DD finds anagram dictionary
Sunday, November 30 2003
Someone mentioned the other day that what I do in this column - informing you, the cricketing public, of the important issues of the day - is tantamount to slander. The way I keep picking on the same players, officials and the like, week-in, week-out, lampooning them, making mountains out of molehills and just generally making a nuisance of myself is something I ought to be ashamed of, and that cricket just doesn't need a column like this.
Well, all I can say is bolloc sorry. David Hookes People bring it on themselves. Take a certain coach of Victoria. As you are no doubt aware, the Indian tourists find themselves in the shell-shocked former capital of the rugby union world, Australia, to take on the might of the Baggy Green on their home turf in Steve Waugh's farewell series.
The Indians have been starved of proper cricket of late (the last series being against New Zealand) and His Regal Left-handedness Sourav Ginganguly felt that it would be better if his side had a little batting practice against the cannon-fodder of The Victorian Bushbabies (or something) in what was the tour opener. Truth be told, the Indians were in dire straits from the off, struggling to 266-9 at the end of the first day.
Queen Victoria's finest then pounded the lacklustre Indian attack all over the park with Brad Cheaty-Hodge slaughtering the tame Agarkarless bowlers for 264 out of a total of 518-8. The game predictably petered out into a tame draw with India crawling to 116-2 in their second innings before the umpires mercifully put both spectators out of their misery.
All in all, it was a much-needed workout for the Indians and Ganguly proved to be a captain of real worth - especially with his classy declaration to cut ten minutes out at the start of the second day as he signalled his intent to play for a draw from the off.
Now, David Hookes, a man to whom the word 'diplomacy' is as synonymous as it is to Sir Les Patterson, is not normally a man to court controversy. This quiet leader of men was so incensed with the whole affair that he was quite literally forced to talk to the press afterwards. "We had an arrangement" he bleated. "Ganguly and I had already decided before the game started that each first innings would be just 70 overs long."
The bemused Indian captain responded politely with "Pardon?" to which the cultured Hookes replied equally politely "Bugger it." He then went on to add "In the words of Brad Hodge, they are 'nowhere'" Obviously a misquote - Brad would never say 'nowhere'. ''Definitely caught it inside the boundary, m'Lud", perhaps, but 'nowhere'? Never!
Incidentally, 'David Hookes' is an anagram of 'Have Skiddoo', 'Advised hook' and 'Hi-dose vodka'. The last one sums it up quite nicely, but that's another story.
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Old cricketers never die - they always smell that way! As the sands of time run out on the career of Steve Waugh, Cricket Web asks what the future holds in store for Andy Caddick's favourite bunny.
Ex-cricketers of some stature tend to migrate towards television like Shane Warne to the chemists a moth to a flame, but is the studio big enough for such a giant of the game? Is there some other niche where he could make his mark? I asked a few other well-known personalities for their own opinion on what Waugh ought to do when the bus-pass finally arrives, only funnily enough, hardly anyone wanted to speak to me.
With the increasing destruction of the world's rain-forests, it's unlikely that there will be sufficient room for both Steve Waugh and Phil Tufnell in the same Reality show, so that's out for a start. David Hookes seems to have Public Relations sewn up for himself at the moment, so that's another one off the list.
I did get a response from Inzamam ul-Haq (surprise, surprise) and here's what he had to say :
"Oh, yes, Ducky. I have already started formulating my own plans for the twilight of my own career, and if Steve wants to come in with me in a joint venture..."
"Is Tufnell involved as well, then?" I asked, but he ignored me.
"...then he is more than welcome." said Inzy. I pressed him further. "I am going to start my own fast-food venture. A bit like KFC, only this is going to be ethnic Pakistani food with a cricket bent. I have already decided on a name too - PCB."
I asked whether this had anything to do with the Pakistan Cricket Board or some play on words, but he only stared at me blankly before adding "Punjabi Chicken Balti. I think that it will go very well indeed. I have even decided on a slogan."
"Bowl-lickin' good?" I enquired.
"No, 'Run out and get some'." he replied.
So, there you have it, Steve. Either throw your lot in with a fellow international skipper of great gut reputation or it's television for you.
Steve Waugh, your anagram for today is 'Thee was guv'. Nuff said. Cricket Web wishes you all the best for the future.
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A little snippet you might have missed recently.
Ryan Sidebottom, left-arm trundler of the headbanging locks, joined Nottinghamshire a couple of weeks ago, leaving the seamers' paradise which was Headingley for the seamers' paradise which is Trent Bridge.
He cites the following as reasons for the move :
"Competition is fierce amongst the seamers at Yorkshire and I wasn't playing regular enough to play my way back into the England set-up." - in other words, not good enough for Yorkshire but good enough for England (a bit like Craig White a few years ago).
Actually, Iron Maiden are due to be playing in Nottingham next week and he thought that being a local would give him priority when it came to getting tickets.
Come on, Ryan. Be honest.
Anyway, if he captains Nottinghamshire and they go on a pre-season tour of Japan AND they win the toss, he will surely put the opposition in.
His anagram is "Bat, my Orient sod."
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The door is open - now Lance has the chance to kick it down.
Lance Klusener was the surprise name in the 'Rest of South Africa' squad announced a few days ago for the forthcoming Sports Trust Challenge game against Western Province.
Klusener, unceremoniously ditched from the national side after the World Cup and omitted from the tour of England, was the subject of intense speculation following the appointment of Graeme Smith to the Protean captaincy, but over recent months his profile has been as poor as VVS Laxman's slip catching.
Now Omar Henry says "Lance has been in prime form, in particular with the ball. It's great to see him back."
Just as long as nobody invites Graeme Smith for breakfast.
Personally, I think that Lance will get his own back, probably by calling Graeme Smith a dog. For after all, his anagram is "Ace kennel slur."
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Not long to wait now before Shane Warne can return to the Australian test side, his mum all forgiven and him squeaky-clean. In keeping with today's theme, the following is the last test side he played in, against England in November/December 2002.
Now I hope you won't have to use your imagination TOO much before you agree with me. Is this the rudest cricket side of all time? Or is it me?
No, it is me, isn't it? You can tell me. I can take it (well, Shane knows someone who can).
Just inner gal
Whet handy meat
Tiny prick gon
Dirty mean man
Ran, held men, ran
She hug, wet, nap
Act dam girlish
Ensnare haw
Letter be
Ogles jeans pile
Glenn McGrath
Sheer, unadulterated filth the lot of them.
I rest my case (no, he wasn't the 12th man)
Posted by Eddie
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