Steve Harmison loses diary
Friday, October 17 2003
Dear Stephen...
Happy 11th Birthday from Auntie Beryl
This diary is the property of Stephen Harmison, Ashington School, August 1989
January 1, 1990
I confine to you, dear diary, my most intimate and private thoughts. My New Year's Resolution is to maintain said diary religiously from this day forth until the day I die.
July 19, 19901994.
Played cricket for the First XI for the first time today (should have been playing basketball but got on the wrong bus).
8-0-3-99
Square-leg umpire says that his fractured skull wasn't entirely my fault - he should have been watching when I came on to bowl.
8 August,1990 2002
Selected for England against India. No wickets today, chiz, grrrr. I wish I'd caught the basketball bus. I think Nasser likes me. He walks with me a lot.
9 August, 1990 2002
Wizz. First test wicket, Ajit something. Had a pie for tea.
20-7-3-57. Mr Benaud says that I did v. good - that I could be the new Nantie Hayward.
8 September, 1990 2003
Yay..... We beat South Africa in the last test. I got something called a fourfer.
4 October, 1990 2003
Going on tour early. The rest of the side leave next week but Mr Fletcher says that I have a habit of ending up in the wrong place so I have to go now. I wish they would stop sticking stamps on me. Somewhere called Dhaka. Mum's packed lots of clean underpants - 'just in case'.
6 October, 1990 2003
Arrived safely, although they spell it differently. Apparently, the locals call it Dakar. They also spell Bangladesh S-E-N-E-G-A-L. I think I'm going to like it here, although when I ask about cricket they keep saying 'we call them locusts'.
9 October, 1990 2003
Arrived safely (again). I know we are playing cricket here because it is raining. It always rains when we are playing cricket. Mr Fletcher took me to the hotel. I had curry for tea. Now I know why mum packed all those underpants. My friend Paul is my room-mate. He thinks that I will take lots of wickets and hit lots of people on the head and in the nakkers bollerks kobberlers on the body.
Watched some cricket on the telly which I can see if I leave the toilet door open. That Matthew Hayden was slogging Zimbabwe's bowlers all over the place. They're rubbish. I got lots of runs against them too (well, 11's sort-of lots). My room smells.
11 October, 1990 2003
Ashley says we cannot practice today because the wickets are like puddings. I like puddings. Much better than curry. My bottom still hurts.
13 October, 1990 2003
We played cricket today. Ha ha. Thorpy got a duck.
Ha ha. Now Rikky's just got a duck. Must be because of all the water. Someone told me that most of Bangladesh is below sea level. I can believe it.
My turn to bat in a minute. Bet I get lots.
14 October, 1990 2003
I got lots of wickets. All right, I got quite a lot of wickets. 3. Ashley's wrong. The wicket here is nothing like pudding. It tastes like pooey mud. We drew.
16 October, 1990 2003
We played another game today, against Bangladesh 'A'. I was our best bowler. Someone called Nafis got lots of runs (but not many off me). Paul got one too. He's my best friend. That Rikki Clarke's not very good.
This diary is the private and personal property of Paul Collingwood Steve Harmison
9 October 2003 Arrived safely at the team hotel. Please God, don't let me be rooming with Steve again.
10 October 2003 24 hours in Steve's company and I have finally snapped. It took some time but I finally succeeded in slashing my wrists with a spoon. Damn, they found me. Must remember to lock the bathroom door next time. Why am I bothering to write this? No-one will ever read it.
17 October 2003 Paul went out to bat a couple of minutes ago. I gave him lots of encouragement because he is my friend. I think that he will score lots. Oh, he's back already. I got a new dairy diary. I think that duck used my last one to make a nest.
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Well, it's over. The reign of Dominic Cork has finally come to an end at Derbyshire. "The time is right for me for a new challenge, but I wish everyone at Derbyshire all the best for the future" he muttered through clenched teeth.
My voodoo doll effigy of Derbyshire chairman Trevor Bowring, covered in pins, burned brightly on the bonfire. The real Trevor Bowring said "I wish Corky and the scum at Lancashire all the very best. May their sons and daughters evermore walk sideways like crabs."
Matters came to a head following the appointment of Sky Sports tea-boy and one-time Zimbabwean test cricketer David Houghton at the County Ground. The pair had a 'clear the air' meeting last month where Corky was reputed (by me) to have said "back me or sack me". Houghton replied "OK."
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Today witnessed the end of an era when Wasim Akram played his farewell match in front of an adoring 15,000 crowd at the Gaddafi Stadium, Lahore. Fittingly, his contributions to the game included bagging Jayasuriya leg-before for a duck, slogging four boundaries and getting himself out stumped aiming another reckless, crowd-pleasing yahoo in the general direction of Amritsar. On behalf of Cricket Web, the duck wishes him all the best for the future.
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The recent series between Bangladesh and Pakistan (featuring the new, slim-line Inzy who has given up some pies for a while) suggests that the first victory for the youngest test nation is just around the corner. Coincidentally, the forthcoming test series between Bangladesh and England is also just around the corner. Spooky, eh?
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Two pieces of news recently which appear to be taking completely opposite sides of the same argument.
In the first, Sir Richard Hadlee has suggested that Glenn McGrath 'could become the first man to 600 test victims'.
The second is the moratorium on 'sledging' in test cricket.
If 'sledging' is finally outlawed for the disgraceful Australian gamesmanship it is, McGrath could lose most of his effectiveness.
McGrath, currently on 430 wickets, is obviously concerned. "Do they still have sledging in the Winter Olympics?"
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A Tale of Two Titties Davids
My vote for the most tedious 'interactive' television of all time must go to Sky's 'exclusive' (also available elsewhere) coverage of David Blaine, in a box, suspended over the Thames, in a nappy, drinking only water (with additional minerals, vitamins, liquidised pies and the occasional pheasant) with minders in attendance. I spoke to someone at Sky about the whole exercise.
DD : Why does he have minders?
SKY : To keep the excited crowds at bay.
DD : But there aren't any crowds. Why do you think that is?
SKY : Because of the blanket television coverage.
DD : But no-one's watching on television either. Why do you think that is?
SKY : Because it's boring. That's the whole point.
DD : People watch boring television?
SKY : Oh yes. Sometimes. If we tell them often enough. Channel 4 have 'Big Brother', The BBC have Anne Robinson and ITV have, er......
DD : But we've already decided that people aren't watching it.
SKY : That's because it's not boring enough. They can actually SEE something. He moves on occasion. Next time, we plan on using an opaque box. Perhaps cardboard or steel. Yes, cardboard. Cheaper, you see. And there's always the possibility that he might fall through it into the river.
DD : What do you say to those people who suggest that he isn't actually IN the box at all? That you are just displaying a looped tape, over and over and over and over and over and over again?
SKY : That's a good idea. We never thought of that.
DD : So David Blaine is actually in the box?
SKY : Yes, but he's dead. He actually died three weeks ago but we feel that it's made for better television.
DD : But he moved. You said so yourself.
SKY : That's Fred. He pokes the rotting corpse every so often and the maggots just do the rest. That and the electrodes.
DD : Any plans for the future?
SKY : Oh, yes.
DD : Well?
SKY : What?
DD : Your plans for the future?
SKY : We at Sky feel that 'Reality TV (tm)' is the future of broadcasting. We plan to widen the whole concept of 'In A Box'-vision to incorporate all aspects of our broad, varied coverage of all sorts of events in the future.
DD : In what way?
SKY : Well, take cinema. We are currently negotiating with distributors to produce a new 'concise' version of 'Ben Hur', in a box, suspended over the Thames, with Charlton Heston and Jack Hawkins and chariots and lepers.
DD : But Jack Hawkins died over 30 years ago.
SKY : So you think that might be a problem?
DD : Somewhat. I suppose you could use a cardboard cut-out
SKY : Hang on, Devil Ducky. Let me take some notes...
DD : STOP! The whole concept is flawed. Besides, this interview is beginning to ramble and we haven't mentioned cricket once.
SKY : Now, our 'Cricket In A Box' plans are well under way for the new season.
DD : Come on!
SKY : No, I'm serious. It's just a natural extention to Twenty:20. The punters will love it.
DD : A cricket pitch is 22 yards long. Such things are sacrosanct. You cannot change them. You might as well hoist the whole of Lord's up on a crane and take it from there.
SKY : You don't think it will work, then?
DD : Look, I have got one serious suggestion to make - and it is well within the scope of the type of activities you have been discussing. It's cricket-related, and what's more, the sports fans in Australia will simply love it.
SKY : Go on...
DD : Keep the box. Just remove David Blaine's corpse for a while and replace it with David Hookes. On second thoughts, don't bother removing Blaine. Just add Hookes.
SKY : But the smell....
DD : The maggots won't mind. Oh, I see. You mean David Hookes might not like the nasty niff. Don't worry. Now lower the crane until the box is UNDER the water, leave it there for an hour or so...
SKY : Won't he drown?
DD : See? No drawbacks whatsoever.
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Disclaimer
All characters, circumstances and Inzy portrayed within these columns are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to any cricketers, Rikki Clarke or moaning Victorian coaches portrayed herein is entirely coincidental. Furthermore, any similarity between said Rikki Clarke and an actual cricketer, past or present, is in itself also coincidental. If we have given any other impression, we should like to apologise. We are so fuc very sorry and promise never to do anything naughty again (crosses fingers).
Posted by Eddie
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