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Rikki Clarke - new McGrath

Sunday, October 26 2003

****watch, Dateline 24 October, 2003

Venue : Bangabandhu National Stadium, Dhaka
Event : First Test Match, Bangladesh v England

Hoggard and Harmison are shattered. Giles and Batty are rubbish. The skipper calls on Clarke once more to try to break through as Bangladesh press on in their endeavour to set England a realistic target.

Mushfiqur Rahman edges, four. "****", says Clarke. Two balls later, Mushfiqur edges again, four. "**** *******", says Clarke. The over ends and there is a confrontation. "You **** ******* ****** and lawnmower ***** **** *** ***** **** shopping trolley ******* ****** squid ****" says Clarke.

The official television action replay and drinks referee is not happy. At close of play, Clarke is called into his office to explain himself. Facing possible Shoaib suspension from the next test, the spoilt brat debutant's explanation that it was a problem of translation, that he was merely complimenting the batsman in his native Essexese, was not accepted and Clarke duly parted with 50% of his match fee.

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It had been a day like any other day in Cricketland and Mr. Greedy was hungry. Mr. Greedy was always hungry - and he pointed this fact out to Mr. Small.

"But you have just had lunch, Mr. Greedy. As a matter of fact, you have had everyone's lunch." exclaimed Mr. Small.

"Call me Inzy, Gladstone." replied Mr. Greedy. "Anyway, I can't help it. It's my metabolism."

"It's your fat gut, more like." whispered Mr. Small to himself but luckily Mr Greedy didn't hear or he would have been very sad indeed.

Mr Greedy carried on walking towards the cake shop but alas, it was closed when he got there. Just then, he saw Mr. Nonsense and Mr. Grumpy outside the Sky Sports studio. "Hello, Mr. Nonsense, hello, Mr. Grumpy." said Mr Greedy. "Do you know where I might find a nice cake for my tea?"

Mr Nonsense said "Ee, Lankyshire hotpot's better than cake. Unless it's Chorley cake. Or Eccles cake. Don't like Yorkshire pudding, though." shaking his head disconsolately.

"The worst captain I've ever seen." replied Mr. Grumpy, pointing to a house with 'Radio 4 TMS' written on a sign so small that hardly anyone ever noticed it.

"Thank you." exclaimed Mr. Greedy, by now very hungry indeed. He strode up to the front door and rang the bell. The door was opened by a man carrying lots of pieces of paper.

"Hello, I'm Mr. Clever. What can I do for you?" asked the very strange, bearded person at the door.

"I'm still hungry." cried Mr. Greedy.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have the precise records to hand of the highest ever third-wicket partnership by two batsmen from Hungary, but I can tell you that the largest number of runs scored from a single delivery in first-class cricket is 10." replied Mr. Clever, pointing at Mr. Uppity who was running out of the back door carrying a large plate of buns.

Mr. Greedy chased after Sourav Ganguly as fast as he could, but he never was very good at running so he stopped and sobbed miserably. "Cheer up, Mr. Greedy," said Mr. Messy. "Look at this large novelty cheque for a thousand dollars Mr. Grumpy begrudgingly gave me for being man of the match against Bangladesh. Come with me and we shall have a feast."

The pair marched arm in arm along the high street to the restaurant. Just as they were about to enter the front door, they spied Asoka Da Silva and Billy Bowden looking at the menu in the window. "Is it opeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn?" the pals shouted.

"No, the restaurant owner is definitely out." replied Mr. Wrong after five minutes, but Mr. Silly waved his arms and danced in a very silly way indeed so the pair went in and ordered a can of Carlsberg Special Brew for Mr. Messy and a whole plateful of cakes for Mr. Greedy which he ate in one gulp.

Mr. Greedy and Mr. Messy decided to go for a pint in the bar where they met Mr. Strong and Mr. Slow. "Hello, Mr. Strong. I expect you will be playing next week." said Mr. Greedy and Mr. Messy. "Hello, Mr. Greedy. Hello, Mr. Messy." said Andrew Flintoff. "Hello, Mr. Slow." said Mr. Greedy and Mr. Messy. "I understand you have been a naughty boy."

"**** off!" replied Rikki Clarke, handing over 50% of his match fee.

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Shane Warne sets the record straight

I took advantage of Shane Warne's protracted layoff from test cricket to make up some rubbish speak to the him about life, cricket and mobile phones how he is perceived by the media. Here's what he had to say.

DD Shane, over the last few months, you must have reflected on the hand that life has dealt you.
Warney (looks at hand) Yeah, mate. I think my fingers have got a bit pudgy over the last few weeks, but that's nothing that a bit of hard work won't fix.

DD Hard work?
Warney Definitely, DD. Those childproof caps are bloody hard to er, I mean to say, I am currently working with my physiotherapist on a new fitness regime which will see me fitter, leaner and able to rip the cover off the cricket ball.

DD So you reckon you will be even better when you return?
Warney Too right. I've been vilified in many quarters, written off by those journalists who really ought to know better. I'm a Victorian, an Aussie through and through...

DD Is that why you made enquiries about becoming a naturalised Englishman?
Warney Exactly. I'm no quitter, and in a few years with all those great young players coming through in the English game, it'll be a damned sight harder to get in the Poms' team than the Baggy Green. I view it as a challenge.

DD Like Rikki Clarke?
Warney No, not a lot.

DD Can we turn to the Scott Muller affair?
Warney It was Waugh. It was Cameraman Joe. It was, er, I was misquoted.

DD I'm a little intrigued by all the furore over a simple statement, perhaps made in jest, in the heat of the moment.
Warney Like I said, I never said "Can't bowl, can't throw."

DD Off the record, what did you say?
Warney Just between us?

DD Promise.
Warney "Can't bowl, can't throw, can't bat, never gets a round in. Lehmann's got a twin brother." Cameraman Joe only repeated the first bit then fell off his chair laughing. It was a joke - apart from the bit about not buying his share.

DD Right. Back on the record now. Were you at the WACA a couple of weeks ago?
Warney Yeah.

DD What did you think of it?
Warney Well, the weather was fine, the pitch was a typical Perth surface. A quality spinner would wreak havoc, but put your money on an Aussie victory. Risk a monkey...

DD No, I meant Matthew Hayden's record
Warney Who?

DD There have been various stories circulating about you threatening various people with legal action ever since David Hookes made certain accusations.
Warney I'm still considering litigation, sure.

DD On what grounds?
Warney Plagiarism.

DD Plagiarism?
Warney Yeah. Over the last year, I've had plenty of time to put my feet up and pursue other activities. I was watching television the other day and one of the shows was a blatant rip-off of one of my ideas.

DD Which programme was that?
Warney Flipper.

DD The children's programme about the dolphin?
Warney Oh, spit!

DD Shane Warne, a man to whom bowling comes as easy as deception and treachery does to the average politician, thank you and good night.
Warney When do I get paid?

DD Helen's got it. Do you have her mobile number?


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Disclaimer

All characters, circumstances and Inzy portrayed within these columns are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to any cricketers, Rikki Clarke or moaning Victorian coaches portrayed herein is entirely coincidental. Furthermore, any similarity between said Rikki Clarke and an actual cricketer, past or present, is in itself also coincidental. If we have given any other impression, we should like to apologise. We are so fuc very sorry and promise never to do anything naughty again (crosses fingers). Evenfurthermore (is there such a word? Well, there is now), this disclaimer is likely to get an awful lot longer in the future - so much so that I suspect that you lot will tire of reading it before I get fed up writing the damned thing. Do I really need it? What kind of a nutter actually believes this sort of nonsense anyway? Oh, of course. Americans.

The staff at Cricket Web would like to point out that the disclaimer printed above by no means reflects the official opinions of this site. We think that Inzy is a very fine cricketer with a legendary gut reputation and an uncanny ability to strike famine fear in the hearts and minds of bowlers who are late in the queue for lunch.










Posted by Eddie