Shoaib - "I'm not normal"

Shoaib Akhtar has confessed to a London newspaper that he is a 'freak of nature'. He said "I can move my elbow 42% in the reverse direction, and my thumb nail just has a life of its own."

I asked Shoaib about the big sports issue of the day. His reply was an interesting one. "I have it on good authority that Beckham let some air out of the football just before scoring that free-kick against Greece, which accentuated the reverse-swing. That is blatant ball-tampering, and as such, on the grounds of consistency, he should be banned for two matches."

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Great news for cricket fans from the valleys - Simon Jones is on the comeback trail. Jones, injured during last winter's Ashes series has even gone as far as bowling a few balls in the nets at Cardiff.

I caught up with him recently and asked him how he felt. "Well boyo, the knee's still strapped up, have you, but I'm stepping up my training schedule now. I go for long walks in the mountains, every day, with Rover."

I asked him what type of dog Rover was. "No, Rover's not a dog. He's a sheep, isn't it?" The driving force behind Simon's recovery process? "I want my place back in the national side. Kasprowicz, your days are numbered, lovely boy."

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They're calling it the 'Top End Tour'. It's the series which, if it were a boxing match, would have already been declared 'No Contest' - Australia v Bangladesh.

The games are to be played in Cairns and Darwin - for the benefit of Aussies living in Sydney, Melbourne and the like, that bit towards the top of your map of the world indicated by the phrase 'Here be Dragons'.

Tony Ware of Melbourne Cricket Club Arenas is the man charged with getting the 'drop-in' pitch ready for the Darwin game. I caught up with him in a bar just down the road from the Marrara Oval stadium - here's what he had to say.

"Well, the main problem up here's likely to be the old crocs." I expressed fear and surprise, looking round quickly, but Ware explained further. "Nah, mate. Not 'Salties', they're ok - I mean the old crocks - you know, Richie Benaud trampling all over the place, Tony Greig digging the pitch up with his car keys. And as for Bill Lawry's nose, strewth! What a mess that can make in hay fever season."

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The ICC are likely to face a compensation claim of 50 million pounds from the Global Cricket Corporation (GCC) - somewhere in the region of 15% of the original TV rights payment.

The areas of contention include, of course, the widely-publicised 'no-show' of New Zealand in Kenya and England failing to travel to Zimbabwe.

The other area which concerns the GCC is that of 'Ambush Marketing' - this basically covers the area of companies allegedly 'cashing in' on the World Cup without being on the official sponsors' list (and avoiding paying for the privilege, of course).

Now, 'Ambush Marketing' takes many forms - and countering it can be tricky. The Indian players have their own individual sponsors (many international cricketers do, and of course this caused a huge ruckus before the last World Cup) - so every now and again you see bats, pads and the like covered with bits of sticky tape. They classify that as 'Counter-Ambush Marketing' tactics.

Probably the silliest example allegedly happened in WC2003 (Official sponsors Pepsi). A family went to a game and started opening their cans of, er, some other non-alcoholic cola-flavoured sugar-loaded teeth-rotter. A concerned, duty-minded security guard said "You can't drink that here - it's more than my job's worth" (or something like that) and went as far as removing the offending objects - and the offending family.

The ICC, under Malcolm Speed, concede that "we will have to forfeit some money" but are contesting the exact amount. Incidentally, the GCC hold the TV rights for the 2007 World Cup too. It is expected that the British Oxygen Corporation will bid for main sponsorship rights - and woe betide any player breathing any of their product without the correct authorisation.

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As the repercussions of England's decision not to travel to Zimbabwe during World Cup 2003 (sponsored by Pepsi and by no other soft drink company whatsoever) continue to rumble on, an invitation for Australia to play three one-day internationals over here next summer has gone out.

The aim is to play the oldest enemy ahead of the ICC Trophy, being held in England in September 2004, in what looks to be a totally essential pre-tournament warm-up and not at all a money-making ruse. The ECB, coincidentally, are staring down the barrel of a 2.5 million pound shortfall in the aftermath of the World Cup boycott, and a short series against the Aussies is likely to result in profits of about half that amount.

Next summer, England have just seven test matches planned, a ten game triangular ODI series and the ICC Trophy, so scheduling should not be a problem. Channel 4 say that they have a slot available at 3.30 am on Monday mornings after 'Whose Big Brother is Big Brother's Little Brother Anyway?' and before the ever-popular 'Gherkins. Are they the Vegetable of the Future?'

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Aussie Greg Chappell's ordering of brother Trevor to bowl the final delivery of the infamous 1981 ODI against New Zealand at Melbourne underarm was recently voted the third most unsporting incident of all time in an English newspaper.

In second place was Mike Tyson's biting of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997 (no superfluous Andy Caddick or Ajit Agarkar gags from me - heaven forbid), but the outright winner was, predictably, Diego Maradona's 'Hand of God' incident during the 1986 FIFA World Cup.

The poll was commissioned to mark 'Fair Play Week'. Neither Shoaib Akhtar nor Mike Atherton were available for comment.

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Rahul McDravid played a masterful undefeated innings of 120 from just 97 balls in the clash between Zummerzet and Scotland at Taunton at the weekend, but it wasn't enough to save the haggis munchers from another defeat.

Faced with a daunting 297 for victory, the home side were cruising at 202-2 but a collapse of Somersetesque proportions left them reeling on 290-9 before they scraped home in the final over amidst scenes of unrivalled cider drinking.

Dravid said "Hoots, mon, 'twas a bonny game, but divna call me McDravid - it's becoming a bit of a cliche". I apologised immediately and asked him what I could do to make up for my faux-pas. "Och, jus' givvus a pint o' heavy an' a whisky chaser."

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The fact that the GCC own the broadcasting rights to World Cup 2007 means that if, as expected, some games are to be played in Florida, unfortunately DisneyWorld, Orlando will not be a venue.

Broadcasting rivals Disney were more than a little concerned over possible breach of copyright during WC2003, citing the game between South Africa and West Indies. "Drakes bowled the last over of the match. He is described as an 'inventive' bowler. May I remind you that this is a flagrant imitation of our character 'Ludwig von Drake', who is himself an inventor?

"Furthermore, if the ninth wicket had fallen a ball earlier, we could have had the ridiculous situation of two Disney characters being hi-jacked in opposition to each other at the whim of the ICC". When asked to explain, the Disney spokesman said "What if it were a bouncer, and the South African number 11 batsman was forced to take evasive action? There is NO WAY we will ever allow the use of the phrase 'Donald Ducks' on a rival network".

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The ICC this week announced that the CC-P (Cricket Committee - Playing) are to look at ways and means of streamlining the current process with respect to dealing with illegal or questionable bowling actions.

I think there's something wrong with their word-processor too. "The question of illegality has hung like the Sword of Damocles over the heads of too many for too long. Lee have to be seen to be Murali right on this issue, Shoaib going to be clarifying a number of Lawson this issue" the ICC spokesman said Kirtley.

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There was utter carnage at Beckenham the other day as Andrew Symonds smashed an unbeaten 96 off just 37 deliveries in the Twenty20 cup game against Hampshire. I understand that the car park attendant is now under strict instructions to make a note of the registration numbers of all vehicles parked there, and this list is available to the Public Address System announcer.

Apparently, they do not plan to read out the numbers of cars damaged by Symonds over the Tannoy. A Kent spokesman explained "It will be much quicker to just list the cars still in one piece."




Posted by Eddie