Steve Waugh - exclusive

This column has been derived from the hugely popular forum figure Devil Ducky, masterminded by Cricket Web's resident psychopath John 'Eddie' Sanders

I should like to think that Cricket Web would never sink so low as to actually bug someone else's interview with a modern icon of the game, and then, to compound matters, to actually PUBLISH the entire interview concerned without prior arrangement in total, flagrant disregard of all the laws of common decency, to say nothing of copyright legislation - and before the originators of the idea have had a chance to make anything out of their undoubted scoop, so here it is.

Steve Waugh has given an interview about his future to 'Reader's Digest'. The interview will be published in a forthcoming issue of the magazine, but as usual Cricket Web are there first. We bring you this exclusive interview - in full - courtesy of a concealed microphone which our sound man, Arthur X, accidentallyish 'dropped' into a vase of geraniums which just 'happened' to be there at the time a bit honestly officer. I appreciate that for a Reader's Digest article it does tend to go on a bit, but there you are.

*interviewer*: "Steve - you are 38 now. How long do you think you can go on playing international cricket?"
*SW*: "Ages."
*interviewer*: "Really?"
*SW*: "Yes."
*interviewer*: "Thanks."
*SW*: "Bye."

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Born on the 18th of April, 1867, Thomas Routledge played four times for South Africa before the start of the 20th century. What was unusual about Routledge was that he was born in Liverpool, which leads me nicely on to my next topic.

Liverpool has been chosen as 'European City of Culture' for 2008, beating off the efforts of Gateshead, Cardiff and Birmingham amongst others.

Liverpool is home to the world's largest collection of hub-caps and the world's smallest collection of cricketers.

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Australian coach John Buchanan has revealed his six-point plan aimed at continuing his side's domination of world cricket. He said "We have to adopt 'best practice' methods, and if that means using techniques from other sports, so be it."

When pressed for further details, he revealed that the Aussies are looking to take advantage of the signalling techniques in baseball, the psychology of sport and modern technology.

Wavell Hinds has just struck the ball through midwicket. Brett Lee hares after it, flicks it back to Ricky Ponting who, in turn, hurls the ball back towards Adam Gilchrist. Brian Lara, running towards the danger end, suddenly sees Andrew Symonds applying a new layer of sunblock to his already ample lips. Lara, dazzled by the white flash, wanders off in the direction of square leg and is promptly run out. Andy Bichel accompanies incoming batsman Ramnaresh Sarwan to the wicket whilst hopping on one leg and alternating between patting his head and rubbing his stomach. Glenn McGrath correctly interprets the signal and switches on the 'Auto-sledge' machine to intimidate the batsman remotely as he walks back to his mark.

When you've already got techniques like that, why do you need to change?

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Steve Harmison has leapt to the defence of Nasser Hussain in the face of scathing volley of criticism of the England test skipper aimed from the general direction of ex-England captains who happen to write for the Daily Mirror.

Steve said "It's not true that the reason that Nasser fields at mid-off to right-handers when I'm bowling is because I'm now deaf in my right ear from the time he used to stand at mid-on." He went on to add "I value his advice, and I resent the accusation that I need him to tell me what to do all the time. Isn't that right, Mister Hussain?"

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Ten years ago this week, Shane Warne bowled 'that ball' to Mike Gatting. I asked Warney all about it yesterday when I bumped into him outside the Chemist's.

"Yes, I remember it well. To tell the truth, England were on top at the time. They had the world's greatest-ever spinner, Peter Such, making his debut for them at the time and he had bowled us out in the first innings. Such was unplayable. It was the greatest performance I had ever seen from an offie. 6-67, we'll never see his sort again.

"Anyway, the skipper threw me the ball. Goochie and Athers had just put on 71 for the first wicket and Alan Border decided that we ought to play for a draw so he said 'keep it tight'. I thought 'If Gatting can't reach it, he can't hit it' so I dibbed it somewhere in the general direction of Ken Palmer.

"The delivery hit this rip in the space-time continuum and pinged Mike Gatting's off stick. Something I'd been working on in the nets, of course. What's Suchie doing nowadays? I could do with some tips."

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June 1, 2003 may well go down in history as 'Australia's blackest day for centuries', but where does the problem lie? A nine wicket defeat at the hands of the West Indies continued the Aussies' unhappy losing streak. It was their third defeat in as many games - the first time that had happened against the same team since 1997 when England were victorious.

A few well-known observers had this to say:

"The boys look really tired and jaded. One of these will soon pick them up." - Shane Warne's mum

"Well, of course the blame for this lies fairly and squarely on the shoulders of the captain, Nasser Hussain. Fast bowlers don't need treatment like that. Let them get on with it." - Ian Botham

"Well, the problem with the one-day squad is that the captain is not the test captain. Sack Steve Waugh now. He never was any good, and he certainly shouldn't be let anywhere near the one-day side. He should have been replaced as one-day captain after the South African series in 2002. Not only that, he should never have been appointed in the first place. And Ponting's too closely associated with Steve Waugh, who I suspect just might be Jack The Ripper anyway. He's rubbish. David Hookes could captain this side better." - David Hookes

"The day Steve Waugh handed over the captaincy of the budding orchid that was ultimately to bloom in the land of the proteas, a comet of joy streaked through the cosmos of my heart. Whither the foul stench of the stinkweed of defeat? Banished to the nether regions of the dank, soulless abyss that is the domain of the ogre that is self-doubt. Festoons, the garlands filleth mine eyes with tears of joy whenever I behold the unfettered beauty of Gillespie's caress behind square stealing the single and rotating the bountiful strike as onward they press, onward, always onward, searching, striving to metamorphose this beautiful game to a higher plane. The broad-leafed palms sway as if in unison with the rhythm of Mother Earth herself, stooping low towards the domain of Neptune as the waves lap restlessly upon the shoreline that is to become the lower middle order in search of the glorious boundary that causes my heart to leap as if in avoidance of the aforementioned comet. It is not a comet - it is a meteorite hell-bent upon the destruction of the side. Like the dinosaurs before them, this Australian side will be extinguished as a fluttering, flickering meagre candle that has become a wan beacon, more of despair than hope. I'm sorry, what was the question again?" - Navjot Singh Sidhu

"I agree with Hookesey - apart from the fact that I think the best player to have as captain would be a fast bowler. Tall, blond, lightning-quick - someone like that. I mean, age should be no restriction. I'd go for someone a little more mature - say, 52 years old and with a couple of hundred test wickets." - Jeff Thomson



Posted by Eddie