Budding Proteas on the way

Imraan Khan, a 19-year-old all-rounder from Durban is set to captain the South African kiddieboks in England next month.

It is expected that the home side will be conducting searches in the forthcoming days and weeks for someone called Daavid Gower or Boob Willis. The last one should certainly be a possibility. I'm sure I've heard of him.

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In the eagerly awaited 'Battle of the Vegetables', the Welsh leeks were firmly put in their place by the turnips of England, despite the best efforts of that 'Son of the Valleys', Michael Kasprowicz.

England's new-look middle order, featuring Michael ''Nasser' Vaughan, Jim 'Tardis' Troughton and Andrew 'Stonewall' Flintoff were ripped apart in the space of three overs by Taffy Kasprowicz, ninth son of a sheep farmer from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

England recovered to 235 from their 50 overs, thanks largely to half-centuries from Marcus 'Thick' Tresco and Anthony 'Never Failed Yet' McGrath.

The Druids, led by 'proper' Welshman Robert Croft, went close but a flurry of late wickets saw them fail by just 8 runs.

Actually, Kasprowicz informs me that, despite being born in Queensland, he did once go on holiday to New South Wales, so that's near enough.

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So Twenty20 is upon us at last - the latest version of cricket to be launched on the British public. Games are scheduled to start at 5.30 and end at 8.15 - a duration which is absolutely ideal for cricket in this country. Two and three-quarter hours is, after all, the length of the average English summer.

Chris Adams of Sussex has described it as 'No holds barred cricket' and as well as the 'hot seat' where the next batsman due in will be positioned (in order to avoid the statutory 90-second 'time-out'), players will be 'wired up' with microphone links. It is this last point which intrigues me.

Adams clips a ball neatly off his hips towards fine leg. He scampers off for an easy single, only to hear a deafening 'Noooooo' when he's about three quarters of the way down the pitch. He stops in his tracks, turns and sees Murray Goodwin haring past him in the opposite direction. The ball is whipped back to the bowler who gleefully removes the bails.

Our Chris trudges off forlornly, only to be met by David Lloyd on the pavilion steps.

(Bumble) What happened, Chris? Yer looked like a right Charlie out there.

(Chris) Well, David, I thought there was an easy one, but something went wrong somewhere.

(Bumble) That Murray Goodwin, he's run a few out, hasn't he? Top bloke, though.

(Chris) I don't know what Murray was thinking about. Why would he send me back, yet carry on running himself?

(Bumble) 'Ow d'yer mean?

(Chris) I heard this loud shout of 'No'.

(Bumble) Oh, sorry. That was me.

(Chris) Pardon?

(Bumble) Willis pinched t' last Chorley cake. Yer can't gerrem down here, you know. Anyway, it's great, this Twenty20 lark, intit? Cricket, pop music, the lot. Eh, some of these youngsters in t' bands can move - 'specially t' lasses. Like Alan Mullally after a good curry. I'm lookin' forward to t' final already, me. What's the name of that band's playin' at Trent Bridge? Nuclear summat. Aye, that's right. Nuclear Pussycat.

(Chris) Help!

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Tim Lamb, the chief executive of the ECB has come up with a solution designed at avoiding the situation which occurred during the first Zimbabwe test match at Lord's this year, when Channel 4 terminated transmission at 6.00 pm in order to show a repeat of a game show.

Tim has really laid down the law this time. He said "We understand that Channel 4 are trying to attract viewers in the 18-34 age range at that time in the evening, so we have come up with a working compromise, starting with this year's C&G semi-finals. We will start the games earlier." Well done, Tim, way to negotiate. Much more of a threat than "Do that again and Sky get the lot."

Apparently, Channel 4 received just 'a handful' of complaints when they curtailed transmission, yet the following night received 'over a hundred' when the game went over the scheduled end time, causing a re-scheduling of a programme about Sir Edmund Hillary.

Channel 4's interpretation of the number of complaints received over both evenings is that a program about mountaineering is twenty times more attractive to the viewers than a cricket match. My interpretation is that cricket fans are used to decades of being pushed aside and getting the raw end of the deal that we now almost expect it.

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Despite popular opinion, the radio-controlled duck which is rumoured to escort batsmen back to the pavilion after they fail to contribute a score is NOT Devil Ducky, neither is it my cousin, Vasbert's Drake. It is an impostor which the ECB have used in order to cash in on the popularity of Cricket Web in general and this columnist in particular.

I understand that Somerset did not like the idea of using a duck, because the club think that it will become cliched and monotonous if their current form is anything to go by. Consequently, they have run a competition amongst local schools to design a replacement.

They winner is a motorised fish which will dispense huge ear-shaped sweets to the kids. Somerset plan to call it 'Candy Haddick'.

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Wasim Akram's take on Twenty20? "I'm going to go out there and try to blast every ball out of the ground". Ah, just going to treat it like a normal game, then.


Posted by Eddie