England on the march
Wednesday, October 22 2003
Clarkewatch, Dateline 21 October, 2003
Venue : Bangabandhu National Stadium, Dhaka
Event : First Test Match, Bangladesh v England
With the retirement of Alec Stewart, a huge hole appears in the English middle order. Working on the premise "It takes one to know one", the ECB selectors have selected another huge Surrey hole whole-hearted player to take his place.
The 'Future of English Cricket' made his full test debut today, a mere 1848 days after his 17th birthday, and it wasn't long before he made his inimitable mark on proceedings. The Orsett-born youngster, already the possessor of mighty one-day averages of 16 for bowling and 37.66 for batting (or is it the other way around?) saw his chance to barge Ashley Giles out of the way at gulley to snaffle a chance offered by Javed Omar off the bowling of Stephen Wayward-Harmison.
The resultant roar echoed around the deserted stadium, soon to be renamed Bangaclarkie National Stadium, matched only by the Harmisonics of the successful bowler, the echoes of which can safely be said to usher in a whole new era in English cricket or something.
If the remainder of the match is anything like the first day, everyone will be wet.
I'm sorry. That should read "If the remainder of the match is anything like the first day, everyone's appetite will be whetted to see just what this great combination will achieve in the future."
This report is brought to you by the Rikki Clarke Appreciation Society, which has no affiliation whatsoever with a Surrey cricketer who quite coincidentally possesses a similar name.
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One thing you might have missed - with the failure of New Zealand to press home a victory against India recently, the way is open for England to move up to third in the ICC Test Championship table - provided they achieve a 2-0 victory against mighty Bangladesh. This is relatively unknown terrotory in recent years for the Old Country, and could well act as an effective springboard as they close in on South Africa who currently occupy second spot in the table (as opposed to England who usually just occupy second spot in a series).
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Well done Stuart Carlisle, who registered not only his personal maiden test century but also the first by any Zimbabwean against Australia in the second test match between the two countries at a deserted SCG last week.
One of the spectators who witnessed the event was too drunk to comment, owing to the fact that the Stuart MacGill Bar was serving English beer as opposed to that Fosters weasel pee the locals usually end up being fobbed off with, but the other one said that it was "A high-class knock worthy of Paul Maraziotis himself."
When I pointed out that the player he had mentioned played for NSW Second XI and could hardly be compared to an international batsman, David Hookes interjected by saying "I know he's not a South Australian so by default he's not very good, but if Paul had been a Victorian he's have been the first name on the teamsheet. Oh, wait! I'm confused".
Not as confused as we are, David.
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When are India going to recall Sachin Tendulkar? I ask that question because the person currently masquerading as the Little Master is surely an imposter. On the flattest wicket known to man at Chennai, the Indian No 4 struggled to get the ball off the square in a laboured knock of 55 which took all of 3 hours to compile, then succeeded in hanging his bat out to dry in the second innings and helping Tuffey (who usually needs quite a lot of help to take wickets) to bowl him cheaply.
Add to this a couple of miserable single-figure scores at Ahmedabad and it's little surprise that Tendulkar's face is as long as Inzy's when he discovers that someone's just taken the last cream cake. At least India's next test opponents are only Australia with their lacklustre, predictable attack spearheaded by new strike bowler Simon Katich. That should give the Great One a chance to play himself back into form.
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I'm pleased to hear that Mervyn Dillon, the famous West Indian lightning strike bowler, is well on the mend following on from his recent misfortunes. On the fateful day concerned, I'm led to believe that Dillon had thrown the bat at several deliveries in the previous over, on each occasion missing the ball by a military mile and shouting "F***. Missed the b******" to the great amusement of the slip cordon.
After the third such utterance, Fernix Thomas, getting a little fed up with the obscenities, called upon Dillon to refrain from swearing, suggesting that God ought to strike him and his foul mouth down.
Suddenly, there was a tremendous thunderclap and Thomas and Dillon both fell to their knees, victims of a terrifying (but still dangerous) near-miss. As the players rushed towards their stricken comrades, a booming voice from on high was clearly heard to say "F***. Missed the b******".
(Ah, the old ones are always the best)
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Paleontologists working in Multan, Punjab, today announced a discovery which casts doubt over the hitherto accepted theory that it was a huge meteorite 10 miles across crashing into the earth near the Yucatan peninsula 65 million years ago which wiped out the dinosaurs.
Furthermore, if the story turns out to be true, the discovery may demolish for once and for all the theory that dinosaurs were essentially stupid predators with brains the size of a whelk.
The scientist leading the expedition, a controversial figure viewed by many as 'a bit of a nuthatch', Dr Edward de Vilducky, said "I have unearthed uncontrovertible evidence that there lived at the time a type of dinosaur so immense in size that it completely dominated all other creatures which existed alongside it.
"Furthermore, I theorise that this animal was a creature of vast intelligence which used its dominant intellect and huge bulk to out-perform all the other dinosaurs with respect to predation, foraging and scavenging. In short, it ATE the other dinosaurs into extinction."
Dr Vilducky added "It was so intelligent that the creature which I have named Inzyosaurus Gargantua ul-Haq, for a while may have even taken part in rudimentary games similar to cricket, although it is likely that this was a ruse for it to be able get close enough to the opposition in order to eat them. In addition, I don't think that it would have been very good at running."
When asked what the evidence was, the doctor pretended not to hear and went back to cataloguing his collection of curried porcupines, but when pressed he held up an old bail and a half-eaten banana saying "It is quite staggering that these fragile remnants have survived for so many million years." When it was pointed out to him that the banana carried the legend 'Tesco' on a small label attached to it, he cried "Egad!. They had supermarkets too!"
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Clarkewatch, Dateline 22 October, 2003
Venue : Bangabandhu National Stadium, Dhaka
Event : First Test Match, Bangladesh v England
With Bangladesh putting together a troublesome partnership between Khaled Mashud and Mohammad Rafique which threatened England with embarrassment, skipper Michael Vaughan had no option but to turn to Surrey's greatest and called upon him to do his duty for Queen and Country.
The Clarkemeister first lulled Mashud into a false sense of security with a free-gift half-volley and then struck in his next over, trapping the Bangladeshi half-centurion in front of his stumps for the plumbest of plumb leg-befores.
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The Cricket Web Song Book
No 1 Smoke gets in Your Eyes
They asked me if I knew
If the catch was true.
I should like to say
The ball I took that day
Was fair in every way.
Cork said that I'm a cheat -
I'd stitched them up a treat.
It really isn't so.
Roy Palmer, he said "No,
Steve Selwood's got to go."
Said it was six when I'd crossed the rope,
Cork threw his toys out of the pram -
And he tried to claim the game that day.
He really is a dope.
Now, everybody knows
Except him, I suppose.
So I smile and say
To bring this to a close,
Cork gets up my nose.
By kind permission of Jerome Kern and Brad Cheaty-Hodge
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Clarkewatch, Dateline 24 October, 2003
Venue : Bangabandhu National Stadium, Dhaka
Event : First Test Match, Bangladesh v England
Hoggard and Harmison are shattered. Giles and Batty are rubbish. The skipper calls on Clarke once more to try to break through as Bangladesh press on in their endeavour to set England a realistic target.
Mushfiqur Rahman edges, four. "****", says Clarke. Two balls later, Mushfiqur edges again, four. "**** *******", says Clarke. The over ends and there is a confrontation. "You **** ******* ****** and lawnmower ***** **** *** ***** **** shopping trolley ******* ****** squid ****" says Clarke.
The official television action replay and drinks referee is not happy. At close of play, Clarke is called into his office to explain himself. Facing possible Shoaib suspension from the next test, the spoilt brat debutant's explanation that it was a problem of translation, that he was merely complimenting the batsman in Essexese, was not accepted and Clarke duly parted with 50% of his match fee.
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Disclaimer
All characters, circumstances and Inzy portrayed within these columns are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to any cricketers, Rikki Clarke or moaning Victorian coaches portrayed herein is entirely coincidental. Furthermore, any similarity between said Rikki Clarke and an actual cricketer, past or present, is in itself also coincidental. If we have given any other impression, we should like to apologise. We are so fuc very sorry and promise never to do anything naughty again (crosses fingers). Evenfurthermore (is there such a word? Well, there is now), this disclaimer is likely to get an awful lot longer in the future - so much so that I suspect that you lot will tire of reading it before I get fed up writing the damned thing. Do I really need it? What kind of a nutter actually believes this sort of nonsense anyway? Oh, of course. Americans.
more ducky nonsense later - I guarantee it
Posted by Eddie
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