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Shane Warne story in full

Tuesday, August 12 2003

The latest Shane Warne scandal has journalists throughout the world looking at each other and smiling, as though all their collective Christmases, Chanukahs, Gurpurabs and Barbies have all come at once.

My secretary, Nancy, rang him yesterday to find out just what it was all about. A transcript of the conversation follows :

Warnie Hello, Warne Consultants.
Nancy Good day, Mister Warne. It's Nancy...

Warnie I'm sorry, it's a terrible line. Could you speak up, please?
Nancy It's Mister Ducky's personal secretary, Nancy. Sonya, our receptionist, spoke to you earlier...

Warnie Hansie? Hansie Cronje? Is that you? You old sly fox, you. I knew that..
Nancy No, no, no, Mister Warne. Not 'Hansie' - 'N-A-N-C-Y'

Warnie Sorry, my mistake. I'm just getting a little twitchy these days with all these silly stories which seem to be doing the rounds.
Nancy Quite understandable, Mister Warne. I was only speaking to Robin Smith down at Hampshire yesterday..

Warnie Sorry? Smithy's seen Hansie?
Nancy No, Smith. Robin Smith.

Warnie Oh, Judgie. Top bloke.
Nancy Indeed, he seems a very nice man. He wanted to know whether...

Warnie That's my job, darling.
Nancy I'm sorry?

Warnie Knowing the weather. You know, rain, lightning, whether the pitch will turn on the fourth day, the usual stuff. Five grand....
Nancy This line's just not getting any better, is it? There's a right din.

Warnie Azharuddin? I've not heard from him in days. Ask John...
Nancy About this South African story - this lady.

Warnie I'm not sure what you are saying.
Nancy Nor am I any more, Mister Warne. I'm just not sure which report to believe.

Warnie The pitch report is free - provided you pay for the weather forecast, of course. Better text me, though. Much safer that way - no little misunderstandings, if you see what I mean.

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Great moments in History No 1 - The Battle of the Little Bigduck

Our Native American correspondent, Devil Two-Duckies, writes :

One hundred years after the United States of America achieved independence, in the summer of 1876, an extraordinary cricket match took place in the Black Hills of South Dakota between the home side, the Sioux Nation under my great-great-great grandfather, Chief Sitting-Duck, and a Seventh Cavalry Select 1111 led by General George Custard.

The Cavalry won the toss and elected to take first strike, finding scoring exceedingly difficult, Sitting-Duck having cleverly placed 4,000 fielders in the covers and the remainder around the bat. The Sioux opening bowlers were exceedingly hostile and many a batsman was soon heading back to the pavilion battered, bruised and cut to pieces.

Custard himself took part in a dramatic last-wicket stand which held up the Sioux warriors for several hours but when his own wicket fell, cutting, the Seventh Cavalry were all out for less than a thousand.

When Sitting-Duck came out to bat, he surveyed the now empty arena and, there being no fielders, duly claimed the match. It was to be the last victory for the once-proud Sioux side - the ICC shortly afterwards declared that 'scalping' was an unfair method of dismissal. Robbed of their potent opening attack, they slipped to defeat after defeat and were relegated.

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David Graveney
Rod Marsh
Duncan Fletcher
Geoff Miller

Four men charged with bringing the game into disrep... I'm sorry, I'll start again.

Graveney, Marsh. Fletcher and Miller - four men charged with revitalising English test cricket after the maulings of Edgbaston and Lord's at the hands of the South Africans.

We all know what decisions they came up with - but are you aware just HOW those decisions actually came to pass?

Last Saturday morning, Lord Stuffy Pluminthemouth lent the esteemed gentlemen his office at Lord's for the duration of their meeting, the sole purpose of which was to select a side capable of getting England back into the series. On the wall are three ducks. Little did they know, however, that one of them was real.

Stuffy Take your time, gentlemen. I'm orf for a while - got to take the Mem-Sahib to Harrods to do the grocery shopping. Darned chauffeur's been done for my speeding again.
All Thanks, Stuffy.
Stuffy Gentlemen, help yourself to a snifter from the drinks cabinet - bit of the old 'Dutch courage' never did anyone any harm when it comes to making the odd, er, difficult decision.
Marsh (whispers) Too flaming right. Now you're talking, you Pommie bairstard.

Graveney (switching on tape recorder) Gentlemen, the meeting is now called to order. Item number 1 on the agenda - selection of the England team for the third test.
Miller What's item number 2?
Graveney There isn't one. Why do you ask?
Miller Well, I was hoping that we could start with an easy one and work up.

Fletcher When I was captain of Zimbabwe, the selection committee had to even choose the bus company we were using - Mugabe Buses or Mugabe Coaches. That was a toughie, I can tell you.
Graveney All right, ALL RIGHT. Item number 1, choice of beverage for the selection committee. Item number 2, England team selection. All in favour?
All Aye!

Graveney Unanimous. I'll have a Glenlivet - do the honours, Geoff.
Miller Here you go, skip. Dunc?
Fletcher Same here, Dusty
Miller Rod?
Marsh Just leave the bottle, Bruce.

Graveney OK. Rampers back in for McGrath? That's what we said a couple of months ago.
Miller Yes, I know we said that back in May, but what about that Smith character down at Canterbury?
All Who?
Miller Ed Smith. A couple of weeks ago I watched him at Blackpool.

Graveney You actually went to the game? I thought you'd just put another dodgy expense claim in to cover your holiday.
Miller Definitely went - Scout's Honour. David Lloyd interviewed me. (pours more whiskies)
Graveney (Hic) Right, Ed Smith it is. All in favour?
All Aye!

Graveney Darned fine Scotch, this. Any more left?
Marsh Shorry, bosh. It'sh all gone.
Fletcher We've done a bottle of Stuffy's best Scotch already. Do you think we ought to turn the, er, um (points to tape recorder)
Graveney How are we going to remember what we shaid?
Miller I've got a penshil
Fletcher I'll take the notes. Give it here.
Graveney (turns off tape recorder) Right.

The meeting drones on and on for a couple of hours, round and round in circles it goes. It's hot, all the members of the selection committee are desperate to wrap things up but one bottle leads to another. Duncan Fletcher, meanwhile, is looking very much the worse for wear.

Graveney Down to the wine now - corkscrew, anyone?
Marsh Cork's crew? Don't you dare pick any Derbyshire player. They're all rubbish except Di Venuto. Besides, look at his hair. Flaming poufdah.
Miller Corky's still one of the best bowling options around. Rod, who's that Aussie commentator who was praising Cork last year?
Marsh Chappell
Miller That's right.
Fletcher (Waking up, writes) C-H-A-P-P-L-E

Miller No, Duncan (Hic!) Don't write that. Oh, ignore him. We'll remember. He's completely bonkers.
Marsh Yeah - totally batty.
Fletcher B-A-T-T-Y-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Marsh Don't upset him. He'll go all moody - hmmmm. There's an idea...
Graveney Meeting adjourned. We'll pick it up this afternoon.
All zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

At this precise moment in time, Lord Stuffy Pluminthemouth returns from his shopping trip, sees the sleeping selectors and decides to leave them to it. Suddenly, he spies the piece of paper clutched in Duncan Fletcher's hand.

Stuffy Don't worry, gentlemen. I'll give this to the press.

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Many thanks and much kudos to Charles Colville for making my evening tonight (as I've said before, credit where credit's due).

Sky TV's (normally) unfunniest presenter was droning away during the Kent v Gloucestershire NCL game from Canterbury when suddenly one of the banks of floodlights went on the blink.

Normally, the commentator will ad-lib some pre-rehearsed wise-crack about "the fifty pence piece has run out" (well, I would) but not Charles. The camera focused on two electricians busying themselves with the backup generator, going for a close-up as their expressions turned to puzzlement.

Quick as a flash, Charles Colville said "My washing machine packed up at home a few weeks ago. The man who came to repair it looked just like those two - he stood there, a worried expression furrowing his brow, shaking his head. It usually means only one thing - expensive."

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The Shane Warne scandal just rolls on and on and on.

The latest revelations come courtesy of my milkman, WG Singh, who reveals : "Yes, Ducky Sahib. Mrs Bloom who works at corner Co-operative shop is telling me that she is hearing a man down the allotments saying that he is hearing from man called David that a lady with hairs all over back called Sheila is dancing in chemists in village last week. Not only that, I was mowing lawn just yesterday and someone with blonde hair and Australian accent is saying 'nice weather for cricket' to me and asking for directions to the Trent Bridge. Oh yes, I am surely to be putting three and five together."


Devil Ducky is on holiday at an undisclosed pond but he assures us that he will be adding further nonsense to this column in the next few days.


Posted by Eddie