Saqlain stuns the world

On June 11, 1999, Saqlain Mushtaq astounded the world by taking the greatest hat-trick ever in a World Cup Super Six game at The Oval. His victims were Henry Olonga, Adam Huckle and Pommie Mbangwa. The biggest surprise was that it took all of three balls.

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Muttiah Muralitharan has developed a new weapon. Oh yes, be very afraid. The extraordinary Sri Lankan ace wrist-and-elbow-spinner has spent years talking to advisers, experimenting in the nets, looking at slow-motion replays and visiting psychiatric hospitals to talk to various gibbering wrecks who were at one time his opponents.

For once, though, batsmen can relax a little. The secret weapon, unveiled on the current tour of the West Indies, is not aimed at you. It is Murali's fellow bowlers and the umpires who should tread warily. Yes, it's his headgear. A cross between an old British Army soldier's helmet and a stool bucket, the new-look wide gap between peak and grille allows plenty of forehead-furrowing room.

The scientific breakthrough which has led to the new design comes following years of research in his home town of Kandy. A spokesman said "The eyebrows are no longer impeded as they recede beyond the hair-line, allowing Muttiah to open his eyes EVEN WIDER THAN BEFORE as he peers back up the pitch at the bowler - or the umpire in the event of an appeal for leg before wicket".

The ICC are aware of developments and are monitoring the situation closely. Malcolm Speed said: "Although psychological warfare is not banned on the cricket field per se, a number of umpires have questioned the legality of using hypnosis or witchcraft under Law 42 Paragraph 18 - Players' conduct."

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Surrey, top of everything, favourites for everything and with the greatest collection of cricketers ever established in one place this side of a Cricket Web World XI, were summarily dismissed from the C&G Trophy this week in the shock of the century by Derbyshire, perpetual no-hopers and one-time temporary refuge of Pakistani fugitive Shahid Afridi.

The writing was on the wall beforehand, though. I have, in my possession, concrete proof that the stigma of match-fixing has reared its ugly head once more. A match report, published on the Cricinfo website and dated 10th June carries the headline "Surrey crushed as Derbyshire waltz through". Good, astute journalism, that. The game was played on June 11th.

The alternative, of course, is that time travel is now a reality.

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The Bangladesh Cricket Board have responded to former coach Mohsin Kamal's accusation that they (the BCB) need to change their attitude if they "...are to avoid becoming an international laughing stock".

A BCB spokesman refuted the suggestions, putting on a pair of spectacles with a large nose attached and saying "Bangladesh were terribly unfortunate to lose the series against Dhaka Girls Under-14's" before adding "It's strange, isn't it? If you stand up in a library and shout 'AAAAAAGHHH! everyone stares at you, but if you do it in an aeroplane everyone joins in."

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Fresh from his personal triumph in the 2005 Ashes whitewash, England captain Steve Harmison has gone on record as saying that he owes all of his success of recent years to a conversation he had with Derbyshire captain Dominic Cork.

"I spoke to Corky shortly after he scored that fabulous triple century in the 2003 C&G Final. He told me to believe in myself and to turn my deaf ear towards Nasser Hussain. The rest is history. It changed my life".

Harmison, the first man ever to take five wickets in five balls in test match history and now averaging a terrifying 103 mph, took 58 wickets in the series at an average of 7 against Ponting's shambles of a side - a defeat which now leaves Bangladesh as the sole challengers to England's position of dominance at the top of the table.

I asked Australian coach Javed Miandad where he thought the problems for his side's recent fall from grace lie. "Whilst the appointment of Mike Gatting as manager has come in for criticism from some quarters, the problem really lies in the amount of cricket the guys are playing nowadays.

"Take last month. There were three consecutive days when we didn't have a game. In my day, we would have hopped on a plane and got a couple of one-dayers in against Greenland or Argentina. The players just don't have a chance to get match-fit any more. The most exercise Gilchrist has had recently is walking out to the middle, bagging his usual pair and walking back to the dressing room again."

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Mohammad Azharuddin has become the latest in a long line of cricketers eager to have their match-fixing convictions expunged from the record, especially in the light of recent rulings regarding Ajay Jadeja. Mr Azharuddin's solicitor said "It's a stitch-up. Mr Madhavan (the head of the enquiry) knows nothing about cricket and was therefore not fit to make a decision". That argument won't prove anything. It's never stopped the ICC in the past.

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The fallout surrounding Graeme Smith's attack on Lance Klusener at a breakfast interview recently just will not go away quietly - this column will see to that. Former skipper Shaun Pollock said "He (Klusener) is a match-winner, and I believe he has a lot left in his armoury." Agreed. The sausage that Smith poked him with, for one thing.

Bob Woolmer added his can of petrol to the flames by stating that he had had a conversation with Smith over the South African captaincy. "Well, when I said I HAD a conversation with Graeme, I really meant to say that I ACTUALLY had a conversation with his telephone answering machine." When pressed further, Woolmer added "It's one of those new intelligent machines, and every time I spoke to it, the machine ignored me. Just like the real thing."

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The long-awaited eighth book by Dennis Lillee (and his fifth autobiography at the last count) came out recently. Within the pages of 'Menace', Dennis, minus his familiar black and red striped jumper, extols the virtues of honour, fair play and sportsmanship.

In a recent interview, Lillee suggested that a 'sin-bin' similar to that which exists in Rugby League ought to be employed for the bad boys, adding "...then, when Javed's safely locked up in that, we can give him a good seeing-to with a bat (preferably made of aluminium) and see how he likes it - and me and Rod (Marsh) can have a few quid on the outcome. I know a good bookie. No questions asked. Peter (the bus driver) will act as runner".

Incidentally, Amazon have a section which states that "Customers who bought books by Dennis Lillee also bought books by these authors:". The first one listed is fellow fantasy author J.K. Rowling.


Posted by Eddie