Hi,
Sorry I've been incommunicado for the last week or so, I've been convalescing after a run-in on my local train station, with a group of men, one of whom it transpires, was an off-duty copper.
I'd been at cricket training, and then for a few pints afterwards, and ended up getting back to my local station a tad later than I'd intended. The Mrs. Took umbrage with my tardy time-keeping, and refused to come and pick me up, so I had the bright idea of going back into town, where my mates were still in the pub on the lash! - And that's where my problems started.
Rather unreasonably, I approached a group of blokes, and asked them if they knew how I got over the other side of the station, in order to catch the east-bound train. Their totally friendly and rational response was:
"DER! Over the bridge!"
At this stage I was beginning to lose my temper a bit, so I replied,
"State the ****ing obvious! I'm blind, what's your excuse wanker?"
Despite, in his statement, claiming he and his three mates didn't realise I was blind, I suspect this maybe a fib, as they then kindly thrust their fists into my face, allowing me to inspect their signet and wedding rings at closer quarters. By now I'd
Figured that this could be a good opportunity for a quick kip, so - Totally of my own fruition - I lay down in the foetal position on the platform and opted to lose consciousness.
Well obviously my four new friends were quite concerned that I'd miss my train, so to save me the trouble of waking up, getting up and walking over the bridge, they attempted to transport me to the other side of the station, via their police-patented Dr.Martin conveyancing system. Unfortunately their boots didn't quite have the requisite range, so I landed short…In the middle of the tracks to be precise! But at least the sudden jolt did rouse me from my slumber, allowing me to crawl on hands and knees to the side, and slowly haul myself back up onto the platform. But all's well that ends well, and I walked away with just bruised ribs, a mildly damaged disc in my back, a broken finger and an array of cuts and bruises.
I'd have liked to have thanked them for all their help, but when I managed to get to my feet, they'd had to leave, doubtless to assist some other needy member of society. So my wife, who I've often suspected of being a clairvoyant, came up with the fantastic idea of calling the police! Sadly this is where the tale takes a darker twist. For ten days they searched high and low for my friends, until, this morning I got a phone-call requesting that I attend the police station at my earliest convenience - Which I duly did!
The spookiest thing happened then. I was hauled into an interview room, to be told that my version of events differed somewhat from those of my alleged attackers, the nice policeman and his friends, who'd almost certainly come forward to claim their Community Action Trust reward for work with the disabled. They recollected that I'd approached them in an aggressive manner, demanding to be shown over to the other side of the station. They requested that I leave them alone, and when I turned around to walk off, I stepped, backwards, off the platform, simultaneously injuring my face and my back. I was invited to alter my statement, and when I declined, I was told that, not only did they dispute my account, but that they were also going to prosecute me for perverting the course of justice!...Oh, and did I want a solicitor?…They're free apparently!
After an hour of this, their better nature shone through, and I was allowed to leave after receiving a caution for the lesser charge of wasting police time! Well, I was so overcome by their generosity, that I offered to make an £80 donation to police funds, in return for which I was presented with a delightful limited-addition Fixed Penalty Notice!
British police hey!...Don't you just love'um? Robert Mugabe eat your heart out!
Anyway, away from all that, it's been an altogether sunnier time in the world of BT. The Gurs have returned to form, winning three on the bounce in the league, to leave us third, eight points behind the leaders with the second best NRR in the league and games against the top two still to come. I'm also owning my friendly league, beating two of the three pre-tournament favourites in my first two matches. I'm hoping that I can finally win this competition, in order to allow me to defect to the CW Cup next season. Ratings are beginning to look a bit tasty too, posting PAN stats of Sup/Comp/Abs - Resp/Prof/Feeb last Friday.
Oh, and four useful pops this morning: Greening to Feeb Exp, (after reaching 2000 career runs on Friday), Noon to Strong WK and Sup Conc, and Zonke to Prof Bowl. Greening also became my first player to break the 30K BTR mark.
Doug Greening (334385)
RH Batsman, RF Bowler, superb batting form, superb bowling form, energetic
A steady player with feeble leadership skills and feeble experience.
Plays For: Cymru Gurgitaters
Nationality: England
Age: 21 Years Old
Battrick Rating: 30,467 (+566)
Wages: £8,406 p/w
*Stamina: competent Wicket Keeping: feeble
Batting: remarkable Concentration: proficient
Bowling: abysmal Consistency: feeble
Fielding: proficient
Joe Noon (444923)
RH Batsman, RM Bowler, superb batting form, superb bowling form, energetic
A steady player with respectable leadership skills and woeful experience.
Plays For: Cymru Gurgitaters
Nationality: England
Age: 21 Years Old
Battrick Rating: 26,692 (+855)
Wages: £3,034 p/w
Stamina: respectable Wicket Keeping: strong
Batting: strong Concentration: superb
Bowling: worthless Consistency: mediocre
Fielding: worthless
Glen Zonke (934691)
RH Batsman, RF Bowler, mediocre batting form, superb bowling form, sublime
A destructive player with abysmal leadership skills and abysmal experience.
Plays For: Cymru Gurgitaters
Nationality: New Zealand
Age: 18 Years Old
Battrick Rating: 7,077 (+268)
Wages: £899 p/w
Stamina: woeful Wicket Keeping: mediocre
Batting: worthless Concentration: worthless
Bowling: proficient Consistency: feeble
Fielding: mediocre
Greening I'll keep on two batting for the rest of this season and next, then one net indefinitely - He could quite possibly make exqu or Mast by his mid twenties. Noon I hope to get to Qual/Wond Bat, Qual WK, which should take me up until the end of next season, when I'll call it a day on him. Zonke I've transfer listed for £800K, probably a bit steep but stranger things have happened. I did really like the look of him as a 17YO Resp/Feeb, I was drawn in by the fact that he's fast and Dest, and his Med Field. But on reflection he just needs far too much doing to him, and I don't have the nets spare, so I'll get what I can for him and sit on the profit, which should be quite healthy considering I only paid £225K for him.
Later, Trev