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Harmison injuries explained

Friday, November 21 2003

England started their winter tour of Sri Lanka with one thought in mind - they aimed to clean up. Sure enough, in the first One Day International at Dambulla, the batsmen may as well have been using broom handles and the bowlers feather dusters for all the good it did them.

The last English victory in a ODI on Sri Lankan soil was last year against Zimbabwe in the Champions Trophy, but you have to go back as far as 1982 to find them winning against the home team. Star performances on that day came from Botham, Allott and Willis - as certain members of the Sky Sports commentary team had little hesitation in repeatedly announcing.

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Once again, the injury jinx has struck Stephen Wayward-Harmison, ond once more it is an injury caused in Harmisonesque circumstances. The man who brought you 'Shoulder dislocation by trouser pocket' is going to miss the entire Sri Lanka series with a back injury caused by, er, sitting down.

Let's take this opportunity to look at a couple of the more bizarre injuries from Steve's recent past - and postulate how he could perhaps improve on them in the future:


1. January, 2003. Steve bowls a couple of splendid overs against Sri Lanka in the tri-nations series at the Adelaide Oval. Nasser is drawn between shooting him and giving him a rest, the Durham man's analysis being a mind-boggling 0-27 at the time. Hussain says "Now, Steve, I want you to field where I normally do when I'm berating you." Harmison looks bemused. "Mid-off." comes the explanation.

Still non-plussed, Steve appeals to his captain (which makes a change, because he certainly hasn't appealed to the umpire in the game) for further clarification. Nasser walks over, jams his heel in the ground, points to the indentation and says "Stand there.' Steve immediately trips over the hole and sprains his ankle.

How Steve can improve on things in the future
On 1 April, 2004, Steve comes to the end of a splendid spell of 1-20 against the West Indies in Barbados, having had Crystal Gayle dropped 4 times by Mark Butcher but picking up the wicket of Daren Ganga, bowled off his helmet. Whilst accepting the grateful congratulations of England skipper Rikki Clarke, Steve steps on the drinks bottle thrown to him by 12th man Michael Vaughan. He falls to the ground where he begins to writhe in obvious pain.

The physio rushes on to the field of play and unsuccessfully tries to prevent Steve from thrashing around, worried about him damaging the ankle further and repeatedly lifting his foot to check for damage. Four people pin Harmison to the ground. Amidst the screams, Steve finally gets the message through that his ankle's fine but he's lying on an fire-ants nest.


2. October 2003. Fresh from demolishing Bangladesh in Dhaka, Steve boards the aircraft for Chittagong. The journey takes longer than usual, but Steve isn't too worried. He reads the in-flight magazine thoroughly and is particularly taken by an article on the Japanese film director, the late Akira Kurosawa, the man responsible for the film 'Shichinin no samurai' (The Seven Samurai, a film which became the inspiration for 'The Magnificent Seven').

Steve falls asleep, dreaming about yet another re-make - but with himself in the Yul Brynner role. When he wakes, he decides to start work on the film script. He turns round to ask England newcomer Rikki Clarke for a pen and paper, forgetting that his seat-belt is still fastened and he aggravates his six-year old back injury.


How Steve can improve on things in the future
On 1 April, 2004, Steve troops off the field in Barbados at the close of play scratching his still itchy fire-ant bites. It has been a brilliant day for him but a bad one for umpire Bowden, standing at the Joel Garner End at the Kensington Oval, coincidentally the end from which Steve has operated for much of the day. Billy has to spend the night in traction following an unfortunate 'incident' involving a no-ball, a leg-bye, 'one-short', a ricochet off a helmet, an appeal for obstruction of the field (unsuccessful) and the resultant dead ball - all off a single Harmison delivery.

Steve's return to the attack in the final session has been remarkable. Walk, walk, scratch. Jog, jog, scratch. Sprint, sprint, scratch. Bound, leap, scratch. One after another the batsmen, confused, can only help the ball into the waiting hands of Rikki Clarke in the gulley. 7-70, what a performance. Just Lara, on 379*, stands between the West Indies and a disastrous sub-600 first-innings total.

Steve Harmison has a well-earned bath in Calamine Lotion to soothe the ant bites. He continues working on his film script. He is playing the Yul Brynner role - funnily enough, the character is called Chris Adams. 7-70 - 'The Magnificent Seven' is right. He chuckles to himself. 'The Magnificent Stephen' - even better. He leans over the side of the bath, reaching for a pen - only to slip on a discarded loofah and he aggravates his seven-year old back injury.

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The Easter Holidays over, the boys at Greyfriars School were summoned on to the sports field by the Games Master, Mr. Marsh. Ian 'Bunter' Blackwell chuckled to himself from his hiding place behind the blackboard in the Remove class room. "Old Marshy will never think of looking for me here." he said, tucking into the biggest bag of jam tarts you ever saw.

"Harbhajan Jamset Ram Singh, have you seen Bunter?" bellowed Mr. Marsh in a booming voice loud enough to rattle the windows in nearby Friardale village..

"N-n-no, sir." replied Harbee, shuffling nervously from one foot to another whilst trying to avoid his glassy stare.

"When I find him, I'll give him six of the best. You boys, divide yourselves into two teams - I shall be back shortly. McDravid, put those gauntlets down. Whoever heard of a Scottish wicketkeeper?"

Bunter glanced out of the window. The ruddy features of Mr. Marsh, the former convict, stared back at him through the glass. "Cripes!" he yelled, ducking out of sight again.

Mr. Marsh rushed in, grasping Bunter's ear firmly between his bony fingers. "Ow! Yaroooh! I was just coming, sir. Honest!" he gasped, scoffing the last jam tart.

The Fat Owl was dragged, unceremoniously, to the cricket field. "Can I score, sir?" he asked.

"No, you may not, Bunter." replied Mr. Marsh. "It took days to get the jam off the pages last time. You can field at point."

"Beast!" muttered Bunter, under his breath.

The game duly got under way. Agarkar came charging in off his long run and presented the juiciest of half-volleys to the broad bat of Ponting. The ball rebounded off Bunter's ample frame ("Yaroooh") - straight to VVS Laxman who dropped the simplest of chances.

Khan opened the bowling from the other end. "Come out of slip, Laxman - swap with Bunter." Sure enough, another chance went begging. "I'm sorry, Zaheer. I can't concentrate." said Laxman. "We have a thief in our midst. My Latin textbook's gone missing"

"A thief? I found them. I bought them with a postal order. Mummy sent them to me" blurted Bunter, wiping the remainder of the jam from his chubby jowls. "Oh, Latin."

Laxman went back into slip, muttering to himself. Twice more, the ball came to the unfortunate VVS Laxman. Twice more, it found the grass. "Just wait until I catch who's stolen my book."

"It'll be the first thing he's caught today." whispered Bunter.

"The chumpfullness of the esteemed Bunter is terrific" said Hurree Jamset Ram Singh.


Posted by Eddie