Eastern European Special

This column has been derived from the hugely popular forum figure Devil Ducky, masterminded by Cricket Web's resident psychopath John 'Eddie' Sanders

Our Eastern European correspondent, Krakin Slypkatch, tells me that cricket is thriving in places such as Croatia, Estonia and Slovenia. It is the latter we concentrate on today.

The Slovenian team compete in the Austrian League, and their home matches were played in the picturesque town of Valburga. Unfortunately, facilities were sparse so a further search was undertaken for a venue closer to Slovenia's capital which would facilitate the expansion of the game within that beautiful country.

With much help from Ljubljana City Council, a new site has been secured at Studenec, in the west of the city. The club stated that the new incarnation of Ljubljana Cricket Club is to be at the city's psychiatric hospital. A good start, guys - just like the MCC at Lord's.

Morton Cricket Club from Edinburgh, Scotland, recently paid them a visit, playing three days of cricket over the Easter weekend. Sadly, no-one seems to know the result, but that's hardly surprising. Slovenia has a lot in common with Scotland. Isn't Slovenia where monks make a pear brandy with a difference, cleverly growing a pear INSIDE the bottle? Many Scots I know could equate to that.

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Sky TV's 'Mister Misery', Bob Willis, celebrated his 54th birthday this week. Bob, the scourge of the Aussies in 1981 at Headingley, adopted 'Dylan' as his middle name as a tribute to a lifelong hero. It could have been worse. He could have chosen 'Zebedee' , 'Ermintrude' or even 'Mister Rusty'. On reflection, perhaps the last one would have matched his latest hair colour.

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One name dominates the England squad recently named for the NatWest Challenge against Pakistan and the NatWest Series for the triangular series against South Africa and Zimbabwe - that of one Jim Troughton.

Jim, the grandson of actor Patrick Troughton - the second incarnation of BBC TV's 'Doctor Who' - was understandably thrilled when I spoke to him about his selection. "I'm off to the pub to celebrate with my favourite drink - a 'Sonic Screwdriver'." he said whilst taking family pet 'K9' for a walk.

It is not known at this time whether South Africa are considering recalling arch-enemy Lance Davros to counter the threat. Pakistan's Shoaib 'Cyberman' Akhtar will not be available for the first game against England as he is currently invading Troughton's home planet Gallifrey.

(That's enough 'Doctor Who' gags - Webmaster)

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A report in a Pakistani newspaper has claimed that Abdul Razzaq's omission from the Pakistan NatWest Challenge squad to play England was because of an 'attitude problem'. I caught up with the player himself at Shenley where Middlesex are currently entertaining Zimbabwe.

Taking his thumb out of his mouth, Razzaq told Cricket Web "There's no truth in the rumour at all - a complete and utter fabrication of the truth. I am a professional cricketer and I take great pride in playing for my club and country."

When Middlesex skipper Andy Strauss was dismissed for a duck, Razzaq, who was not named in the starting eleven, shouted "Ha ha, yah boo sucks!"

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The Board of Control for Cricket in Sri Lanka have gone and done it now. They have recognised that, on the face of it, the playing standards of the Sri Lankan test match and ODI sides are in steady decline, but have they really come up with a workable solution?.

If the same were true of (picking another test-playing nation totally at random) say Pakistan, they would just sack the current coach and re-appoint Javed Miandad (unless the month is May or June, in which case it's Miandad's turn already).

The Sri Lankan approach is a novel one, in so far as it is one which cricket supporters the world over have been calling for for years. Going right back to the 1960's, cricket supporters would reflect on the state of the game and vent their feelings :

"Mike Smith? I wouldn't pay him in washers!".
"What do you mean? He's an amateur."
"There you go, then."

The next game comes along and of course the selectors haven't taken the slightest bit of notice. Mike Smith's still playing, he's still rubbish and what's more, he's now the captain. Well, weep no more, fellow antagonists. Sri Lanka are about to introduce PRP (that's performance-related pay). Which means, of course, they're going to need a Payroll Department.

"Ah, come in, Mr. Russel Arnold. Can I help you?"

(RA) "Yes, it's about my pay-packet. It's 75 dollars short this month."

"Cast your mind back to the World Cup match against New Zealand."

(RA) "And?"

"Well, you are in the side as a bowler, are you not?"

(RA) "All-rounder."

(giggles) "Yes, all-rounder, and as such you are contracted to bowl ten overs in a game."

(RA) "But...."

"No buts, Mr. Arnold. It clearly states in your Contract of Employment under paragraph 271, clause 53, sub-paragraph (q) that - and I quote..."

(RA) "Look, this is ridiculous. I don't care what it says there. We bowled them out. I got Scott Styris for 141. His was the last wicket to fall..."

"I'm sorry, but rules are rules. You only bowled 8.3 overs, you were SUPPOSED to bowl 10. It can't be any clearer."

(RA) "I would have, but they were all out in the 46th over. Chaminda Vaas..."

"I'll be speaking with Mr. Vaas later. He had a job-sharing arrangement for that game with Mr. Dilhara Fernando. They split their collective ten overs perfectly amicably, and as such are eligible for additional productivity payments. Thank you, close the door on your way out. Could you ask Mr. Jayasuriya to come in, please?"

(sound of door slamming, followed by a loud CRASH, not unlike the noise made by a bat being hurled through a dressing-room window. The door opens again.)

"Sanath - the New Zealand game."

(SJ) "Yes?"

"There's a little, er, miscalculation on your motoring expense claim form."

(SJ) "Pardon?"

"You scored 120 in the match - that's lovely. Now, of the 14 boundaries, how many of those actually involved you driving?"


Posted by Eddie