Round 1, Battle 13
Inb4 the "x shouldn't be in this because he could bat a bit" posts.
Ravi Shastri (India)
Crimes:
- Stonewaller, petulant little turdwipe on and off-field
-
Currently paid 3.6 crore rupees (about $650k US) to fellate the BCCI on Sky
- Retired from international cricket at age 30 to do so
-
DRS sucks, Nasser, you just hate India because you're jelly
- Ranatunga's wingman on the
chucker-callers-are-racist meme
- Impotent; needed 18 years of marriage to conceive first child
- Almost getting Warnie perma-dropped on debut
"These days, just hearing him commentate you can tell Shastri is very important because it is impossible to work out if he is actually any good." - The Guardian
"They are jealous about the fact that India are world champions. They are jealous because of the money being made by the Indian cricket board. The bottom line is that [England] have never been bloody No. 1 in the world in Test cricket. So don't criticise unless you have been there and know." - Shastri earns his 36 million rupees
"Your last game was a good tight game against...whom did you beat?" - Shastri while interviewing Tendulkar
Greg Chappell (Australia)
Sachin finds your lack of faith disturbing.
Crimes:
- Dropping Simon Katich
- Oversaw death throes of the 'Ugly Australians', ushering in the '**** Australians'
- Picker-and-chooser of overseas tours
- High-ranking Packerlyte in WSC
-
50 Shades of Greg
-
What's an underarm between brothers?
-
Getting banned from the Australian dressing room
- Worst coach of India since the last one
"The thing (with Chappell) was that whatever you shared with him, it was promptly disclosed to the media and selectors. He hurt the trust." - Virender Sehwag
"No, Greg, no, you can't do that!" - Brother Ian commentating just before the underarm
"An act of cowardice appropriate to a team playing in yellow." - NZ PM Robert Muldoon after the underarm game
"Ignore him, Greg, he's just the dickhead who says what everyone else is thinking." - A club president comforts Chappell after he was heckled at an after-dinner speech
Brian Lara (West Indies)
Crimes:
- Impulsive prima donna
- Selective walker
- Captaincy record of 10W-26L-11D from 47 Tests (55.3% losses)
- Walking out on a Test series because of a sponsorship deal
- Having a
jail and a
death-trap cancer clinic named after him
-
Accused of match-fixing?
-
Dismissed by a girl
"It seemed an alien took control of his being." - Steve Waugh on an almost onfield fight with Lara
"It was a shocking decision. Being captain of West Indies is a huge honour and a huge job. It needs a big man to do it, someone well-rounded as an individual. Brian Lara is not. He's a spoilt child." - Michael Holding
"One cannot picture a Clive Lloyd or a Frank Worrell, although men of different temperaments, not exerting their full moral authority to keep the team in line. It is clear that Brian Lara does not possess like qualities." - The Jamaica Gleaner
Superb.
