Happy Birthday, Nostradamus

On December 14, 1503, in the tiny French village of St Remi, there was born one Michel de Nostredame. He was a happy little chap, playing cricket with all his chums every day after school. He also had an amazing gift - an uncanny ability to judge how members of his team and the opposition would perform on the field.

One day, whilst playing in the annual battle against l'Australie College (a match known colloquially as 'Les Ashes') he turned to his best friend, Stephan Armison, and said "Regardez le grande puff Shan Warne avec le bouffant 'airstyle. Ee weel not trouble les scorers zis day. Dans fact, ee weel not trouble les scorers for a tres long time, markez my words."

The next day, they found out that little Shan had been caught taking what were described as 'Les tablets' and that he had been brought before their Spanish team manager, Senor Inquisition. Charged and tortured by the ICC with bringing the game into heresy, Shan finally confessed that the tablets were not for the Plague at all, but were to be used to bring about the coming of the Antichrist, or at the very least one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

When asked which one, he refused to answer. After a little gentle persuasion, to wit a light burning at the stake, he cried out "La Guerre, la Guerre". This was thought at the time to indicate war, and sure enough, over the next several hundred years the French were indeed involved in many wars during which time many sheep were burned at the gates of Calais.

Shan Warne was suspended for a year by the ICC and his thumbs, though when he came back, he was twice the bouller he was - possibly due to all the hours he had spent on the rack. Michel de Nostredame, distraught, vowed never to play cricket again. "Zut alors, ah weel never play zees accursed game encore." he said - and he never did.

He maintained an interest in the game, though, becoming an avid reader of 'Le Wisden' and founder of Surrey County Cricket Club. He continued his education at the University of Avignon where he changed his name to Nostradamus because it sounded spookier, and he became interested in the Occult and the Black Arts, known nowadays as 'leg spin'.

Whilst in Avignon, he wrote a series of quatrains known as 'Centuries', and over the years many have tried to interpret them as views of the future, harbingers of doom, perhaps. Some have even read them as foretelling the end of the world, citing once again the words of little Shan Warne, "La Guerre, la Guerre."

Well, after years of painstaking research, I can categorically state that they WERE views of the future - although they were not visions of the future of the world as such. The answer was obvious, there for all to see in the title - 'Centuries'. Even Shan's words carried a clue - 'la Guerre' - twice. TWO wars - although due to the change in written language over the last half a millennium, we have to look at the ORIGINAL spelling - two WAUGHS.

The quatrains were all about cricket.

Let's look at one of these quatrains and see whether we can cast a whole new light upon it.

A great King taken by the hands of a young man,
Not far from Easter confusion knife thrust:
Everlasting captive times what lightning on the top,
When three brothers will wound each other and murder.

There are many clues contained within these four, simple lines.

"A great King" is obviously His Most Regal Left-Handedness, Sourav Ganguly, currently captaining India against Australia. The second half of the first line, "taken by the hands of a young man", indicates that he will not be bowled but caught - it is important to remember that fact.

So, the interpretation of line 1 is simply "Ganguly caught"

Now let's look at the second line.

"Not far from Easter confusion knife thrust"

A straightforward cryptic clue, you would think - an anagram, perhaps? Well, an anagram of 'Easter' has a cricketing meaning - 'Eaters', an obvious reference to Inzy or Ian Blackwell or even Andrew Flintoff, but of course this test series is between Australia and India.

"Not far from Easter" could be Good Friday. It is customary for Christians to eat fish on Good Friday - and fish have GILLS - these were known as 'Gilles' in 16th Century France.

"Confusion knife thrust" - a 'Confusion' is a mixture, so we require a mixture you would thrust a knife into. Well, what better, tastier mixture than a pie - requiring a knife to cut it?

Which gives us just one word - "Gillespie"

The third line is slightly trickier.

"Everlasting captive times what lightning on the top".

Here, we have a fine example of Nostradamus at his most devious. "Everlasting" - well, the first test with all its rain interruptions seemed to go on for ever, so it could be that. Alternatively, the phrase "Everlasting captive times" could indicate 'held for ever' - and that is precisely what happens when a batsman is dismissed. It is down in the scorebook for good. No third umpire, no nothing. Out, begone.

"What lightning on the top" - this is a clear indication that the ball which dismissed him was acting 'like a top' - spinning - and this is emphasised by the two leading words where Nostradamus says "What lightning" - in other words, it has to be one delivered by a BIG spinner of the ball, one who can impart an uncanny number of revolutions.

There is but one candidate in this series so we get the following - bowled MacGill.

And so to the fourth and final line.

"When three brothers will wound each other and murder".

Nostradamus frequently uses this kind of line to indicate a number. Usually it is a date, sometimes something a little more cryptic. Conflicts between several members of the same family are the sort of thing that Shakespeare wrote about in his plays about giving the French a good pasting - and this sort of play is referred to as a 'tragedy'. Ganguly's dismissal could be described thus - he was, for example, just 237 shy of setting a new world record.

We have to look a little deeper. The brothers 'wound each other and murder'. Even in 16th century France, this kind of activity was frowned upon. More to the point, it was thought of as something so unwholesome and despicable that it ought to really be referred to as 'gross'.

Now, a 'gross' is a number - precisely 144

So there you have it - from beyond the grave.

Ganguly c Gillespie b MacGill 144

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Clive Lloyd was not happy, Murali was not happy, Nasser was not happy - and more to the point, the international media were not happy. They were arguably the unhappiest of all - for their cameras failed to pick up the entire exchange between the erstwhile England skipper, now relegated to bit-part player, and Muttiah Muralitharan, the man with the prehensile eyes.

Today, Cricket Web can reveal that it was all a terrible misunderstanding - and you are the first to know.

Kumar Dharmasena had just been dismissed following a troublesome 76 run partnership which had kept England in the field for a little over two hours either side of lunch. In marched Murali, eyes a-popping - and a supposed confrontation between himself and Nasser Hussain occurred.

But it was not as it seemed.

During the lunch break, Murali was doing the crossword in the Kandy Times - taking his mind off what awaited him when the ninth wicket went down - the ferocious Ashley Giles at his firiest. There were just three clues to go - and as the first prize was a lifetime's supply of tea, Murali enlisted the help of Hussain.

Nasser made a note of the clues :

5 Across : Dim, twisted sheep (3)

16 Down : Evergreen brethren carried beer (6)

and

21 Across : Time for polo? (6)

and went away to think about them whilst having a nice cup of coffee. When it was time to take the field, Murali was nowhere to be found. He was still stuck on the clues and had found a nice, quiet corner to whimper in.

As soon as Murali came out to bat, Nasser caught the great off-spinner's eye (not difficult - they stick out about a foot) and smiled politely. Murali asked "Did you sort out those clues, Nasser?"

to which he received the following reply :

"Ewe, Firkin, Chukka".

True, I promise you.

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Surgeons at the Groote Schuur Hospital, Cape Town, have once again stunned the world. In 1967, Professor Christiaan Barnard announced that he had just carried out the world's first heart transplant. The recipient, Louis Washkansky, survived 18 days before succumbing to preumonia.

Now, 36 years after that historical event comes the announcement that Doctor Knyphen Fawke, an eminent South African neurosurgeon, has succeeded in transplanting a human brain for the first time.

In a bizarre twist, the donor, Andre Nel of Germiston, Transvaal, is reported to be alive and well and convalescing in Johannesburg, although he seems to have lost control of his tongue.

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Cricket Web Competition - Who am I?

1. I once played a cricket match when I didn't act like an idiot.

2. In 1998, I visited Egremont, Cumbria, and was crowned World Gurning Champion. What was surprising was that I did not enter the competition.

3. My entry in Who's Who lists my hobbies as "striking matches, helping old ladies half-way across dual-carriageways and zimmer-frame sabotage".

4. My childhood heroes are Genghis Khan and Attila The Hun.

5. My REAL childhood hero is Peter Pan - 'The boy who never grew up'.

6. I am a good bowler.

7. I have never been sent home from a tour of Tasmania for drink-driving.

8. I was not found guilty of smoking naughty substances on a tour of the West Indies.

9. My mum loves me.

10. Numbers (1) and (6) above are true.


Posted by Eddie