Dominic Cork in the dock

We take you straight over to Lord's where the ECB Disciplinary Committee are having a fine lunch before deciding what to do with Dominic Cork. Present are Lord Stuffy, Colonel Grump and Tim Lamb and once again our sound man, Arthur X, has managed to bug the conversation.

Lord Stuffy: I say, Bunty...
Colonel Grump: Yes, old man?

LS: What ARE we going to do about this?
CG: Shoaib up to his tricks again?

LS: No, that arrogant fellow from Derbyshire
CG: Geoff Miller? Fine chap. Good ECB man now.

Tim Lamb: I think that Lord Stuffy means Dominic Cork, Colonel.
CG: Capital chap. Put the wind up those West Indian chappies a few weeks ago if I remember rightly - hat trick, bags of runs.

TL: 1995, Colonel.
CG: No, I can distinctly recall that it was before lunch.

LS: I'll take it from here, Rice. Colonel.... Bunty... Damn. His batteries must be flat. Ah no, his hearing aid's just switched itself off again (flicks switch).
LS: Colonel...
CG: There's no need to shout, old bean. Now where was I?

Wine Waiter: Gentlemen, we have a very nice Chablis today. Can I bring you a bottle?
All: Three, please.

LS: As I was saying, this chap Cork. Can you remember the precise details, Rice?
TL: Yes. Apparently, there was a little, er, contretemps at Leicester the other week. Fielder carried the ball over the boundary...
CG: NOT OUT!

TL: That was Cork's argument, but the umpires.... ah, here's the wine.
Wine Waiter: Gentlemen
All: Thank you.

TL: As I was saying, the umpires said 'out'. Apparently this fellow Brad Hodge...
CG: Brad Hogg? Fine fellow for an Australian - good spin bowler. Never struck me as the kind of Johnny who would cheat - not like that McGr...

TL: (interrupts) No, this is a different one - Australian, yes, spin bowler, yes, but Hodge

CG: Hogg. What I said. Remember Rodney Hogg. Nearly made me spill my brandy as he threw his weight around at Edgbaston back in '81. Poor loser...
TL: H-O-D-G-E. Very confusing.

LS: We'd better exonerate him from all blame. Can't have the ECB looking a fool, getting a chap mixed up with another chap.
TL: Well, Cork then went to the Daily Mail and compounded the issue by repeating the 'cheat' allegations

CG: Dashed poor show. So this Cork fellow's obviously guilty. Can't have us looking silly asses. Not good for the Empire.
TL: Agreed.But he has won test matches for us in the past - at Lord's too.

LS: A fine? Say ten guineas? What say you, Timmy?
TL: Money's just not got the value any more. Let's make it 500 quid and the same in costs. Now how's about a suspension?

LS: Two matches?
CG: Why not three?

TL: Why do you say three?
CG: Just so you fellows know that I'm listening, but let's suspend it. Dashed bad show, moaning to the papers. What's wrong with a letter to The Times ?

All: Agreed.
LS: Let's get this over then. Cork, Hodge, have you got a minute?

All: (They all take a sip of their wine, choke and splutter before spraying it all over the table). WAITER...
Wine Waiter: Sirs?

All: This Whine is Corked


Stop Press.....

Brad Hodge is currently contemplating legal action over the 'Cheat' allegations. Looks like someone else is going to be taunted over the incident very soon.

Be very afraid, Brad.

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One thing about Graeme Smith - you've got to give him credit for er, I'll come in again.

South Africa's inspirational young leader Graeme Smith has one thing going for him - no, that's no good either.

From the day Graeme Smith was appointed to the captaincy, he has never been afraid to stamp his authority on proceedings (Keep going, DD. You're on a roll.) - to show people who's the boss, that he's a man not to be trifled with.

First, we had the Lance Klusener Memorial Breakfast, more recently the 'We aim to inflict mental scars on England' diatribe. As some small consolation, it seems as though South Africa can take one positive out of the almighty thrashings at the hands of England in the last couple of games in the Natwest Series - the naked, Corky-like aggression of Andre Nel.

It seems that the Proteas have a man who is prepared to fight fire with fire, a bowler who is not prepared to go quietly, a fellow who seems to have all the right stuff when it comes to standing toe-to-toe and slugging it out with England's young guns.

Unfortunately for South Africa, Andre is now heading back to Northants instead of Edgbaston for the first test. One must presume that he's managed to get up someone's nose - and I don't just mean the English batsmen.

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Clarkewatch, dateline 12 July, 2003

Venue : Lord's
Event : The NatWest Series Final, England v (chuckle) South Africa

Fielding

12th over, Jacques Kallis clips a ball from Gough firmly to gulley. Clarke makes a fine diving stop.

Bowling

None

Batting

None

Season to date

Remains on 2.9 on the Rikkiter scale with no sign of the skin re-forming on the rice pudding.

Last match

By default, an average performance. Didn't bat, didn't bowl, fielded the ball once. Let's say he did everything which was asked of him. The 2.9 magnitude Clarkequake is just strong enough to rattle cups on a high shelf provided their handles are touching.

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Product Review - Wicket 2004 by DD Sports

(any similarity to any product due to be released in November 2003 is purely coincidental).

When I was asked to review Wicket 2004 I thought 'Ho hum. Just another all-action cricket game. When are the games manufacturers going to realise that there is more to cricket than batting, bowling and fielding?'.

Finally, after minutes of waiting patiently, I went round to the shed where the DD Sports headquarters is situated, walked in and removed my development copy - er, sorry, I rang the company concerned and it was delivered by courier. So - what's it all about?

The game loads fairly quickly following three or four re-boots and a new 256 MB graphics card. A fairly low specification machine is the minimum requirement - a 3 Gig processor and 768 Meg of RAM will be ample to play the basic game.

There is the usual comprehensive installation guide - like all true games players, you must ignore the documentation - leave it in the box or better still, throw it away.

The desktop icon sums the game up perfectly - a stylised graphic of Ehsan Mani seemingly strangling Malcolm Gray with a World Cup 2003 banner gives the correct impression. This is no mere game of conflicts, a battle of wills - this is much more - this is Wicket 2004.

So - on to the game. There are three levels - 'Beginner', 'Intermediate' and 'Where's My Lawyer?' Don't bother with the two lower levels (especially if you have burned the instruction manual) but go straight to 'Advanced' - you won't regret it.

You will be prompted to register the product online immediately after setting your selected level. Don't worry about this - just enter your credit card or bank details together with your email address and the software will automatically scan your hard drive for any, er, intriguing or embarrassing sites you might have visited. DON'T PANIC - this is just for game-playing purposes and is required for paying off bookmakers, the Mafia or just general blackmail which you will shortly encounter. Your REAL account is quite safe until the banks close this weekend.

Your choice of teams to manage is comprehensive - all the usual test-playing nations together with Italy, although I suppose this may be something to do with the aforementioned Mafia connection. The following 'special' characters or scenarios are only available to you for the given country (there may be others - you will have to look for them) :

Australia - David Hookes, Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson will continually berate you for any decision you make and call for your dismissal. Ignore them for as long as you can, although I'm not sure whether they ever go away. You will occasionally encounter 'The Chemist' or 'Shane's Mum' - I'm not sure what these do yet but some of my squad found themselves unable to play for quite some time.

England - Bob Willis will do nothing of any use, and Ian Botham will talk about his period as England captain. If this happens, just click on 'How many games did you win as skipper, Ian?' but do not move your on-field captain towards Harmison (if selected) during game play.

India - Bookmakers galore. Be sure to avoid these at all costs unless you have previously submitted a 'pitch report' - this facility is available to other nations but only to certain characters within a side. Your left-arm seamer will rise rapidly up the rankings on the basis of a single one-day international performance, but do not select anyone called Ajit against Australia.

Playing restrictions :

New Zealand - For some reason, the Kiwis will not travel to Kenya. Similarly for Zimbabwe v England and any game between India and Pakistan.

Umpires :

You are presented with a choice of spectacles and hats for most umpires, but one called 'Asoka' refuses to wear any glasses at all. Beware - when he is officiating, he only responds to sounds. Select bowlers whose 'Appeal Length' characteristic is set to 17 or over - preferably in conjunction with 'Appeal Volume' of an even higher value. If your bowlers have 'sore throat' or 'a bit of a cough' characteristics enabled and cannot function adequately, be sure to click on 'Multiple Appeal' - especially if your key spin bowler has exceptionally large eyes.

The one called 'Simon' must be given the largest hat possible. He suffers from SERIOUS sunburn (even in winter) and as such must be protected from harmful rays at all times or his performance will suffer.

Certain umpires ARE programmable - the one called 'Shep' performs an amusing dance at frequent intervals. This can be modified a little regarding 'number of legs to be raised' - set this to maximum when he is holding at least four sweaters and enjoy the results.

Programming of 'Billy' is very flexible. Try coming up with a signal for 'The non-striking batsman is wearing odd socks today - you can tell that his mum doesn't do his washing any more' - it is possible, I assure you, but requires no less than thirteen distinct movements.

Bowlers :

A fun facility with bowlers is 'hyper-extension' - see how high you can turn this before the bowler is 'no-balled' for throwing. My record is 46 degrees, although I have only tried it when certain umpires are officiating and not at all for a bowler called 'Brett'.

The ICC :

Do NOT cross these babies. Whatever request or decision you make, no matter how sensible at first sight, it will be instantly rejected or overturned. If you had the approval of your country's Cricket Board beforehand, their support will instantly evaporate as soon as the ICC rule. DO NOT APPEAL. (see 'Mafia').

Playing a match :

Unfortunately, this is the one aspect of the game which appears to be missing. Still, that's a relatively unimportant omission.

LE Rating - 2/10
Cricket Web rating - 3/10
DD Rating - 25/10

Overall - 10/10 and this year's 'Best Buy'






Posted by Eddie