Shoaib's day in court?

The latest extraordinary news surrounding speedster Shoaib Akhtar is that he has been called to appear before a civil court in Lahore in order to respond to a private petition alleging that recent statements attributed to him have 'damaged Pakistani pride'.

It is unlikely that Shoaib will have his day in court in the forseeable future, though, as he is currently terrifying Scotsmen for Durham. A shame, that.

Judge Well, what have you got to say for yourself, Shoaib?
Shoaib I was misquoted, M'Lud.
Judge(Blustering incredulously) Misquoted? You said that Waqar and Wasim were a couple of journeyman plodders who weren't good enough to play for the Islamabad Girls Under-14 XI.
Shoaib I never did.
Judge I have the transcript of the interview here.
Shoaib No, Your Honour. I never said that they were 'plodders' - I described them as 'a brace of talentless trundlers'.
Judge Enough! I sentence you to play against Bangladesh next month.... and comb your hair.... and straighten yourself out.
Shoaib Don't you start. It's hyper-extention.

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In a rambling interview with Simon Wilde of the Sunday Times, Herschelle Gibbs has revealed that his six-month ban for his involvement in Hansiegate was "a holiday".

"I loved it," Gibbs said, showing no remorse. "I played golf every week." Thought of universally as a player who was always a pound of stuffing short of a sleeping-bag, Gibbs was happy to undertake 'life-skills counselling' following the King Commission hearings. Perhaps he should have undertaken 'get-a-life skills counselling' instead.

Barry Richards, when asked for his thoughts, said cryptically, "Team management should not burden him with game plans and undue responsibility." Or selection, if his current form is anything to go by.

The sign of a great player is one who can forget about everything around him - to blank it all out, clearing his mind completely before climbing 'into the zone'. No wonder Gibbs is so good - he seems to have a head start on everyone else in the 'emptying of the head' stakes .

So, if the rumours about Steve Waugh going into the movies are true, I suggest that they do a re-make of 'The Wizard of Oz' - with Steve in the starring role of course. Herschelle Gibbs would be a natural as the Scarecrow.

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Robin Smith, still one of the finest batsmen in the English game and a man who was thought by many to have been prematurely discarded by the national side, has become the latest sportsman to fall victim of that dreaded rodent, the hamster. Oh, sorry, hamstring. Now it makes sense.

Anyway, he pulled that muscle - the one that's a bit like Herschelle Gibbs' common sense - you know, no-one's ever seen it but it's rumoured to exist somewhere - while batting recently against the Northamptonshire Steelbacks. He continued batting (with a runner) but then got himself run out.

Rumour has it that Derek Kenway (the aforementioned runner) will be assisting Robin with the remainder of his testimonial campaign just as soon as he has had the bat surgically removed.

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When Graeme Smith spoke about "leaving some mental scars in the back of their mind for them to carry into the test series" and then proceeded to smash 19 runs from James Anderson's first over in the 'dead match' at Edgbaston, one could be forgiven for thinking that the South African skipper was practicing what he preached for once.

Dealing almost exclusively in cliches before the game, Smith said "We treat every international as if it is a big game, we hit our straps on Thursday and don't want to let anyone else through the door." then added "We are setting a trend and want to keep up the winning habit."

Then Anderson bowled 9 further overs in the game, bouncing back by conceding just 19 more runs and picking up 4 wickets to boot. Furthermore, the English fielders were inspired - especially Flintoff who brought off the greatest catch since Adam asked Eve for a date.

When England batted, there was a spirited opening blast by the immaculate Pollock and the fairly fiery Ntini and the home side suddenly found themselves 3 down for 30. England have been in such dire straits so often recently that it's nothing new - akin to picking a scab off an old cut. Perhaps that's what Smith meant.

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His Royal Lefthandedness, Sourav Ganguly, is confident that India will do well in the 2007 World Cup. His reason for optimism? The players are young. "Considering the age of the current team members, I don't think many will miss the next World Cup." he said.

He also suggested that the current stints in English county cricket will do nothing but good for Mohammad Kaif, Yuvraj Singh, Virender Sehwag and Rahul McDravid.

Hang on. Young, rebuilding side, lots of experience in English county cricket?

Naaaahhhh!

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There's nothing like sitting on the fence, is there?

David Hookes, one of the fiercest critics of Bangladesh being awarded Test status, has called for 'humiliation' in the forthcoming fixtures, suggesting that 'there is a real possibility one of the games could be over and done in a day.'

Come off it, David. I know that Australia were tired at the end of the West Indian tour and feel a little wounded by the Windies breaking the fourth innings record, but a day? My guess is that the Aussies could at least last out until tea on day two.

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I understand that Lance Klusener is to take legal action against the UCB for unfair dismissal after his omission from the side to tour England, claiming that 'he was told that he was just being rested for the Bangladesh tour'.

I have to be very careful here because by definition the case is sub-judice, but how on earth can it be construed as unfair dismissal?

Asoka De Silva has an alibi. He was in the West Indies at the time.

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Geoff Marsh, the Zimbabwe coach, has criticised the state of English pitches, bemoaning the fact that they give too much assistance to the seamers.

Where on earth did he get that idea from? Zimbabwe never played at Derby on this tour.

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Clarkewatch, dateline 10 July 2003

Today, Rikki is enjoying a little rest, relaxation and recuperation following his extraordinary exploits at Edgbaston earlier in the week and in preparation for another superhuman effort this weekend. He did not go out with Andrew Flintoff last night for two Big Macs, a shish/doner kebab mix with chili sauce but without the salad, a large portion of spicy wedges with Tabasco or a deep-fried battered Mars bar.





Posted by Eddie