2-2
In the runs: Ricky, as he bloody well always does - will get a stack of runs against us, but only once go on to make a face-in-the dirt epic. Hussey will score more runs than most of the world seem to think, whilst everyone else in the Aussie line up will flatter to deceive. For England, the top order will continue to misfire and Matt Prior will come through on the rails to top the runscorers list.
Wicket Takers: On the grounds that our seamers are way too inconsistent over the course of the five Tests, I have to go for Swanny to top the tally. For the convicts, Hilfenhaus will work his arse off all series, but consistently bowl half a yard too short to get anyone out (let me be the first person ever to compare him to Corey Collymore), whilst Mitch will somehow contrive to top the lists having sent down his usual mish-mash of jaffas and ****e.
Dumpings: Kevin Pietersen will find himself on the outer by the time my plane lands in Melbourne having failed to cross fifty all tour. Eoin Morgan will then come in and make a century in his first knock, before failing to make double figures in either subsequent innings and being nicknamed "Northy", who retains his Baggy Green due to the fact that he has some unbelievably compromising photos of Jamie Cox and Mitchell Johnson's mum.
New Blood: Tremlett will almost certainly play a Test match when one of our pace attack breaks in half: and it wouldn't surprise me to see Shahzad wheeled in from Perth when another leg falls off. Khawaja appears to deserve a crack for the Aussies, but I expect to see Steve Smith play more often than Haley Joel Hauritz.
WTF: an injury to Matt Prior means I need to take the gloves for the final glorious session at Sydney. Back in reality, Tremlett retains his place having come in for whoever ends up injured. North to make one score between 30 and 80 and stun us all.
You didn't say who got our runs.
