Doughnut Award

What is it about awards that captures the imagination of the public? Everyone wants to know who will win the BAFTAs, the GRAMMYs, the OSCARs and the like. Well, there's a new kid on the block - the monthly CricketWeb Doughnut Award.

This month's nominations are :
1. Lynn McConnell
2. Giles Clarke
3. Adrian Pierson
4. Ryan Sidebottom

A few words on each (all right, a lot of words on each) :

Firstly, a learned lady who goes by the name of Lynn McConnell recently published an article entitled "Out-of-date seedings paint false picture of tournament" about the next ICC Champion's Trophy.

She bemoans the draw, which was based on 'old' world rankings and is as follows :

Pool A - Australia, New Zealand, Zimbabwe
Pool B - South Africa, West Indies, Kenya
Pool C - Sri Lanka, England, Bangladesh
Pool D - Pakistan, India, Netherlands

Saying : "In each of the four pools there will only be one relevant game, with two non-events being played out involving the tournament minnows".
Lynn suggests the following draw (based on 'current' rankings) :

Pool A - Australia, England, Zimbabwe
Pool B - South Africa, New Zealand, Kenya
Pool C - Pakistan, West Indies, Bangladesh
Pool D - Sri Lanka, India, Netherlands.

Subtle, eh? Does away with all the 'non-event' games at a stroke. Incidentally, World Cup 2003 had the following 'irrelevant' games based upon the rankings :

Bangladesh v Canada (Canada won by 60 runs)
Kenya v Sri Lanka (Kenya won by 53 runs)
Kenya v Zimbabwe (Kenya won by 7 wickets)

Oh, yes. It also does away with 'Australia v New Zealand' at the group stage.

Lynn McConnell is New Zealand editor for Cricinfo.

(What's that you say, Lynn McConnell is a BLOKE? Sorry about that, but it explains everything. Just because you've had a lifetime of Mickey-taking doesn't mean that you can take it out on the ICC. Oh, all right, it does. Just forget what I said).



Whilst on the subject of people having their own ideas of right and wrong, a certain person who shall remain anonymous has passed on a rather worrying message from the official Somerset County Cricket Club website.
The message, from Mr Giles Clarke, states that the club "... will not countenance in responding to silly and sometimes mischievous gossip emanating from other local websites."

He goes on to say "Thankfully, a vast majority of site users are purely interested in what the Club has to say officially." which is quite clever and astute of them, because there doesn't appear to be a 'feedback' mechanism on the site.

Furthermore, Mr Clarke also claims a regular '40,000 - 80,000 visitors a month' and claims 1.5 million visitors last year. That means that the official site is likely to lose around half a million visitors this year alone.

The reason it's a worrying message? Well, if their current encouraging rate of increase in visitor numbers continues, there won't be anyone left in 2005 - and we wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Hang on. Only 'sometimes mischievous'?



"An Englishman's crease is his castle - and I'll stay here as long as I choose". So goes the old poem - and it sprang to mind when I heard that Derbyshire had appealed against their defeat in the Twenty20 cup at Leicester.

The incident in question occurred during the 19th over of the game as Derbyshire were chasing a victory which would have pipped Leicestershire for top spot in the Northern division and seen them safely through to the Finals Day at Trent Bridge.

Steve Selwood went for a big one, but was caught five yards inside the boundary at long-on by Brad Hodge. "Oh, bad luck sir!" Hodge then decided to go on a bit of a walkabout. He took five or six bounds backwards in celebration, then hopped over the boundary ropes before jogging around for a few seconds.

The umpires conferred - in their opinion, the catch had been made fairly and squarely well before Hodge's unnecessary prancing, dancing and generally acting of the fool. There was uproar. "He was over the line. He was OVER THE LINE."

Derbyshire appealed against the appeal - "OUT - now don't be silly." Grudgingly, they continued - without Selwood and, more to the point, without the six runs. A few moments later, it was all over. Derbyshire had required six off the last ball - and managed to score four, losing by one run. Bad luck, Derbyshire, well played, Leicestershire.

Now Derbyshire coach Adrian Pierson is not a man to take defeat easily, no sir. Especially one against Leicestershire, one of his former counties. "I'm telling Tim" he said. And he did. "Derbyshire took their appeal to the highest court in the land - the ECB.

Tim Lamb took time out from his part-time job as adviser to the European Court of Justice at the Hague, choked back a caviar vol-au-vent and in a loud, booming voice told Radio 5's listener "The laws of the game are quite clear. The catch was taken cleanly and fairly (more Buck's Fizz, please, Bunty). Where will it all end if we allow this appeal?"

Where indeed.

For a start, Trevor Chappell should have to bowl that final delivery to Brian McKechnie OVERARM.
Secondly, Bill Brown should not have been given out when Vinoo Mankad ran him out at the non-strikers end without prior warning in 1947. I would seriously consider replaying the game from that point onwards.
Thirdly, the Australian No 8, Sammy Jones, was clearly not attempting a run when WG Grace enticed him out of his ground then broke the wicket. The bad feeling this caused makes me believe that the entire 1882 test series should be replayed.

Corky compounded the situation a couple of days later by publicly calling Brad Hodge a 'cheat', then launching into a verbal tirade against Tim Lamb - an outburst which has resulted in the Derbyshire skipper being called before the ECB disciplinary committee for public execution on July 14th. And they said that Twenty20 was going to be a bit of fun.


Lastly, there is the 'Sidebottom affair'. This type of story is the stuff of legend, or will be when I have embellished it a little. Now please understand that I did not see the incident concerned, so some (if not all) of the facts may not be accurate. Still, when has that stopped me in the past?

Apparently, in the recent game between Nottinghamshire and Yorkshire in the Twenty20 cup, the umpires 'called' Chris Silverwood for over-stepping. Ryan Sidebottom was NOT the bowler concerned, remember that. He was wandering aimlessly somewhere in the outfield, say, long-on.

Anyway, after a no-ball in Twenty20, the next ball is designated a 'free hit' - you cannot be bowled or caught or LBW or dismissed for anything short of Umpircide. Yorkshire skipper changed the field around as is his wont, Silverwood charged in again and the batsman gave it a bit of stick.

The ball sailed high, wide and handsome - the batsmen ran one whilst the ball was in the air. Now Ryan Sidebottom's headbanging locks sometimes get in his eyes, but on this occasion they must have affected his hearing as well.

Anyway, Ryan safely pouched the catch (remember, it was a free hit) and in celebration, hurled the ball skywards again. The batsmen siezed their opportunity and ran another two whilst someone was explaining the rules regarding 'free hits' again to the unfortunate Sidebottom. The only pity is, it didn't affect the result. Yorkshire won easily.


And this month's winner is : Ryan Sidebottom (whether it was true or not).

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Television. Where would the game be without it? When they first started showing cricket on the TV, that was what you got. A camera at each end, a commentary team which said "Oh, I say" rather a lot and an informed conversation about cakes. How things have changed.

First we had the 'Telestrator', that delightful piece of apparatus which allowed messrs Willis and Botham to draw pretty lines and diagrams on your TV screen (usually in the wrong place - and ALWAYS at the wrong time).

Then we had 'Hawkeye' which clearly allows you to determine the path which the ball would have taken if the batsman had not been there (or in the case of certain English players, the path the ball would have taken DESPITE the batsman's presence).

The next development in the game which came along was the use of many, many more camera angles which the 'Third Umpire' can now tap into in order to assist him regarding the more difficult decisions (cream puff or Danish pastry?). This is, of course, of limited benefit regarding run-outs, since all the available images are always cleverly obscured by the wicket-keeper, one or more fielders or Billy Bowden's semophore.

Well, here at Cricket Web, we are proud to unveil our own contribution to the use of modern technology in the world of cricket. After years of painstaking research at collossal expense, we are proud to unveil for the first time, the 'Clarkeometer'.

The machine readout, calibrated up to 10 on the Rikkiter scale, will give you at a glance an indication of how some of your favourites have performed in the previous game and in the year to date (currently, we plan to continue trials using just Rikki Clarke as guinea-pig, but it may be extended to other players in the future).

A week or more ago, our Rikki, striving to be thought of at the 'new Agarkar' as opposed to just the 'new Botham', toughed it out for England at Trent Bridge.

Batting : Scored a valuable lifetime-best 23. However, he did play an awful premeditated shot to get out at the death.

Fielding : His splendid catch, unhesitatingly diving forward to dismiss Doug Marillier off Goughie, would have encouraged his dentist that a couple of crowns or even dentures might soon be required. Next over, he narrowly missed picking up Travis Friend off Johnson, a flashing edge just evading Rikki's fingertips. Not really a chance. In Gough's next over, a nasty delivery is fended off by Friend. Our man takes a simple catch. Later still, another straightforward catch at long off gave Johnson a third wicket. Safe hands indeed. His ground fielding was good, and he should have had a run-out if Ashley Giles knew what the phrase "Get behind the stumps" meant.

Bowling : Cleverly varied his length between full toss and long hop.

Season to date : 1.8 - barely enough to trouble the skin on a rice pudding.
Last match : 3.4 - one of the strongest Clarkequakes to hit the country this year, sufficient to worry goats and crack the surface at Trent Bridge.

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The ECB gave Derbyshire County Cricket Club a right telling-off a fortnight ago regarding the standard of the pitch which was produced for the Twenty20 game against Nottinghamshire, who managed to get themselves bowled out for 94.

If they incur the wrath of the pitch inspectors again within the next 12 months, severe penalties will ensue. These could include loss of points, having to play games away, being burned at the stake and so on. Derbyshire's groundsman made a big issue of the weather, bemoaning the dry spring and the tropical summer (well, two days of sun anyway).

Funnily enough, a few days later, Derbyshire's local rivals Nottinghamshire hosted the first NatWest Trophy game at Trent Bridge on a pitch which looked more like the surface of the Moon than one fit for international cricket. Funnily enough, Notts' groundsman blamed the weather.

One law for the rich and one for the poor?

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Waqar Younis, never a man to mince words, has hit the nail on the head (which makes a change from hitting batsmen on the head). Last week, he said "It's ridiculous Shoaib coming out in the papers saying he's going to do this or do that", adding "... then he has the nerve to compare himself to Glenn McGrath. He was saying that if he had been born Australian, he would have taken more wickets than McGrath. It might have been better for Pakistan had he been born Australian."

Now, I have two reflections to make on the above outburst. Firstly, leave the funnies to the duck. Secondly, credit where credit's due. 'Ridiculous Shoaib' is an excellent nickname.

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Billy Bowden has come in for more than a little criticism regarding his extravagant signalling recently (at least from Sky TV's Bob 'Grumpy' Willis), but he's just following on in the tradition of flamboyant umpires which we have come to expect in the last 30 years.

Dickie Bird : "I'm sorry, lads. We've got to go off. The batteries have gone in my light meter and I can see a cloud on the horizon."
Shakoor Rana : "Oh yes, indeed, Mister Gatting. You most certainly DID spill your boiled egg this morning. Look. There it is - on your chest."
David Shepherd : "You put your left leg in, your left leg out...."

Well, Billy has unveiled a couple of new ones in recent days.

First of all, we had the one where he positioned both hands in the accepted 'I am holding a large western saloon spitoon in front of my face and someone has bet that I daren't take a swig' position, before making a protracted 'drinky drinky drinky drinky' gesture towards the dressing room. The reason it took so long to complete was that the contents of the invisible spitoon were all one lump (sorry).

What about that 'leg-bye' signal, though? One of the more sensuous moments of the recent England v South Africa clash. No more the manly 'slappa-my-thigh' type of signal. Nope, not from Billy. Here we have a man who is proud to be the game's new sex symbol. He found his inner thigh with his right hand and enjoyed the moment, lingering awhile. The only way it could get any more risque is if he wore a slit skirt, a feather boa and sang 'Old Fashioned Girl' a la Eartha Kitt.

Finally, we come to the 'third umpire' request. I knew I had seen that move somewhere before, but it took me ages to remember where. Finally, I came up with the answer - it was in the film 'The Seven Samurai'. The hero confronts the bad guy armed with two swords. He severs his head (twice - just for good measure), chops down on both shoulders to remove the arms then finally, for good measure, cuts both legs off.

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So - how is 'new kid on the block' Simon Taufel going to make a name for himself in the game? The cowboy hat's good - keep that. So is the totally impassive look (although don't overdo it - that's Ashocker de Silva's gimmick). Chewing tobacco - that's a good one, although for the more health-conscious umpire, try beef jerky or buffalo hide. It's a little less messy, but still in keeping with the western theme.

What to do when a bowler appeals?

If it's not out then draw yourself up to your full height, spit and say (in your best John Wayne accent) "The hell it is!"

If it's out, then obviously you spit again and tell the batsman (also as John Wayne) "Get off your horse!".

If you need the assistance of the third umpire, spit (this is compulsory, especially if there is a dog nearby), push your hat back with the tip of your finger and say "I don't rightly know!".

'Lunch' is referred to as "Siesta", and obviously 'Drinks' is "Whusky" (note the pronunciation). As for your own name, change it to 'Duke' or 'Rooster' or 'Clint' or 'Blondie' or just be 'The Umpire With No Name'. Now, enjoy a great career, Hombre.

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Clarkewatch, dateline 6 July, 2003

Venue : Bristol
Event : England v Zimbabwe, Natwest Series, game 7

Bowling : Indecisive captaincy by Michael Vaughan robbed a packed Royal Sun Alliance County Ground of the opportunity to see Rikki Clarke in full flow as first Gough then Flintoff picked up sackfuls of cheap wickets. Even Steve 'Radar? What radar?' Wayward-Harmison had the opportunity to turn his arm over. Poor show, skipper. Give the crowd what they want.

Fielding : Richard Johnson was once again indebted to the spotty one with big teeth as Sean Ervine clipped a straightforward chance to our man in the gulley. The safest hands in Surrey made no mistake. Later, Emperor Arnoldus Mauritius Augustus Septemberus Blignautus perished by means of an immaculate cross-batted yahoo to an Andrew Flintoff delivery. The ball soared skywards, the field scattered in terror and Clarke pouched the catch perfectly once again.

Batting : Blatantly selfish play by Andrew Flintoff with the fours and the sixes and not getting out added to the Vaughan-inspired conspiracy to prevent Rikki from displaying his undoubted talent with the bat. Johnson at three? Ha!

Season to date : an improving 2.2 on the Rikkiter scale - the rice pudding skin is still largely in place but definitely showing signs of wear. Furthermore, the teaspoonful of jam has started to sink.
Current game : did very little wrong, so the giggle factor can be ignored when calculating the strength of the mirthquake. Based on the fact that more than one goldfish leaped out of its bowl in panic in nearby Clifton the Clarkeometer reading, a far from significant 2.9, hardly does the performance justice.



Posted by Eddie