Channel 4 - Cricket

As we reach the fiftieth anniversary of the last time England had a decent team, we look at a new, light-hearted television drama which recounts the dramatic life in and around the England cricket team in these embattled times.

C*A*S*H*, a joint venture between Channel 4 and the ECB, is a black comedy about life under siege located barely 22 yards from the trenches of South African warlord Graeme Smith. The show's title stands for 'Cricketers Appalling - Send Help' - the sole content of a telegram sent by Duncan Fletcher, David Graveney and Geoff Miller to all the English counties and every cricketer, living or dead, who has represented his country in the last 130 years or so.

It was hoped to appoint Robert Altman (M*A*S*H*, Pret-a-Porter and Who's Afraid of Dermot Reeve?) as director of the epic show which is scheduled to run for 75 two hour episodes but unfortunately he couldn't do it on account of his feet. They kept carrying him in the opposite direction whenever anyone from the ECB came calling on him.

C*A*S*H* follows the fortunes of Captain 'Hawkeye' Short-Game (Michael Vaughan) as he strives for control over the one-time conquerors of Zimbabwe, now reduced to a motley collection of deadbeats who look as though they are only in it for the money and who should all get proper jobs.

Marvel how Hawkeye wrests control from former commander Captain 'Dropper' Washedout (Nasser Hussain) as he seeks out the strengths of his South African opposite number and bowls to them. Wonder at the total inertia as he calls his troops together on the battlefield and gets them to link arms in a circle and hold each other upright as they have a team-building sleep.

There's not much of a plot to C*A*S*H* - instead the quirky characters spend their time alternately running around chasing a small sphere or walking to the centre of a large green clearing, waving a stick once or twice and walking back again before having another sleep.

Then there is young, attractive Jimmy 'Hotlips' Anderson who dyes his hair different colours in an unsuccessful attempt to woo the ladies. See him partner Corporal 'Clingingontohisplace' (Darren Gough) as they waltz around the enemy in an all-too-brief example of how to actually play the game, putting their more illustrious team-mates to shame.

In one bizarre twist, Corporal 'Radar' Harmison does manage to take one of the South Africans prisoner but for the most part the English troops display kindness to the enemy, feeding them choice titbits and running around in circles waving their arms to keep off the flies.

'Radar', a much-maligned character whom many critics have panned during previous performances, bravely stands up whilst his fellows run and hide from the merciless Gibbs and his blazing howitzer, but the Durham man finally wins with some unusually accurate shooting.

The climax of the third episode of the second series comes shortly after Gibbs is dismissed, and features a thrilling duel in the sun between 'Radar' and the magician Kirsten. Just as things are coming to a head, the evil Director of Channel 4 will utter the key phrase "I want Hollioaks" and the whole audience will be marched out of the auditorium without any apology or refund whilst the actors continue performing to the people in the expensive seats only.

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Strange cricketing terms
Number 2 - The Dermot

A multi-purpose term which has come into almost daily use in cricket this summer, this is due in part to the tendency of former Warwickshire trundlers to infest television studios. The sound made by a Dermot is as annoying as the incessant ringing of a bell. This is no coincidence because the normal sound made by a Dermot is Bell (used repeatedly).

A Dermot - noun.
"Graeme Smith has hardly hit a single ball through the covers off the front foot." will almost immediately be followed by a cracking front foot drive through the covers for four.

To Dermot - verb
A captain who moves a fielder from gulley to point, only to see the ball immediately flash through gulley at catchable height is said to have 'Dermotted'.

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Duck gay porn scandal

In a deliberate attempt to entice casual visitors to Cricket Web by ensnaring people who employ search engines like Google, Alta Vista and Select-o-Porn by the blatant use of embedded key words, I should like to take this opportunity to tell you about a friend, a fellow duck called Gaye, who decided to pawn an antique candlestick. Marvellous umpire Simon Taufel was not involved in the transaction.

Granny Sex

My grandmother's ex-newspaper shop proprietor was the legendary Leslie Ames, the Kent and England wicket-keeper. I have no idea whether marvellous umpire Simon Taufel has even been to Brompton - neither am I aware whether Leslie Ames's old shop is still standing.

Shaven Haven

Steve Harmison has finally shaved off his beard in an effort to reduce wind resistance. Coincidentally, the nearest major holiday camp to Harmison's home ground at Chester-le-Street is the Blue Dolphin camp at Filey, North Yorkshire, run by Haven Holidays. Marvellous umpire Simon Taufel could do worse than renting a caravan at Filey for a few days if he fancies resting his dismissal finger by the sea.

Nude Wives

The second test match between England and South Africa is being played at Lord's. I should imagine that, in the flats overlooking the ground, sometime this evening at least one lady will be taking a shower or a bath, possibly prior to going out for a nice meal with her husband. If the couple look out over their balcony at the cricket next year, it is possible that they would see marvellous umpire Simon Taufel officiating in a test match (if selected)

Hot sex action

The temperature at Lord's today is expected to be a sultry 27 degrees, with every likelihood of it rising tomorrow to a dizzy 30 degrees. No doubt, the action in the middle will be every bit as hot as the weather. Furthermore, Lord's now allow members of both sexes to join the MCC. Dickie Bird (a marvellous umpire himself - just like Simon Taufel) is a member of the MCC.

Anna Kournikova

Tennis players such as Anna Kournikova usually wear white when they are playing - as do cricketers and marvellous umpires like Simon Taufel when playing or standing in test matches. Amazingly, tennis players such as Anna Kournikova quite often wear coloured clothing too - as do cricketers and marvellous umpires like Simon Taufel when playing or standing in one-day internationals or domestic limited-overs games. Coincidence? I think not, but I will ask marvellous umpire Simon Taufel whether he agrees.

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I know that it's stating the obvious to say that the English cricket team require major surgery, but did you know that it has already started?

When Nasser Hussain resigned the captaincy on Monday evening, Michael Vaughan was immediately rushed in to hospital to have the parts of his brain relating to judgment surgically removed prior to being appointed into the hot-seat himself. Perhaps that's what Graeme Smith meant by 'mental scars'.

It must have been - what other explanation can there be for Vaughan, continually striving to improve his one-day game, getting confused and playing TWO Flintoffs in the same over? The first one to a ball from Hall tantalisingly evaded Pollock's grasp in comical Englandesque manner, so Vaughan changed his bat for one with a better edge. Sure enough, a second bizarre yahoo at a ball two feet outside off stump allowed Shaun to make amends.

In keeping with the current policy of trying to lose inside three days against all the odds, Marcus Trescothick went a long way towards ensuring that Somerset's batting line-up may well be strengthened for the rest of the season with an extraordinary slog of his own, following the example set by his esteemed leader to bring England's total of stupid throwaway dismissals in the current game to eight (or is it nine? I forget).

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Something wonderful happened yesterday.

I watched the film '2010' again - corny to the extreme. In addition, several England batsmen demonstrated that maybe, just maybe there is hope that at least a couple of them might hang around a bit next time.

Maybe not exactly until the fat lady sings, but just possibly until the orchestra's finished warming up at least. Butcher and Hussain did eventually get themselves out in rather silly manner, but at least for a while they resisted. "Well left" was the call time and time again - and so it should be. This is test cricket, not 'tip and run'.

And then there is Flintoff.

The childish impetuosity of the first innings (remember the hook?) was replaced with... the childish impetuosity of the second innings (remember the hooks?). This duck is not afraid to eat his words - provided those words are 'worms', 'breadcrumbs' or 'curry'. Keep him.

I'm now off for lunch - 'Flintoff is rubbish and should be dropped' on toast (with worms, of course).

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Clarkewatch, Dateline 5 August 2003
Venue AMP Oval
Event NCL Div 1 game, Surrey v Gloucestershire

Batting

Coming in at the fall of Graham Thorpe's wicket with the score on 214-3 after 34.3 overs, our Rikki left the pavilion a mere boy, playing a watchful 5 balls before getting off the mark with a sweep for a single. Cleverly reducing the run-rate to lull Gloucestershire into a false sense of security, he scampered willingly for Rampers before playing the deftest of touches to run a boundary off Malik to third man, this being followed by another push for three off the same bowler.

Always a willing student and eager to learn, Rikki must have been impressed with Ramprakash's dismissal - a slog across the line which was worthy of a place in England's test side of late.

Rikki's next contribution with the bat brought about the demise of Adam Hollioake, run out for a single to cleverly get Azhar Mahmood on strike with overs running out - and it worked!!! (apart from the fact that it was the end of the over). Clarke then hit a huge six over extra cover to move into the twenties before it became Azhar's turn to cost Surrey a fortune in new balls. Rikki showed that he can be subtle too, smashing Mark Alleyne over the boundary and the ball even further as the over went for 18 after a recount.

His own run-out with a couple of overs remaining for a splendid 36 off 26 was worth the gamble - if only to see his shirt turn as brown as his helmet. The crowd rose as one and threw flowers at Rikki as he strode back up the pavilion steps a hero and a man. Neither of the Flowers were available for comment.

Fielding

Sensational stuff. An incredible bit of fielding by the man of the moment leaves Gidman floundering. The batsman tries to pinch a single to backward point. As quick as a flash, Clarke picks up and throws down the wicket at the bowler's end.

In the following over, with Pakistani star Saqlain Mushtaq resplendant in his silly headband (Pakistani? Looks more like an Indian to me - a couple af feathers stuck in it and he would be a dead-ringer for Geronimo, although he bowled off-breaks if I recall correctly) , another unbelievable piece of fielding smashes Windows' wicket in a mirror image. Once more, the Clarke swoop has done the business. Do not pinch singles to this guy. What will he do when he bowls?

Bowling

Clarke with the ball is a bit like Jack Russell's hat - more than a little threadbare, often rather difficult to imagine how it ever stays together but it keeps the sun out of his eyes (the hat, not Rikki's bowling).

Spearman was doing some spectator bashing of his own, plundering a shedload of boundaries and threatening to stage a recovery all by himself. Rikki eyed him up and down, isolated his strength and bowled to it - a leg-side full toss which flew down the throat of the substitute fielder on the square leg boundary. Game over in all but name.

Not content with that, the Clarkemeister then accounted for Alleyne and Lewis - again after Surrey had floated on the sub to end with 3-48 as the Lions ran out victorious by 66 runs.

Match summary and season to date

A (relatively) sensational match, all things considered, sending the little pens rattling round to a dizzying gasholder-denting magnitude 5.9 on the Rikkiter scale as little old ladies rushed hither and thither making cups of tea for passers-by and asking if the Zeppelins were coming again.

The seasonally adjusted average Clarkequake now stands at an unprecedented 3.9. Nick Faldo, playing a round at Wentworth, reported that his Titleist Balata golf ball 'moved on the 17th green after I had addressed the ball. I resent having to declare a two-shot penalty for matters beyond my control - especially acts of God, even though Surrey won.'







Posted by Eddie