running and at our small home ground he certainly plays his best cricket. Our total was rather poor i made a measley 6 runs while Samuel made just 1. Its a shame he seems to have missed the boat on a big score. Simmo grabbed 27 as he was the only other player to make double figures. On this deck and some poor batting expected we could finally see a result in a three day game!

A very good bowling effort from the boys saw us dismiss Marabella for 211. They made tough work of it meaning a draw is again on the cards. Im finding it very hard to get motivated in the field, the batsman here are just pathetic and bowling isnt much better, no wonder west indian cricket is going up the creek. Again i got just 1 over, and again i got smashed! Chubbs Bibb, well what can you say? another 3 wickets, the guy looks like the should be working in the scoreboard, not starring in the team! Dave Mohammed's bowling was as tight as he is when it comes to paying for lunch, 2/13 from 14 overs. Vimes with 2 more impressive catches.

An excellent 2nd innings. I finally made some runs. 51 from 65 balls, i felt fantastic at the wicket for the first time in a very long time. I know i was set for a century until the umpire got confused with his signals, while attempting to call a wide he gave me out LBW. I took the decision like any international cricketer would. so 15 minutes later after being ******ed from the crease by security the game was set to recommence. Billy made a bore a minute 45 until he thankfully got out so we could see come exciting cricket. Dave Mohammed smashed 72 and is turning into some what of an all rounder. I think he was still upset i refused to buy him lunch after not paying me back the $1.50 he owed me. 237 we finished on and the game was about to be
called a draw.

It was exactly that after 55 overs. The appropriatley renamed Smellabella finished 2/160. I was happy to be brought on first change, but again only got 1 over. 11 runs i went for this time. i may as well just give up bowling!

Next entry will be the next game, probably!

 

[Simon]

Entry 9 - The Sixth Game

Yawn, another three day game, another draw on the horizion. But im not here to get results, im here because its what the people want. A lesser man would have thrown the towel in a long time ago and stormed off back home, but ive stuck around and got a good innings in during the last game, hopefully i can continue my good form and get some more runs in this game.

Chubbs is over the little protector incident and me and dave M are talking again, so team morale is high and the big guns are in form. Of course JD (John Davison) still gets first pick of seat on the team bus, but thats to be expected, he needs a seat where the sun can dry his hair through the window. As you would imagine hes still not all that popular, ive had a few words to the captain to stick him at short leg for a while during this game.

Anyway onto the cricket. Once again we are batting first on a suspect pitch, seems we are doing our best to get a result by trying to lose! The day started brilliantly with Immy smashing Xavier Rose back over his head first ball for 4, unfortunately his luck ran out next ball when he was bowled by Rose trying to repeat the feat. I didnt last much longer, back in poor form with a scratchy 11. Rusty only made 1 and he must seriously be considering his future at this level of cricket. You cant afford to go out and swing and hope to get anywhere, he was disapointed with that dig, but not as much asi was after i took long odds on him top scoring for us.

Now for the innings of the tour so far. Samuel "Gilchrist" Vimes! 124 from 122 balls. Where did this dig come from! He blasted the bowlers to all corners of the ground, hitting 27 fours in his super dig. While some of the credit must go to Sam for his innings id like to take at least 70% of it. I feel my ribbing of him for his slow batting spurred on him to do better and as such the runs came, ill be making sure im considered a large part of his performance.We finished with 285, a good score on this mud patch.

A close game, which was going to finish in a draw was anticipated after Pos' first innings, after my recent poor bowling efforts i have been held back from bowling at the moment, but not to worry, one of the guys will throw me the ball when the skip isnt looking. We bowled them out for 281, Juggers grabbed a 5 fer, JD stopped brushing his hair lon enough to chip in wih a couple, while Dave M was as tight as ever in gaining his wickets. Vimes added a catch and a stumping to his tally.

Our second innings started well, I was first out for a quickfire 42 from 47 balls, 10 fours in my innings really suggests i cant be bothered running at the moment, unless the bar is about to close that is. Sam coulnt continue his top form and made just 4, but after his first innings dig, who cares! Rusty Kahnai stopped swinging for a while until the little voice inside his head told him it was time to go and he was caught on the boundary. 210 was a good enough score to ensure yet another draw. CWxi player bluefox impressed again with 1/14 from 10 overs.

Again, i was given just 1 over in the innings, but it was full of class, swing, pace and that was just the first ball. finished with impressive figures of 0/4 from that 1 over. 2/145 they finished with, a well deserved draw.

Well done to Samuel Vimes on scoring a brilliant century, it was a joy to watch, and who knows, if that form continues, his nickname of Gilchrist could stick!

Next entry will be the game and look out for my special interview with team "mate" John Davison.

 

[Magrat Garlick]

LOL!

Gilly ain't that far away from Billy, is it?