Cricket - Bollywood style

Is there any truth in the rumour that Ismail Merchant and James Ivory are to turn their attention to a joint cricket science fiction venture in their next film? I hear that there is.

A little bird tells me that plans are afoot to make a multi-billion rupee epic - an all-singing, all-dancing science fiction drama with a heavy cricket influence starring Indian heart-throb Harbhajan Singh and his big screen arch-enemy, Kiwi Nathan Astle.

Astle has apparently been heavily involved in putting together some of the musical batting scenes in collaboration with Mexican composer Mario Lavista, whose film credits include 'Vivir Mata', 'Judea' and 'A Good Man in Africa'. Lavista will also appear in a cameo role, taking part in a sixth wicket partnership with Astle which threatens to tip the balance in favour of the Kiwis.

The starring role in the film was originally going to be offered to Arnold Schwarzenegger who has been a minor success in similar roles in the past, but when it was realised that Harbhajan's spinning finger was well on the mend, the logical choice regarding who should play the principal heroic off-spinning time-traveller was made.

Apparently, much temporal to-ing and fro-ing and the usual ICC intrigue nonsense is involved and the plot involves Harbhajan travelling backwards in time to the 2007 World Cup in the West Indies where a titanic struggle for world supremacy is taking place. Naturally, he thwarts Astle and the rest with a magnificent dance, a pirouette and his arm-ball.

The film, 'Turbanator 5 - The Bails are Off' has its climax set in Kingston where an enormous mutant insect, genetically engineered by the unscupulous New Zealand cricket team's evil batting scientists Lavista and Astle from their hideaway in Montego Bay, is terrorising the neighbourhood with lots of stripy buzzing and a big sting.

The unsuspecting Indian stand-in wicketkeeper, His Regal Left-handedness Sourav Ganguly, is about to be attacked by the giant insect when Harbhajan, bowling at the Headley Stand End at Sabina Park, suddenly stops in his delivery stride, whips the bails off at the non-striker's end, shouts a warning to his captain using the immortal words "Astle-Lavista Bay Bee" and India go on to win the World Cup amidst much joyful singing, dancing and definitely no sex.

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Well, the first test between England and South Africa has come and gone, Graeme Smith has scored the highest-ever innings and the highest-ever match aggregate by a South African in the history of the sport, Nasser Hussain has fallen on his sword and we have two days to get our breath back before all eyes turn to Lord's with the series still even.

Michael Vaughan's century at Edgbaston elevates him to second place in the current rankings, Shaun Pollock still can't catch for toffee and the Birmingham Umbrella Corporation have had a field day. It's also the first time that international cricket has been played across a ploughed field. "We've had a dry summer and it's sunk" said head groundsman Steve Rouse.

Funnily enough, at Trent Bridge a few weeks ago, head groundsman Steve Birks said "We've had a dry summer and it's cracked." Meanwhile, at nearby Derby, head groundsman Neil Godrich said "We've had a dry summer and Phil Sharpe (the ECB pitch inspector) has left his caravan on our car park for the forseeable future."

So, what can we expect for Lord's on Thursday? I spoke to Michael Vaughan about the task in hand. "It's true that Nasser and I are totally different in our styles of captaincy. For instance, there's no way I am going to position myself at mid off and pester Steve Harmison before every ball." I was about to say that was a refreshing change when Vaughan added "No, you get a much better view from mid-on - and Steve's right ear isn't broken yet."

On advice and a possible vice-captain? "Well, Team England as I like to call it is very much like a club side, a family even. There are any number of seasoned professionals within the team so we don't need a vice-captain as such, people I am always willing to listen to. There's Goughie, Anthony McGrath, Chalky White, Chris Silverwood, Yuvraj Singh..."

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David Fulton, speaking before Kent's recent NCL game against Yorkshire at Scarborough, was extolling the virtues of his new-look attack from the sub-continent, Mohammad Sami and Muttiah Muralitharan. Fulton said "Personally as a captain I'm really looking forward to being able to throw the ball to them." What a strange choice of words. Is someone giving lessons in THAT now?

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Meanwhile, tipster supreme David Hookes, unrepentant over his ridiculous "We can thrash Bangladesh in a day" claims, is attempting to justify his statements without looking bonkers. "Well, when I said A DAY I really meant THREE OR FOUR DAYS. One wicket was so slow and the other so fast that the space-time continuum behaved in an unpredictable manner. This, coupled with the indecisive captaincy of Steve Waugh who should have retired 20 years ago, allowed Bangladesh to eke out the game by a further meaningless two or three days. I stand by every word (thank you, nurse - one of the blue tablets will be lovely)."

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I hear that Jermaine Lawson's action is very much on the mend and that the West Indies Cricket Board are to submit a report to the ICC before August 12. Lawson, 21, has been working hard in the nets under the watchful eye of Sri Lankan bowling guru Chukkitan Sodtheconsequences. He said "It is all a big mistake really. We are going to remove the cameras to get rid of any pressure on the lad then get down to business. A couple of phone calls to a lawyer, a bio-mechanics expert and a couple of government officials will reveal that the problem will be nothing more than hyper-extension (again)."

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Lance Klusener continues to wheedle his way into the affections of South African skipper Graeme Smith, saying "... if he has a problem on this tour I am available to step into the breach if wanted - with my boots already packed."

As opposed to hung up.

Klusener added "I should like to assure everyone that there is no dark side to my character. Rumours regarding me and satanic rituals have been taken out of context. It is nonsense to suggest that I have burned the occasional effigy (of Smith) - I have never been more than remotely involved in witchcraft or Voodoo. You don't happen to have a lock of his hair or a couple of fingernails handy, do you?"

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Clarkewatch, Dateline 27 July, 2003

Venue : Guildford, Surrey
Event : National Cricket League Division 1 v Worcestershire

Bowling

A far-from-spectacular 0-30 from just 5 overs in the context of the match wasn't too damaging - Ben Smith was giving the ball some serious tap at the time as Worcestershire made 219-6 on a difficult pitch

Batting

One four and one six in a 47-ball innings of just 15 was no worse than any of the other Surrey players on the day, but still rates as a disappointing performance for the greatest player since W G (W G Singh, my milkman).

Match summary and season to date

A mere 2.9 magnitude Clarkequake on the day - although the tremors travelled all the way up to Birmingham and caused a systematic collapse of the soil surrounding the new drains at Edgbaston.

The seasonal average of 3.4 on the Rikkiter scale shows a small dip from the previous week, which is good news for lemmings and those clever people at the circus who balance plates on sticks.

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Steve from Tri-City Cricket Club in the good old U S of A reliably informs me that cricketers in the States do not wear a 'box'.

No, they are no braver than we lesser mortals (checks underpants, changes statement to 'greater mortals') - the name of the protective, er, thingy is not called a 'box' over there but a 'cup'.

No wonder Batchelors failed when trying to market 'Cup-a-
Soup' in America.

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Strange cricketing terms
No 1 - The Water Hog

This strange beast, a cross between a steam roller and a sponge, makes occasional appearances at international cricket grounds around the world wherever the elements appear to have the upper hand.

Picture the scene - a small, dark cloud appears on the horizon and before Dickie Bird can say 'light-meter', the covers are on and the garage doors are opened.

Several hours after the solitary raindrop has hit the ground on the other side of town, a crowd of worried umpires and officials eventually ask the head groundsman what can be done. "I'll bring out the Super Slurper" he replies.

"Ssshhh" says Steve Bucknor. "You can't refer to it as a Super Slurper - Merv Hughes's airline drinking has got nothing to do with it. We'll get sued."

Eventually, they decide that the motorised behemoth can be referred to as a Water Hog, but by this time it's 7.00 pm and everyone has gone home.

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Farmer Brown had eleven cows, but no ordinary cattle were these. No sir. Because the good farmer was a cricket fanatic, he decided to name each of the animals after the cricketer which most closely matched its personality.

It wasn't long before Farmer Brown's livestock were the talk of the town, so naturally a reporter from the local newspaper was sent to investigate - and hopefully, to come up with a 'human interest' story.

The farmer, standing in the milking shed, explained to the reporter how the idea came to him. "Ar, oi were walkin' across the meadow one day an' oi became aware that one of they cows were watchin' oi really close, like she were somehow trying to get into moi 'ed. Oi thought that were the kind of thing that Nasser Hussain used to do when ee were skipper of the test side so oi called her Nasser from that moment."

"Fascinating" replied the reporter. "Tell me more."

"All right," said the farmer. "Well, there's one big strapping cow out there, she's always galloping up and down like a 'eadless chicken, never stops, I calls her Freddie."

"After Flintoff?" enquired the reporter.

"Ar, that's right. Then another un started to take over the herd, so oi naturally started calling her Vaughnie. When it's milkin' time, she leads the team in, so to speak. You'll see it in a minute. Uncanny how they knows too. Never ceases to amaze me how they finds their way back in the dark either, like they got an in-built radar."

"Like pigeons?" asked the reporter.

"Ar, oi likes them in a pie."

Suddenly, the reporter excitedly exclaimed "Here they come now" and commenced to count out loud as they entered the milking shed. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."

The animals queued up and waited patiently for the farmer to hook them up to the milking machine. A couple of moments later, the reporter turned to the farmer and said "One of them is missing."

"Hang on a tick," replied the farmer before shouting "FRED!!! HARMISON'S ENDED UP IN THE SHEEP DIP AGAIN."





Posted by Eddie